How are you in relationships?

How are you in relationships?  Romans 12:12 says,  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affection; faithful in prayer." 

The best romantic Christian relationships can be characterized by the above. Instead of being fed up with slight imperfections, we can have joy in hope for growth.  Instead of being pushy, we can be patient with our affection as both partners grow.  And strikingly important, we can learn to always be faithfully praying with our partners. 

That's a beautiful thing, and something I'm learning to do. 

How to Prevent a Tsunami of Bitterness or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love.

BQ:  What should you do if you feel yourself becoming upset with someone? Proverbs 17:14 says, "The beginning of strife is like releasing water;  Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts."

Don't even let that floodgate open. Once it does, the angry words that surge out erode the walls of a good relationship, leaving lasting scars. When I feel like I'm being hurt, I go to Luke 6:28, which says, "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." When I'm praying for the good of someone, I find that I can't get angry. If possible, I try to have them pray with me.

BQ: Have you ever had a brother or sister in Christ that you couldn't stand? That feeling isn't good, but it is a blessing because it's like a klaxon going off to warn you that your spiritual health is damaged. 1 John 2:11 explains, "But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes."

While an unkindness may cause you to feel anger in response, God tells us, "Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath." (Eph 4:26) Don't let a feeling of quick anger be anything more than that. Put a damper on it immediately, and focus on walking in the light with whoever has hurt you, so that you don't end up by yourself in the darkness.

BQ: Have you ever called someone a bad name? Told them to go to hell? The second we let that bitterness toward a person exist, God isn't even interested in us trying to follow Him in other ways—not until we fix the flaw of inner hatred.. Instead, he tells us,

"Whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." (Mt 5:22-24) 

If you have a brother or sister that you're not reconciled with, don't let it ride. Give your best effort to love them. Suck up your pride and be kind. You might not win your brother, but you will have tried your hardest, and you will be able to say that Romans 12:18 applies to you. "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men."

Maintaining Strong Bonds: How to Stop Satan from Dividing and Conquering

Maintaining Bonds

Philippians 2:1-7

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.

BQ:  Would you kill your family members off one by one because of small differences? As a Christian family, we must never let the world drive us apart. We cannot let petty differences divide us. We must NEVER become embittered against a brother or sister in Christ, because,  “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and a divided household falls." (Mt 12:25)

Instead, at all times we must be "eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." (Eph 4:3)   Jesus said, "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:35) Instead of looking for a reason to abandon your family, find a reason to cling to them. 

BQ:  Christians need to maintain relationships, because we're an army and a family.  Phil 2:1-2 says, "Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose."  How can you do that? How can you always be of the same mind or someone that perhaps you have little fondness for?

The easiest way is to realize that we all have the same commission from Jesus and the same purpose: to go and baptize people and teach them all that He commanded. That person you don't get along with because his sense of humor is weird? He is your battle buddy, and might save your skin one day. 

Apply this to romantic relationships, too. Realize that you MUST have the same mind and purpose, or you will never have complete joy, unity or spirit, encouragement of Christ, affection, compassion, or consolation of love.

BQ: Do you ever see a sister or brother in Christ and not feel like they're really someone you want to fellowship with? God says in Phil 2,  "if there is any fellowship of the Spirit...Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves."  That person that is a little rough around the edges, maybe, don't regard as not good enough yet, but rather as more important than yourself.  Do everything to serve them and help them grow. 

If you're married or going to be married, realize the same thing. You have to regard your spouse or future spouse as more important, and be willing to go the extra mile, serving them and showing sacrificial love. It's a lot easier when you both have the same focus and goal: serving Christ.  If that's true, you'll never feel conflict in being a servant, but rather joy in being a part of an effective team.

BQ: As Christians, we can't let Satan divide us. We MUST remain united. Often we take offense over the coarse actions of a brother or sister or spouse, but we need to take a step back and realize that stumbling does not mean that we have to fall. Philippians 2 says that if we want to be united in spirit, we must, "not merely look out for [our] own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."  
 

Did your spiritual family member hurt your feelings? Don't be bitter. Instead, talk to them and show them how you can look out for his or her interest. Do something kind. Show your love and grace not through mere words, but with actions. It'll reveal the character of Christ, which can do more than anything else to change a person. 

BQ: Philippians 2 tells us that, in order to remain united in spirit, romantically or not, we must, "have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus: who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,  but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant.

Stick together with those who have the same goals as you. Empty yourself of selfishness and be willing to take on the attitude of a servant. It's one of the hardest things for us to do, and because of that, being a servant is one of the most memorable things, and the most inspiring to others. Lastly, don't think of servants as just those who clean up counters and do dishes. Soldiers serve their country, and are thus servants.  Be a solider in a great army, and never let anyone divide you to wreck your ability to serve God. 

Too Hard to Find a Christian?

I recently saw a preacher say that it's ok for Christians to marry non-Christians because, "It is very difficult to find a Christian, and God sanctifies the marriage, and wants you happy."  

It stuck me that something is wrong if we think it's "too hard to find a Christian." It's like saying, "look, Satan has a fine selection, and looking for something God offers takes too long and is tedious and might never happen.  Let Satan make you happy!" 





BQ: When you're surrounded by the world, it can be really tempting to date and/or marry the world, too. Much like a man of God living in Canaan, there can seem to be little in the way of Godly options. But Abraham was in that position, and when talking to a manager of his house, he put forth a good example for us, saying,

"I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."  (Genesis 24:2-4)

It is far better to spend time looking for a truly good helper for Christ, and to go great lengths to find him or her, than to settle for a knockoff that Satan puts out, even if the knockoffs outnumber the genuine 1,000,000 to 1.






BQ: Christians often put no emphasis on marrying/courting those who share the same faith, and at times it is pretty discouraging to me.  God describes the lost saying, "their flesh will rot while they stand on their feet, and their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongue will rot in their mouth." (Zech 14:12)

As Christians, we need, "put off [the] old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires," and joining ourselves to dead men walking doesn't accomplish that very well, but instead leads us back to the world.

Instead or dating spiritual zombies, we need to be saving them. Having a strong Christian helper is of incredible value, and that's why Genesis 2:18 says, "And Jehovah says, ' It is not good for the man to be alone, so I make for him a helper — as his counterpart.'"  Find your counterpart and heal the sick, but don't become one with them.







BQ: Lots of Christians are content giving their emotions to those who are spiritually dead, and it weakens their ability to be effective for Christ.  Beyond that, in marriage it leaves their children with mixed leadership. The non-Christian spouse leads toward Satan and being trapped by the world, while the other spouse leads toward God.

In Nehemiah 13:27, God said of His people marrying those who were not, "Must we hear now that you too are doing all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women?" 

God doesn't do this to restrict us, but rather to protect our spirits from life-ruining decisions.  Our effectiveness and happiness can be forever compromised if we take a partner that Satan happily hands us, rather than one who will be an effective teammate. Be effective, be faithful. :)






BQ: The truth is that there are a lot of zombies out there, and we need to avoid being unequally yoked with them. I don't know how to handle it exactly as well as I'd like, but I do refuse to give my emotional core to a person (fall in love with) someone who needs my spiritual help.

Instead, I put their eternity first and follow the advice of Matthew 28:19, which instructs us to, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."  In a world where most Christian ladies are taken, making new Christians isn't a bad deal, but putting "romance" before eternal life is just about the worst choice one can make.

Don't be unequally yoked. If push comes to shove, devote yourself to making a living stone which will be a great counterpart in your work for the Lord, and then do the yoking. Not before. :)

 

Hurt for trying to help?

BQ: Sometimes, people who are spiritually sick will even lash out at you and hurt you when you want to help. If you've seen a trapped, injured animal, this is common when you're trying only to release them from something which is killing them. Do you give up and let Satan take all the way over?

Luke 11:5-8 has a take on a situation in a different light, but the concept is sound. A man goes to someone's house at midnight to ask for a meal for a traveler, and the following happens:

‘Do not bother me; the door has already been shut and my children and I are in bed; I cannot get up and give you anything.’ I tell you, even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs."

Without persistence, nothing good will be accomplished.  If you want to free someone, you need to never give up. 






BQ: I mentioned that people suffering from sin will also lash out when you try to help them. God knows this, and that's why he describes those as suffering from sin as in 2 Pet 2:20-22,

"For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world by the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and are overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. For it would be better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn away from the holy commandment handed on to them.  It has happened to them according to the true proverb, “A dog returns to its own vomit.”

And in verse 12, He wrote, "But these, like unreasoning animals, born as creatures of instinct to be captured and killed..."

When we're enslaved to sin, we can be like unreasoning animals, lashing out at those who help. But in sin, we indulge the flesh, fornicating, drinking in great excess, and never stopping, much as animals do. 






BQ: We saw that in helping free someone from sin, we can accomplish nothing if we decide that, well, we have to give up. 

In Deut 31:6, God said, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

When people you're trying to help hurt you for your efforts, don't be afraid of them, and don't get caught up in the cruelty. But at the same time, God refuses to leave and forsake us, so do not totally write the injured off. 





BQ: When you try to help someone who is spiritually ailing, it's not always sugar and spice and everything nice. Sometimes a person will instead turn on you and tear you down.  

Is this anything new?

No. Jesus came and was perfect, the embodiment of love. For that, He was crucified. We, too, have to expect backlash every now and then, and like Jesus, even from people who at first profess their love for us. 

What do you do if that happens?

A good example is from Acts 16 with Paul and Silas. A crowd of those Paul and Silas wanted to help instead rose up against them, and they were beaten and thrown in prison. Sometimes, when a friend hurts you, you'll feel like this emotionally. I love the response from both Paul and Silas, though, who after this happened, "were praying and singing hymns of praise to God." (Acts 16:25)

When you've been hurt, giving some praise to God with a brother or sister, studying the Bible, and dwelling on Him really help. It always helps me.  I am blessed to know many who build me up when I'm down. Having a spiritual support network is better than anything the world could ever offer. 




BQ: When helping a friend out of sin, it can hurt that individual. They can feel bashed or embarrassed.  Do not say, "You bad person, you! You're a liar and nothing but," but rather, "You're a great person who needs help fixing this issue. Let's work on it together."

The writer of Hebrews came down pretty hard on the audience of the letter for their flaws, but in Hebrews 6:9 said, "But, beloved, we are convinced of better things concerning you, and things that accompany salvation, though we are speaking in this way." 

We have to make it clear that, though we are speaking in this way, that we are convinced of the excellence within them.

As soon as Zion travailed, she brought forth her sons.

With thanks to Rio and Miriam, about something that has been on my mind.

I have personally watched Christian friends slip into the world, committing both spiritual suicide with themselves, and spiritual murder with the things they did with others, and encouraged others to do. And those times have been the most painful of my life, bar none.  And those times have been the most painful of my life, bar none. A lot of that pain comes from the pain of knowing what I've been, and the damage I've caused in the past.

Even if you don't personally like the person that much, the pain is devastating, because there is nothing you can do.  You cannot be the conscience for someone who wants his or her conscience to be seared.  Often, these people will apply a veneer of godliness, so that they can look at their fake reality and call it real, but the poison runs deep and is killing them.

What do you do? Do you delete such a person from your life? Do you utterly abandon them?  

I have often done that. I don't think it's right. It was my selfish way of protecting myself from pain. I once encouraged my mother and sister to abandon someone who caused them great pain and tears. They refused.  Instead of letting the person simply get off easy, they were loving but also truthful.  Their efforts were met seemingly forever with rejection and cruelty.

And yet God says, "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!" (Psalms 126:5)

Who wants to sow a field with such effort that it causes them to cry? Isn't it easier to just abandon that plot and more on to easier territory? 

My sister and mom didn't. They sowed in tears. Eventually, the person they loved changed. Hard times came. Rock bottom was hit. This person was abandoned. And suddenly, the person realized that through everything she had done, despite the evil of it, two people were still compassionate. Compassionate despite the way they'd been treated. And indeed, none of the person's actions had been more than passing pleasure.  And in the end, my mother and sister reaped with joyful shouting.

Compare that with two of my own examples. Both times, I saw someone reverting back to their old friends and old ways, including drinking. Both times, I said, "That hurts me and is repulsive behavior. You're otta' my life."  And both these people, now, are fully surrounded by the world, molded into it as a part of it, horrifically deep.  Attempts by me now to say, "Hey, I care about you," have no weight behind them. Because I gave up. Instead of being loving but correcting, I threw away anything, including hope, no matter how small.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 says, "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." 

Are you like that? If you persist in love, will you not remain green? Are you afraid of the pain, and willing to wilt away from hope and caring? There is only one way to bear fruit, and it is through persistence. 

Sometimes, however, when you are persistent, people will reject you. It happens. As my friend Rio once told me as a wake-up call, and this is paraphrased "Sometimes nothing you do can reach people, and you'll be consumed."  You have to know when that point is, but you can also make the conscious decision to not simply and utterly reject them.

The truth with the person struggling is that we do not know if they will be overcome, or shall overcome.  We cannot make the call with their struggles, or with their future.  We cannot condemn their hearts, but can see their difficulties. 

And more importantly, sometimes people have to hit utter rock bottom. They have to be at the lowest, where the sun does not shine, before they decide they don't want to be in the pit. 

God tells us that a struggle is present, and that it shall not come without weeping. For our struggles, for our help, and for the struggles of others, it is often true that much pain must be endured before we conquer. 

In Isaiah 66:8, God confirms this and says, "Who has heard such a thing? Who has seen such things? Can a land be born in one day? Can a nation be brought forth all at once? As soon as Zion travailed, she also brought forth her sons."

New birth does not come without pain and persistence, but we have to maintain the hope of beautiful things to come. We must have the attitude that we would, "could wish that I myself were accursed, separated from Christ for the sake of my brethren, my kinsmen according to the flesh." (Romans 9:3)

And if you're sad, hurt, and damaged, remember, "Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD." (Proverbs 16:20)  When you're feeling darkest and down in the dumps, dwell even stronger in the Word.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

It's Hard to Forgive!

It's Hard to Forgive!

Do you find it difficult to forgive others who have hurt you?

This is no simple question. Sure, if someone does something unintentionally, or is apologetic... It's pretty easy to forgive them.

What if they hurt you purposefully, callously, and could not care less if you've been deeply wounded by their words and actions?

Should we wait for an apology that may never come?

Many of us are familiar with the verses like this one:

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15
(see also Mark 11:25, Col 3:13)

We know that for God to forgive us, me must be forgiving of others. Sounds simple, right? So what is it that holds us back, that makes it so gut wrenchingly hard sometimes to just let go of the infractions we tightly grasp in our fists and hold over the head of the offender?

For that we must look at our own hearts. What are we storing up? Anger and bitterness, or joy and compassion?

"The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45

If we store up anger and resentment, it will show up in all parts of our life-- creating new victims, and continuing the cycle of hurt. BUT, what if we do this instead:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." Proverbs 3:5-8

Oh what joy it will be to find that HEALING! The kind of healing that penetrates beyond the surface and into our very bones!

We may never understand why that person did what they did! They may never offer a meaningful apology, if they offer one at all. But does it matter whether or not the offender deserves our forgiveness? Does it matter if they appreciate it? It's certainly a nice thought and a great hope. And perhaps our attitude of forgiveness can prick their heart and start them on the path that leads to redemption. (That's not to say that we should allow ourselves to be hurt again-- some situations require that we keep a distance for safety sake.)

But when it comes to forgiving those who have hurt us, we must first remember that God tells us it is vital. After all, we have a Savior who ***gave His very life*** so we ourselves could have forgiveness-- and He did this for everyone, when no one deserved it, whether they loved Him or not. God wants us to extend that same love to others.

It may take time, and it won't be easy, but we must work to empty our hearts of dark thoughts and allow them to be refreshed by the healing power of God's ways.

Need a good place to start renewing your thoughts? Here is some wisdom from Phillipians 4:8-- "...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

And Col 3:12-13--
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."


One more thought-- forgiveness is a topic with many sides and faces. For those dealing with difficult people on a daily basis-- I pray for you. It is a hard journey to have to forgive the same hurts over and over, with no relief in sight.

"Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?"

Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21-22

Wow. That's hard. Almost seems impossible, but remember: "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Phil 4:13

Keep fighting the good fight and be a light for the sake of Christ-- and when you are weak, when you fail, have mercy on yourself. Pray for strength and try, try again.

7 Ways to Destroy a Marriage

1.) Stop communicating. 

Ephesians 5:23-30 says,

"For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body....Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her...So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;  for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body."

In life, our bodies constantly communicate with our heads, and vice versa. What happens if suddenly that communication stops? Usually paralysis, and if it's bad enough, death. Communication both ways is needed for the the organism to survive, and in marriage we are considered "one flesh" and thus one organism.  If you want to kill any relationship, stop communicating. It'll be dead before you know it.








2.) Confide in a friend of the opposite sex. 

What routinely kills marriages is one partner developing strong emotional bonds with someone of the opposite sex. This is true of any romantic relationship. If you need emotional support, go to your spouse. Your spouse must be your best friend. 1 Cor 13:4 reminds us that, "love does not envy," and if you're making your spouse jealous for the bond he/she wants to have with you, you're introducing something which is certainly not love. 

If you let someone else take the place of your partner emotionally, sexually, or physically, you're making a choice to tear down everything that you've built.









3.) Demean or insult your spouse.

Eph 5:29 points out that in a marriage, "no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church." If you are belittling your spouse instead of encouraging him/her, there's no nourishment going on. The relationship will grow as well as a plant watered with paint thinner, because insults and belittling statements cause envy and are utterly toxic. 

It's worth noting that comparing your spouse or romantic interest negatively to someone else is the absolute most deadly thing to do. "Well Jerry is more manly," or, "Jessica's a lot more feminine" shows that not only do you not appreciate the one you claim to love, but that you're thinking about someone else, too...and viewing them as a more desirable mate.








4.) Stop having sex.

Sex is a great thing which God has provided, and is an intimate thing between only you and your spouse. It is a bond that has been committed to with words, and, at a physiological level, even with chemicals. It you stop seeing it as important, your relationship will almost certainly head downhill, unless there is mutual apathy, in which case it's already in trouble. Look at the importance that God places on it in 1 Cor 7:3-5,

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

If you stop making love, you give Satan another avenue to tempt and try to destroy a marriage.







5.) Start keeping secrets.

I once saw a post that discussed relationships which were budding, and it said:

 “The Detective Rule”. "The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately. Remember your Constant? Do you play detective with them? Do you cyberstalk their Facebook page and question their every intention? No, of course not. So you know the common denominator is external."

God speaks in Job about trust, and there are two types which play out. In Job 11:18, there is trust that is solid, "“Then you would trust, because there is hope; And you would look around and rest securely."  Notice the confidence and ability to rest well and be at peace. On the other hand, if our spouse keeps secrets, we start to have "confidence that is fragile, and trust that is a spider's web."  (Job 8:14)

Don't keep secrets. You'll both be able to sleep easily at night.








6.) Spend lots of time around people who don't like your spouse or loved one.

I have seen this one happen a LOT.  Every time I've seen it, it's been the mother or father (or both) who hate who their child has married or is in love with. This is a recipe for disaster because, as Matthew 6:24 notes, "No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."

Suddenly the spouse will be trying to maintain the relationship with the friends or family who dislike who he/she has married, and in doing so, they have to subtly ally themselves with these individuals.  

If that happens, we need to remember that, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." (Gen 2:24)  A new family has been made, and bitterness from an old family cannot be present. The husband and wife must be one flesh, and must both refuse to allow an emotional war to take place. 








7.) Quit trying.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'" —Mary Radmacher 

If your goal is success, you must keep striving toward it. If neither partner gives up, success will result, but if just one partner gives up, destruction is guaranteed.  "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up...Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD of hosts." ( Gal 6:9 & Zech 4:6)

Responsibilites of a wife.

I'm starting a study on husbands and wives and their responsibilities. I have a few topics that I'm briefly looking at (not really sure how much I'll post here), but here's how I'm going to approach it; for now we're just looking at the wife: 

Wife's responsibilities:

Excellence

Submission

Respect

Companionship

Maintenance of the home environment 

Husband's responsibilities: 

Leadership

Love

Nourishment 

Cherishment (this word was used as late as 1913)

Excellence:
 

BQ: For today, let's start to look at excellence for the wife.  Her responsibility is to bring glory and honor to her family, and if she does her duty well, she will be a crown to her husband. If she fails, she can really cause some damage! Proverbs 12:4 says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." 

Speaking of that, even outside of the marriage, the woman is charged with bringing glory to men, just as men are charged with bringing glory to God. "For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man." (I Corinthians 11:7)

While we'll continue on tomorrow, it's important to realize that good marriages really need the husband to see his wife as an incredible blessing from God, and one of the greatest gifts in his life, constantly amazed that he has even been allowed to marry a woman so great. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord." (Pro 18:22) 

We'll discuss more on this tomorrow. 





BQ: So we're looking at the responsibilities of a wife, and we're digging into why she needs to be excellent. :) Today we'll look at how to define that more by taking a look at what the opposite of it might be.

To see what "not excellent is," let's look at Pro 9:13-18 in part, where Solomon describes the foolish woman. The woman of folly is boisterous,

She is naive and knows nothing.

She sits at the doorway of her house,

On a seat by the high places of the city,

Calling to those who pass by,

Who are making their paths straight:

Obviously this isn't an excellent wife, but rather a very foolish one. Of note to me is that, lacking excellence, she tries to bring others in with her, and that seems to be pretty common for people who aim low. Talk about lacking discretion. And to REALLY talk about lacking discretion, we can go to Proverbs 11:22, which says, As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion."

Looks just don't define an excellent wife. Even if every kiss did begin with Kay, putting one of their rings on a pig wouldn't enhance the pig or make it a better wife.  Likewise, a lady without excellence of character is not going to be enhanced by her physical beauty.





BQ: In defining an excellent woman, we've also looked at what the opposite is. Today we'll see a couple of other quick verses about less-than-awesome wives (and don't worry, these exist for men, too!). 

“It is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (Proverbs 21:9)

“It is better to live in a desert land, than with a contentious and vexing woman.” (Proverbs 21:19)

A contentious person is someone who likes to argue. God designed men to be leaders, and for women to help the men be leaders. Men often rely upon women for support, and that's one reason that woman is "the glory of man." 

The natural differences between the sexes can cause issues if not managed wisely, though. A woman may want to return to a problem passively many times, mulling it over in her mind, when the man may have already put it behind him, thinking that decisions were made and that the issue was dealt with. When not expressed healthily, this can leave the husband thinking that his wife is argumentative or nagging, even if it's not truly the case. Instead of pestering, let the decision play out. Often men realized when they've failed and will learn better by having the freedom to fall flat on their faces.





BQ: Proverbs 31:10-31 describes an excellent woman, so go read it, as I'm not posting it all here. I'd like to note a couple of important passages that we sometimes gloss over. In part they are:

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her;

So he will have no lack of gain."

A great relationship is defined by trust, and it's not simply a stagnant one. Instead, it leads to great gain. 

"She considers a field and buys it;From her profits she plants a vineyard...."

Women are to be good stewards of money. Often women are more inclined to go couponing, and when they've found one good deal, to return even it if they find a better one somewhere else. Men are honestly lazy sometimes. We'll go in, grab it if it doesn't seem like highway robbery, and leave—NEVER returning a purchase or spending hours up hours shopping for better deals. Women really help out their husbands by being great with money and wisely making purchasing decisions. 

"Her husband also, and he praises her”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,

But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

The best definition of a great woman is one who submits to the Lord. In order for a marriage to be truly great, though, the husband needs to make sure he's praising her for all that she is. 

Submission:

BQ: Uh oh...continuing to look at the role of wives, we're coming up to the topic of submission! Sound the alarm! Misogyny! Chauvinism! Sexism! Oh my!  Let's start off with scripture:

"Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.” (Gen 3:16)

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." (Col 3:18)

"But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." (1 Cor 11:3)

Submission complements authority. In order for society to function, we rely on some submission to authority. In the military, I submit to my superiors. However, that does not mean that I can go around breaking laws based off of the requirement that I submit to them. 

The same is true for women and men. The family functions best with the man as the leader, but women are only to submit to them as is fitting in the Lord. If a man wants the wife to do something that God wouldn't do, then that's game over there. But if he is leading her in a Godly direction, it will be naturally fulfilling to submit to that direction, anyway! 





BQ: More on submission. Sometimes people think it's a forced thing, and it's not. We'll look at the negative state of it to pull out a more positive note:

"A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike; 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, And grasps oil with his right hand." (Pro 27:15-16) 

A husband cannot MAKE his wife submit, nor should he try to. Instead, his own Godly example should be appealing. His leadership should make her want to follow him, and he should pick a wife who will want to go where he's going—marching onward to Zion!



Respect:

BQ: Wives need to respect their husbands, and husbands need to love their wives. For an awesome lesson on this by Luke Wilson, listen here: http://www.newcreation.us/podcasts/Marriage-Family-Part05.mp3

 "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Eph 5:33)

Respect is something that we've studied before, and it boils down to valuing something. If you have something that you value highly, you'll think about it often, take care of it, and sing its praises. Imagine owning an Aston Martin (or a...some piece of fine jewelry; I'm not a lady so this is hard for me).  Would you find yourself pointing out its flaws all the time, or treating it like some old beater? Probably not. 

Remember to value and respect your husbands. And listen to that podcast, because Luke says it way better than I can! 



Companionship:

BQ: Wives need to give their husbands companionship. As much as we act tough (and are!), we also have a desire to have a companion. 

In Genesis 2:18-23, God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, and so He created a helper for him. Men are not meant to live lives of isolation, and wives are the solution.

In Titus 2:4-5, older women are told to teach younger women how to "phillio" their husbands, which is a form of love shown between best friends. You'd think that this would come naturally, but apparently sometimes ladies need to be taught this.  "Admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."

In Acts 20:35, we learn that it is "more blessed to give than to receive."  It is not just what you can get out of marriage that's important, but what you put into it. Giving reflects the Christian attitude of service to others. The husband should bring to the relationship his devotion to his wife, and his wife should give him fully the companionship that he needs.

 


Housekeeping:

BQ: In both Titus 2:4-5 and Proverbs 31, we saw that God appointed women as keepers of the house. This makes sense, as men are usually equipped to be our working and providing for the family. This command is sometimes looked at as being pretty demeaning today, but it isn't. In fact, it's something that women are usually better at. Anyway, read Proverbs 31 again. 

Just as the husband is responsible for the incoming funds on which the family operates, the wife is responsible for managing the outflow of those funds. We saw before that the wife is noted as using the money to buy wisely, and now I'd like to point out that she's also compared to a fleet of merchant ships (Proverbs 31:14). God puts a lot of association between the wife and the smart use of finances.  

  “She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness.” (Proverbs 31:27). Wives cook and manage the entire household, (Proverbs 31:15), monitor the finances, (Proverbs 31:18), and make sure that there is extra money to help those in need (Proverbs 31:20). They also make sure that their children are clothed and taught. (Proverbs 31:21-22, 26). 

Lastly, it is noted throughout that the wife has incredible power, as she can set the tone not just for herself, but for the entire household. This is an incredibly weighty assignment, and one that husbands should help in, just as the wives should help the husbands. 

Mini-devotionals on marriage.

Various Thoughts on Marriage

Submitting to a Husband

BQ: In a Bible study I was having with a girl recently (solicited at her request, which made me happy), she mentioned wanting to assemble with the saints, but not wanting to disrespect her husband, as he might not appreciate her doing it. It is true that God tells wives to submit to their husbands (and there is much more that can be said about that in the opposite direction), but should they skip assembly because a husband does not like it?

No. God commands that we submit first to Him in all things. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18)."  Ideally the wife will have married a man who is after God's own heart. Regardless of who she has married, she must submit to God over man. PN372

Spiritual Adultery

BQ: God is described as "jealous" at some points. Why is this?

Jealousy can be a vice (Gal 5:9), but it can also be godly (2 Cor 11:2). Throughout the Bible, God is presented as a compassionate spouse. He becomes full of incredibly sadness when His people leave him. "My heart is turned over within Me, all my compassions are kindled" (Hos 11:8).

When jealousy is used in regards to God, it is associated with people worshiping false gods. God has suffered the pain of his spouse repeatedly cheating, and explains in Eze 6:9, "How I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me, and by their eyes which play the harlot after their idols."  He explains that loving the world instead of Him is adultery. (Jms 4:4)

One interesting reason that God is torn hurt by an adulterous people is because He wants us to come to Him, where there is eternal life. As He says in Jer 2:13, "for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." God wants dearly for us to partake of living waters; it is incredibly painful when we cheat on Him and desiccate our souls. PN374

Apathy in Marriage?

BQ: If one spouse cheated on the other, and the other spouse was indifferent, would it suggest love? Of course not. Apathy doesn't care.

One aspect of God's desire to be in a covenant relationship with His people is that He does care. God's jealousy not only shows that He cares, but is also often longsuffering. His anger is reluctant. "Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? Why will you die, O house of Israel?  For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord God; so turn, and live.” (Eze 18:23;31-32) 

In the book of Amos, as well as many others, God repeatedly attempts to get His people to return to Him, yet the response is so often, "Yet you have not returned to Me." Sometimes people present God's anger as prideful and arrogant, yet we see that He shows great love, vulnerability, and reluctance to give up on anyone. God is the ultimate forgiver.  PN375

Bringing Happiness to a Wife

BQ: Marriages in America so often fail. What interesting command did God give newlywed Israelites, and how does it apply to marriages today?

"When a man has taken a wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5).

God recognized the importance of spouses devoting time to one another and building bonds that would last a lifetime, to the point that soldiers were released from duty to accomplish it. Today newly-married couples often don't devote extra time to their marriages, instead allocating it to the worries of the world just as they had before it was married. This leads to problems down the road. 

It's important to grow spiritually together and to bring each other great happiness. Grow deep roots while there is a chance. :) PN376

Had a Marriage Fail?

  BQ: Have you ever had a marriage fail? Has it made you feel like a failure or like you're not worth much? 

One thing I need to point out: if you've had this happen but you've been putting God first, great things can come of it, and it does NOT mean that you're a failure. God discusses the worst of hardships, and look at what He says:

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written,“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long; We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:31;35-37)

Look at that horrible list, and yet to God, that's a sign of an overwhelming conqueror. Being cheated on by the person you trust most in this physical life is certainly one of the worst tribulations, but it's no reason to think that you're a failure. In fact, it might be a sign that you're an overwhelming conqueror! 

 And to top it all off, "We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God." (Rom 8:28) Sing and be happy, overwhelming conqueror! We're in this together, and with the best ally ever on our side!  PN377

Preparing Children for Marriage

BQ: The rate at which marriages fail in America these days is quite saddening. One reason they fail is inadequate preparation and instruction of one or both of the spouses during their childhoods.  God thought it was important, saying, "The older women likewise...admonish the young women to love their husbands." (Titus 2:3)

This applies to men as well. Inadequately prepared children later on become adults and then fail to succeed in marriage. When two people grow up with parents who fall flat in regards to loving one another, this inadequate preparation tends to flow to the next generation. 

We need to make a concerted effort to educate our children on love. These days most people are too busy working to give much focus on teaching their kids. In Deut 6:6, God indicated that it's best to spend a great deal of time teaching children: "You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." PN378

Marriage and the Actions of Men

BQ: In a marriage, how should a husband treat a wife? Modern society has warped the inherent biologic differences of men and women, to the point that some consider it offensive that one would even say that there are differences at all. It's all about who a person "feels" they are.  Feelings are never a basis for truth, and this attitude can lead to the failure of relationships. 

Why can it lead to failure? When I worked in the oil field, none of our crews had any women on them. Recently, the Marines had to revise rules allowing women to serve, since more than half of the female marines couldn't do three pull-ups. Women and men are biologically different and serve different roles, yet they're both important. 

In regards to the above, God says this, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Pet 3:7) If we really want our relationships to succeed, we need to focus on fulfilling our respective roles, and men need to step up to the plate and be men. A large part of that is showing understand and honor to our wives and realizing how beautiful and valuable they are. Failing to do that damages not only our physical relationships, but our relationship with God. PN379

Loving Your Wife

BQ:  How much should a man love his wife, and how should a wife respond? Let's look at two aspects.

1.) Husbands should love and care for their wives as they do for their own bodies. Wives should respect their loving husbands: 

 "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph 5:28-29;33)"

2.) Beyond even the above, husbands need to love their wives sacrificially, being willing to give even their lives for them: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. (Eph 5:25)"

It's important that a potential husband will take his responsibility to love and care for his wife seriously, and it's important that brides make sure that their potential husband will model their marriage after Christ's relationship with the church.  That sort of love is ultimately respectable. PN380

Look But Don’t Touch?

BQ: My dad has long maintained that it's ok to "look as long as you don't touch," and even has a "three-second rule," where he says when you're taking your wife/girlfriend on a date, it's ok to stare at another woman for three straight seconds if she's attractive. A lot of husbands take this approach. Is it ok?

No, and Jesus clarified, saying, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Mt 5:27-28)

Marital infidelity does not spontaneously spring up physically. A husband doesn't walk down the street and suddenly find himself fornicating. Rather, it begins in the mind through mental conditioning. It's a slippery slope that leads to the physical, so it needs to be put away at all costs. If you play with fire, you'll get burned. (Pro 6:27) And of course the same goes for wives.  PN381

Rash Wedding Vows

BQ: "Until death do us part" has taken on the meaning of, "Until I find someone that tickles my fancy." Lots of people get divorced and then remarry because they "love the new person more."  I've heard one person say that the first woman he married just wasn't his soul mate, but he still considered himself a follower of Christ after divorcing her for someone he 'fell for.' What does God say about making vows?

"It is a snare for a man to devote rashly something as holy, And afterward to reconsider his vows; When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools." (Pro 20:25; Eccl 5:4-5)

God takes the vows we make with incredible seriousness. He considers those in Christ (the church) to be married to Christ.  Imagine if He took the same casual view of marriage and decided to dump us because we weren't interesting enough anymore! 

Marriage is very serious and should be taken that way. Although the world considers divorce a casual standard, we cannot. PN382

Suitable Helpmate

BQ: During creation, God said 7 times, "It is good." One time He said, "It is not good," and that was because man was alone without a companion. What is the companion for man described as?

There's so much meaning in this verse: "Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will for him a suitable helpmate.” (Gen 2:18)

When I think about who I want to marry, I realize that I'm looking for someone who completes the puzzle that is me. Ultimately, I'm looking for my mate to help me in my life's mission. Since my primary mission is spiritual, my "suitable helpmate" must also be spiritually focused if she's going to fit in to my puzzle. I want my completed puzzle to resemble a picture of Christ, not the world. 

We get to choose what our puzzle ends up looking like, and the spouse we choose helps complete that picture. What picture are you aiming for? What is a "suitable helpmate" to you? PN383

An Inadequate Puzzle

BQ: Yesterday we saw that woman was designed to be an suitable helpmate for man.  In many ways this is akin to matching two pieces of a puzzle together. In selecting the puzzle piece to fit with us, we need to choose wisely. Please consider the following: 

"Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it." (Psalms 127:1)

I have seen so many people, including myself, try and build a house by focusing on the worldly side of things and picking partners who aren't spiritually sound. There is the temptation to say, "He/she makes me emotionally happy, so it's good enough!" It's like building a house on the side of a volcano and saying, "But every day the view is just STUNNING!" 

Overcoming this tendency is hard. For some reason we look at the world, see the poor state of it, and think that we should re-prioritize and put "spiritual health" of the people we're considering being involved with as one of the less-vital things to consider. 

When you're dating, how high on the list is being a spiritual leader? Are you really putting God first? Tomorrow we'll consider the importance of good fathers and how it impacts children. PN384

Stats on the Importance of Strong Christian Men

  BQ:  Today I'd like to focus on if it's important for women to select strong, spiritual husbands.

I knew one girl who dated a guy who called himself a Christian but certainly made no attempts to be at all like Christ. When I asked her if she thought it was a wise choice, she replied, "I can handle it!" Maybe, but what about your kids? Below are some statistics from government studies which show how important it is to choose husbands who are strong, spiritual leaders: 

If mother and father attend assembly/"church" regularly:

33% of their children will end up attending church regularly

25% of their children will end up not attending at all

If mother attends church regularly. Father does not attend church at all:

2% of their children will end up attending church regularly

60% of their children will end up not attending at all

If father attends church regularly. Mother does not attend church at all:

44% of their children will end up attending church regularly

34% of their children will end up not attending at all

If the mother is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 17% probability that everyone in the household will follow. 

If the father is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 93% probability that everyone in the household will follow. 

As you can see, it's important to pick a strong husband. Often Christians pick poor mates because they're picking impatiently and with spirituality being one of the lowest-ranking criteria. This sets up a tough future for the family. As 1 Cor 15:33 says, "Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” PN385

The Nature of Men

BQ: Today I'd like to explore the differences between men and women. Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." Gender, we see, is at the spiritual level. 

If we look at the record of creation, we'll notice that man was somewhat wild at heart, and in fact, man was created OUTSIDE of the garden of Eden, and then placed into the garden by God. The good men throughout the Bible had a desire to fight a battle, to succeed spiritually, and starting with the first man, there was a desire to have a female companion.

When God created Eve, she was greatly desired by Adam, and in good relationships, that needs to be present. Husbands should not forget that their wives want to loved and desired, that in fact they were created to help complete man. Husbands should also remember that women want to feel that they are worth being sought after, defended, and importantly, that their lives are worth sharing in. 

Based on the desires that were latent in the creation of men and women, women need to know that they're beautiful and worth being sought after for their capabilities, and men need to know that they are strong, competent leaders for their families. PN386

Hidden Love

BQ: A lady once told me about the person she was courting, "I love him, but I just don't feel like he truly loves me in return." This is a common problem in many relationships, especially marriages that are past the honeymoon stage, and it can  be an absolute killer.  God knew the gravity of such a situation and said, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." (Proverbs 27:5)

It has been said that there are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Get to know what makes your spouse feel most loved and make certain to love as a verb every day. Don't keep your love hidden, lest it seem to fade away. PN387

Shall Become One

BQ: Gen 2:23-24 says, "She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

When marriages fail, it's because at least one spouse does not see him/herself as being part of one flesh. Marriage beings with a commitment and is sustained by discipline.  One of my friends once said, "If a relationship begins with just sparks, it might end with sparks." It's a lot more work to stay in love than to "fall in love," because one is feelings that change, and the others are consistent, persistent actions—otherwise known as a form of work. 

If you're married, focus on maintaining your marriage and building each other up spiritually. If something is valuable,  it's better to perform preventative maintenance along the way than to wait until it falls apart and then try to salvage it. Remember, it's not just the other spouse at risk—God sees you as one flesh. PN388

A Selfless Relationship

BQ: Luke 6:35 says, "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High."

One aspect missing from many marriages is that of selflessness. Relationships can't be 50/50—they need to be 100/100, with each partner giving it all they have. Watch your expectations, that you don't let them ruin your appreciation. 

My friend Luke Wilson told me that there are four important four minute periods: the first four minutes in the morning, the last four minutes before work, the first four minutes after work, and the last four minutes before sleep. Some of those moments can be tired and make you want to be grumpy, but try to uplift your spouse and keep him/her encouraged. Things run a lot smoother with a little oil.  And if your spouse is stressed or grumpy, be loving anyway, and remember Luke 6:35. PN389

You Can Change You

BQ: Often marriages encounter times where one spouse is unhappy for any of a multitude of reasons, and the reaction is negativity and bitterness. The following is not always applicable, but it can help at times:

"Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye." (Matthew 7:1-5 in part)

Often a way to engender kind feelings is to take the approach of, "The problem with us is me."  The thing is, you cannot force your spouse to change, but it's easy to change yourself. Regardless of the outcome, taking the selfless, introspective, approach will lead to spiritual growth and integrity, and there is nothing more satisfying and healing than that. It is the best possible outcome. PN390

Child of Wrath

BQ: In a marriage, selfishness leads to bitterness and resentment, and is utterly opposed to appreciation. Have you ever felt those feelings toward your spouse while knowing that they were not deserved? What is this a symptom of?

The answer is in Ephesians 2:3, "Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest."

The solution to being a child of wrath is to put on the new self, and to completely get rid of that old man who is struggling to come back. Instead,  follow Jesus' example, who washed the feet of even Judas, his betrayer. Remember that, "it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." (Gal 2:20) Whether or not someone changes is binary: yes or no. If we behave as Christ, we can always say confidently that we gave it our best effort.  For me, at least, I'm able to sleep soundly as long as I can say that. PN391

Communication in Marriage

 BQ: In marriages, communication is worth its weight in gold. Not only that, but it's one of the most highly emphasized things in the Bible. Look at God's example of the Tower of Babel: simply by creating poor communication, God was able to terminate itt. On the other hand, Christ began His church with precise communication on the day of Pentecost. 

When you're considering your marriage, consider how important it is to communicate with your spouse. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." We have the power to create beautiful, vibrant growth in our marriages simply through good, loving communication. Let's do it! PN392

Let Him Hear

BQ: In Matthew 11:15, Jesus said, ""He who has ears to hear, let him hear." Since our relationship as a church with Christ is a marriage relationship, consider the implications of those words as applied to your own marriage. According to Brecheen and Faulkner, couples spend only 27 minutes a week in focused conversation. Think about that. Roughly 3.8 minutes per day are spent in focus conversation.

It is no surprise that marriages that marriages can struggle in such environments. Consider again what Jesus said. It is well known that the best communicators are excellent listeners, and they listen to everything that someone else has to say, not just a tidbit here and there. If you don't spend much time in focused conversation with your spouse, you won't really know who they are. Prioritize learning about your spouse and becoming a solid team. PN393

Words Will Never Hurt Me?

 BQ: There is a popular saying that isn't true, though the intent is good. It goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  I talked to a man once after I heard him screaming at his fiance. "Yeah, he told me, I got a little miffed, but those were just words and they don't mean nuthin'."

The truth is, damaging words can be very hurtful. It can take far, far longer for emotional damage to heal than for our physical bodies. Remember that God says, "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." (Mt 12:37) Words aren't "nuthin'," they are the lifeblood that keeps relationships alive, and poison in them courses straight to the heart of a relationship and damages it. Not only that, but angry words damage our relationship with Jesus. PN394

Response to Those Who Caused Pain

BQ: Sometimes divorces happen when one spouse cheats on another. Sometimes the cheating spouse can be downright mean and villainous, often in an attempt to justify their evil behavior. It can be tempting for the (former) spouse who has been betrayed to feel anger and bitterness over lost time, deceit, and many other things, and sometimes he or she might express that through negative, angry, bitter language directed at the cheater. What does God say about such things? 

Ultimately, the bitter, angry attitude, when coupled with such words, is an attempt to take vengeance on the person who is demonstrably in the wrong, but God tells us, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)  God says this because He wants us to heal, and that's accomplished through the following set of actions found in Phil 3:14-16:

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Move on and start healing! PN395

Enjoying your spouse.

BQ: I'm thinking about doing some more stuff on marriage since I'm SOOOOO close to getting married.  

We've often covered the importance of putting the spirituality first, so don't throw that to the wind. Still, when getting to know a lady, it's important for the man to ask, "Is this a relationship that I enjoy?" Sometimes, deep down, the answer is "no." Maybe it's too full of drama and turmoil, or maybe the personalities just don't match quite right so, while there is some attraction, there's not too much enjoyment. 

This really goes both ways, but God tells men to, "Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun." (Eccl 9:9) Before getting into a relationship for life, it's important to make sure that it will not only be edifying, but enjoyable.

Three Points for Healthy Relationships

Marriages depend on love, commitment, and discipline. Love these days, though, is often thrown about with little regard. It's come to mean, "yeah, I like you a lot," but it's often taken away in the blink of an eye for various reasons. Maybe something nicer looking comes along, or the person wants to do some damage as "punishment" for some wrong, real or not. 

With that in mind, I'd like to look at some verses and apply to them to marriage, dating, etc. Basically, this is a mini-study that I've for me to correct some of my own aberrant behavior. I hope it's helpful to you, too. Let's look at 3 points that I need to work on. 



1: Consistency is Key:


Starting off, let's look at Luke 7:24-27.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.  The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”

Apply this to a relationship. God is called the, "Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadows." In our relationship with God, there is an INCREDIBLY solid foundation. Unlike sand, there is NOTHING to shift around and cause us to sink or break apart, but everything to provide the firmest foundation.

When getting a relationship started (and continuing it), it's incredibly important to be consistent and without variation. People fear the unknown, and variation puts all sorts of unknown variables into the equation, which in turn makes the relationship one with an underlying miasma of fear.

Personally, I need to work on being more consistent. I've gotten better, but I can still be somewhat inconsistent. As a man, I need to be solid, strong, and courageous, with persistence and patience. A family and marriage will need a solid foundation, and I need to provide that.

Ladies are designed as "suitable helpmates" (Gen 2:18) for men.  I think of it like a puzzle. Some pieces will fit together, but not very well. In order for the puzzle to link together and really stay in place, the complementary pieces need to be hooked together. If one or both pieces are somehow changing shape and having variation, like shifting sand, it's going to be very hard for that puzzle to stay together. As suitable helpmates, women can offer great reassurance to man by being stable and consistent.





2: Tears Don't Mean Failure

It's tempting to look at a relationship and say, "Man, this is a lot of work."  Sometimes relationships drive us to cry, and our effort seems fruitless. However, tears coming from working to make a relationship work don't mean failure. In fact, in our relationship with Christ, we go out to others showing love for them, and it can be painful. Psalms 126:6 says,

"He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,

Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

Our society encourages a throwaway mentality, but if you're in a relationship, don't throw it away. Stick with it through the tears, all the way to the end. The loudest shouts of joy often come when we overcome the most!





3: Do You Love Like Christ?

I used to throw people away when stuff didn't work. "Well I'm not going to date you anymore, so kindly stay 100% out of my life," was pretty much my attitude. However, I'm a Christian, which means that I am like Christ. Indeed, I say that I have the mind of Christ, which means that I can't be like that. Why not?

I often use the "l" word, but not "love" like America sees it. These days, it's serious business to me. I love everyone, and in dating or relationships, it's the same. Sometimes things MIGHT not work out; sometimes for a little bit, and sometimes permanently. But that doesn't change how I'm going to act. 

Here's why:

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:38-39)

I want to be like Christ, and that means I want my love to be like Christ. Just because something goes wrong doesn't mean that I'll let it separate my love from the person. Love transcends my desires and is replaced by Christ's. If you really love someone, you won't give up on them. You might be forced into a different type of relationship with them emotionally, but spiritually you'll still love them, be there for them, and seek to help them maximize their potential in Christ. That's what love is. It doesn't stop just because it's hurt or upset. It sees damage and wants to heal, it seems pitfalls and wants to help avoid, and it endures forever. It is the greatest thing we can offer. 

The Heart, the Center of Life

This is a broad topic that I'll call, "At the Core, it's the Heart." It will answer the question, "What are characteristics of the heart?"  Can you name some?

1st, your heart should be carefully guarded:
 

Watch over your heart with all diligence,

For from it flow the springs of life. (Pr 4:23)

We have to be careful with our hearts, because having damage to them damages one's entire life. 

2nd, your heart determines your character: 

For as he thinks within himself, so he is.

He says to you, “Eat and drink!”

But his heart is not with you. (Pr 23:7)

Kind words don't matter if not backed up by action. In being careful with our hearts, we also have to observe the actions of others that proclaim to have desire for us. Especially in romance, people can get stuck in abusive cycles by listening to the words of the abuser and not the actions. 

3rd, it is the source of defilement when not cleaned:

"But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man."(Mt 15:18)

This is basically the same as the next one, but the heart is our character. If it's harboring some oily, dark problems, expect them to be manifested in our lives. But if it's pure and upright, expect to see it shining no matter what.

4th, it controls your speech: 

"The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart." (Lu 6:45)

Ever had someone hurt you with words on purpose? Evil words are just that: evil. They don't spring up out of nowhere, but rather flow from the heart. It's fine to be honest, but it's not fine to seek to do damage to someone else. Ever. Satan's the enemy here. 

5th, it is the source of belief:

"for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation." (Rom 10:10)

This one is important. We can go through every nice action in the world, but if our heart does not have conviction, there is no belief, and it's all for naught. It's the same in ANY relationship. If your heart isn't in it, it's going to be hollow; a facade filled with nothing. No happy memories, nothing. 

6th, it can be a deceitful thing:

“The heart is more deceitful than all else

And is desperately sick;

Who can understand it?" (Jer 17:9)

Man, this one always hits home. For me, it's in relationships. I used to be drawn to people that I knew weren't good, but I said, "Hey, that's love for you! Can't help what my heart loves." How wrong I was. The heart can be incredibly deceitful, and we need to rely instead on the mind of Christ. (1 Cor 2:16)

7th, it can be stricken by failing to obtain something desired:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But desire fulfilled is a tree of life." (Pro 13:12)

Here's a good quote to sum this up: "Delay in the accomplishment of some much-desired goal occasions sinking of the spirits and despondence; but, when the object of longing is obtained, it is a tree of life."  

This is the same in our love relationships with Christ and with our marriage partners. If we delay being immersed and receiving the Holy Spirit, we often encounter needless heartsickness, because we leave a hole in our lives. The same thing can be said of a man not going for his suitable helpmate. 

8th, a broken heart is a true form of illness that affects even the strongest person:

So the king said to me, “Why is your face sad though you are not sick? This is nothing but sadness of heart. Then I was very much afraid.” (Neh 2:2) 

A sad heart is the hardest wound to heal. 


9th, hearts can be broken, but they can also be healed and strengthened:

Reproach has broken my heart and I am so sick.

And I looked for sympathy, but there was none,

And for comforters, but I found none. (Psa 69:20) 

"For it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace." (Heb 13:9)


Luckily, God can heal any damage to us, including to our hearts, and he can strengthen us beyond our comprehension! :)

Characteristics of Married Love

BQ: Love in marriage is essential. This is kind of a one-off sort of BQ, but I was looking at some things that married love did in the Bible, or how it was described. It's kinda pleasant to share.

Married love brings comfort even after the death of a loved one: 
"Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her; thus Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death."  Gen 24:67 

Married love makes time seem to go by faster and better: 
"So Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her." (Ge 29:20)* (Or the sort of love that will lead to a marriage, in this case, but it remained the same, so I'm including it!)

Married love cannot be replaced by all the riches in the world: 
“Many waters cannot quench love,

Nor will rivers overflow it;

If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love,

It would be utterly despised.” (Song 8:7)

Things to appreciate in Christian dating.

BQ: Because I'm a youngish single man, I'm always fairly interested in finding an awesome, Christian wife. One thing I've noticed, though, is that often Christian girls are like, "Yep, Christian dude, yawn," whereas non-Christian girls appreciate me a ton. Why might this be?

I think that Daniel starts with part of the answer in 12:3, "Those who have insight will shine brightly like the brightness of the expanse of heaven, and those who lead the many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever." I'm not exactly full of insight, but I'm able to parrot what God says in the Bible, and I think that makes me shine a little brighter to some people in the world.

Luke 6:36-50 recounts a similar-ish thing, and in part it says, "“There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?43 Simon answered and said, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.”"

People who are the most in the dark at times appreciate the light far more than those who are wandering around in broad daylight. And I'm not saying that I'm the light, but I do at least try and have my lantern shining, so maybe people are at least attracted to that! It's certainly an odd position for a young, Christian guy to be in. :)

BQ: As a single Christian, there are opportunities to date people who are also Christian. I try and always be mindful of how God views me, since my marriage to Christ comes first. If you're a Christian, what vibe do you give off?
 

I've seen some Christians that I wouldn't date because they fit into the mold of the sons of Gad and Reuben in Num 32:6, which says, "But Moses said to the sons of Gad and to the sons of Reuben, “Shall your brothers go to war while you yourselves sit here?" Often people will realize that they're kind of lazy and try to cloak it with nice words as Jehu did when he said, " “Come with me and see my zeal for the Lord.” (2 Kings 10:16)

If you're a real Christian, you probably want to see some real Christian attributes, and not just words. Why? 1 Thess 3:7 nails it: "In all our distress and affliction we were comforted about you through your faith."  If your partner is faithful to God, you'll always have a reason for comfort! 
 

Playing games when you're dating.

BQ: In budding relationships, people sometimes try and pit one person against another to make themselves seem more valuable. What does God say about this?

A: "Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, But who can stand before jealousy?" (Pro 27:4) If you check it out, Proverbs 6 mentions jealousy in the same manner, except it's associated with adultery. 

Jealousy in relationships is very unhealthy when it's created to manipulate someone, and it's considered even worse than anger and wrath. Don't use it as a tool or try to "play the game." Why begin a relationship with someone that's associated with failed marriages? Be open, honest, and loving instead.
 

8 principles for healthy, Christian relationships

From the book, Extraordinary Mercy, I'd like to explore eight principles that will help Christians have healthy relationships.
 

1—Ephesians 4:1 says to "live a life worthy of the calling." Isaiah prophesied of a people who would submit to God all the time, not just on one day of the week. Our objective cannot be to straddle the fence with one foot in the heavenly places and one in the world. If we aim 100% to be like Christ, everything else will flow from that. We'll still explore those other principles, however. 
 

2—Ephesians 4:2-3 says to have, "all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." It's hard sometimes, but being open to other opinions is important.  It's important to be united in a relationship instead of divided, and tomorrow we'll explore some of the critical areas on which we must unite. 
 

3—There are seven core "ones" in Christianity on which we must unite.   "There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling;  one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all." (Eph 4:4-6) We must agree on the essential nature of all of these items, just as God does.
 

4—We must speak the truth in love. We cannot use this as a loophole to pull out the shotguns. People must know that we care before they care what we know.  "Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." (Eph 4:15) Without truth, "love" is nothing more than empty flattery of the flesh. Without love, truth is a crushing hammer. We must combine them.
 

5— "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." It is critical to resolve anger quickly, lest it master us. We must not try to simply "live with it."  We must not wait. While God acknowledges that not all anger is sin, anger which festers destroys. To have healthy relationships, we must resolve it. 
 

6. Learn to control your words if you want to be spiritually healthy. How often I've heard Christians tell perverted or cruel jokes and many other things. Instead, "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." (Eph 4:29) This is so often callously, carelessly violated. One of my Christian friends bragged, in a way similar to how I used to, that she was a "lady" who could be just as dirty as a sailor. Consider the verse above again.  How does it compare to your current style of speech? What do you need to change? 
 

7. Forgive as God forgives. What can draw people to Christ is if we act like Him, especially if we can forgive those who hurt us as He forgave. If a relationship features people holding grudges and being bitter, it is one which doesn't care about what Christ did. Instead, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Eph 4:32) The motivation to act like that will not come from what others have done, but rather for what God has done for us. We were enemies of God, yet He chose to love us, not hate us. We deserve no forgiveness, but have it. We should incorporate this type of forgiveness into our relationships. 
 

8. Give of yourself. This is actually from Ephesians 5:1. "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children;  and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." Christian means Christ-like. If we are to be true Christians, we must sacrifice personally out of love. There is no greater example than that of Jesus and the cross. Are you willing to sacrifice everything for your relationships, in order to show love and glorify God? Sacrifice your ego, your pride; the hurt you might sometimes feel? Sacrifice as God has sacrificed gives great glory to God, encourages others, and pleases Him.