Samson's undoing.

Solomon was the wisest man ever, and yet he failed. Samson was strong beyond what we can ever be, and yet he failed. The common denominator was those that they let close to their hearts. Judges 14 records the beginning of Samson's fall. Ol' Sammy saw a hottie and told his parents to get her for him, and they replied, "“Is there no woman... all our people, that you go to take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?” 

But Samson said to his father, “Get her for me, for she looks good to me.”

"Looks good to me," is like, "if it feels good, do it," or, "if it makes you happy, go for it." Let's not make the mistake that Samson and Solomon made. Let's aim for holiness first, and God's strength. The wisest man and the strongest man will both fall if they reject God's plan. 

Respect in relationships.

I once dated a Christian who said she didn't respect me because I'd never be like a certain evangelist who, to this day, is one of the best men either of us have ever been blessed enough to know. Was this a relationship I should have pursued and stayed in?

No. God tells us, "Each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33).

If a relationship lacks respect, it's not one to be in. Move on and find someone where both parties are edified and bring glory to God.

"See the young man sittin' in the old man's bar, waitin' for his turn to die."

"See the young man sittin' in the old man's bar, waitin' for his turn to die." That's a line from the Goo Goo Dolls' song, "Broadway," and I think it's ultimately tragic, because it's ultimately true. Millions and millions are living their lives with just one ultimate goal: death, decay; dust. It is sadly true when God says,

"For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten. Their love and their hate and their envy have already perished, and forever they have no more share in all that is done under the sun." (Eccl 9:5-6)

As Christians, we need to see the plight of those who, though they are sad for the moment in grief over a lost loved one, or happy drinking and partying with friends, are really simply waiting for their turn to die. We need to get out of our comfort zones and show them the spiritual reality behind this physical facade because, "the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." (1 Cor 1:18)

Who should Christians marry?

-----------A Variety of Options-----------

For THEIR work:  As I've grown as a young Christian man, the joy has been great, but there has also been a mix of creeping horror and sadness growing inside me. When I was less like Christ, who I dated didn't matter to me—atheist, lukewarm, whatever.  All I cared about was how much spark there was. And now that I want to date a Christian, I see that many are taken by non-Christians, as I used to be, and it is scary.

God says, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for THEIR labor." (Eccl 4:9)  Notice that this is a mutual labor toward a common goal—both working for God. When we pick non-Christian mates, Satan knows that Ecclesiastes 4:9 is no longer such a threat to him. Don't pick a non-Christian mate and deprive another Christian of the blessing that you are in Christ. Don't let Satan fracture the church at our most intimate level. 

Marriage most closely resembles the relationship between Christ and the church. Let your marriage here be resemble that, too. Pick a Christian. 




Things that settle drift to the bottom: I used to be happy dating non-Christians because God says, "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17) Iron which is sharpened is having itself changed at a fundamental level, and I was a Christian with bad habits that I didn't want to give up. Picking people of the world, I knew that I didn't have to worry about being sharpened and changed.

Pick solid, Christian partners, and embrace the change that we make in one another. Let yourself be sharpened, the rust of the world shaved off. Become a better weapon for Christ in the fight against Satan.

(Things that settle tend to slowly drift downward toward the bottom. Don't settle for anything less than excelling still more.)

Satan’s offer that you can refuse: Satan offers us boyfriends and girlfriends that fulfill all of our fleshly desires.  I once knew this girl who meant the world to me; my heart beat faster every time we talked, and I wanted nothing more than to feel the comfort of holding her in my arms. She wanted to marry me, too.  I studied the Bible with her for three years, and she never believed.  I always said no to dating her, and it was always painful.

I knew that this girl would make me happy—Satan knew that, too. But she would not make me happy and holy. We would never build the Kingdom together, and I'd not get to spend eternity with her. I said no to something which would make me happy, but hobble me spiritually, because God promises,

"House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD." (Pro 19:14) Satan offers us something eternally and infinitely inferior to what God can give. Will you wait and trust God, or go for Satan's tempting offer? 

What’s more beneficial? God challenges the church not to simply ask, "Is it okay?" but instead to ask, "Is it beneficial?" (1 Cor. 10:23). What is more beneficial to His Kingdom and the souls that are lost in need of saving: marrying a Christian, and giving him or her the benefit of all that you have to offer in Christ, or marrying a non-Christian, and having your talent wasted?

What is more beneficial: a spouse who will help you raise your children to believe in God, or one who won't? One who will bring people into your home and study the Bible with them, or one who won't? The knowledge that you'll spend eternity together, or knowing that one of you will forever be with Satan?

-----------New Testament Instruction-----------

It’s about marriage and more: 2 Cor 6:14 says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." Some will say, "God doesn't care about who you marry, because this doesn't say, 'don't marry unbelievers!'"  It's true that it doesn't say "marry," but that's because it's broader and more inclusive. Being yoked can happen emotionally before we know it—look at all the unmarried, live-in Christians. It includes marriage and more, and can be read as:

-Do not enter into inconsistent relations with those who reject the faith

-Avoid unsuitable connections with unbelievers

-Stop forming intimate and inconsistent relations with non-Christians

It's not about only marriage; it's about marriage and more.

But I love this person: As Christians, we're totally down with a lot of what God says.  "Don't murder, yep, I avoid that pretty well!" Other things, though, we try to ignore. One of them is 2 Cor 6, which says, "DO NOT be unequally yoked with unbelievers...what fellowship has light with darkness?"

We look at the non-Christian that we're falling for and say, "But I love this person," while ignoring God saying, "Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals." (1 Cor 15:33) Can you imagine Christ being bound to Satan? We have Christ in us, so why would we make that choice? Don't let your feelings overpower your love of God. Binding yourself to a non-Christian doesn't show love, it shows a disregard for God, and a casual disregard for that person's eternity.

Spend your time making new Christians and put the romantic feelings on the back burner. It'll let you experience true romance with someone in Christ in the future.

Take all the couples: Take all the Christian couples you know, and imagine life if only one from each couple were a Christian. What would the church look like?  God sent the animals into the ark two-by-two, male and female (Gen 7:9).  Jesus sent out the first disciples in twos (Mark 6:7).  

Satan offers us non-Christians so that we will never be "two-by-two." He is a master at dividing and conquering. Don't let him, because it's an offer you CAN refuse.

Don’t! "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers," covers a lot more ground than just marriage. Consider some other ‘do not' passages found in the New Testament:

Matt 4:7 - Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'

Matt 6:2 - "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets..."

Rom 6:11-13 - "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness..."

Let's answer a few questions. Is it OK to put the Lord to the test? Is it OK to announce our giving with trumpets? Is it OK to let sin reign in our mortal body? The unequivocal answer to all of these questions is a resounding NO! Why then would we believe it is OK to be unequally yoked to an unbeliever? It is not. We do ourselves a grave disservice when we kick against the goads, when we contravene a direct command of the scriptures. And in doing so, we harm ourselves and those around us.

Do you agree? In 1 Cor 6:14, Paul gives the example of a believer having sexual relations with a prostitute. The resulting union joins Christ to a prostitute. Likewise, the joining of a Christian and a non-Christian joins Christ to an unbeliever.

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be!"

God says, "May it never be!" Do you agree with Him?

Run the race. Hebrews 12:1 says, "let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."

Christianity is a race, and we are blessed with the opportunity to run it with a partner. It's very important to pick it with a partner that's running toward the same finish line. If we choose a partner who is not Christian, we ignore God who said in Eph 5:7, "Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord." 

Pick your partner in this race wisely, that you may be united in Christ, and that there "be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment." (1 Cor 1:10)

But what if… Since God says for Christians to stay married to non-Christians (1 Cor 7:12-16), does that mean He doesn't mind if we marry them?*  As it turns out, that section of 1 Cor 7 is fundamentally unable, by itself, to answer the above question. Why?

-The QUESTION addresses an unmarried Christian who is single and has the option to marry; 

-Whereas 1 Cor 7:12-16 discusses the recently-converted Christian whose spouse has not yet obeyed God, in which case God says, "Wait, don't divorce and remarry. You believed, so give your spouse a reason to believe, too, and try and win them. They may soon follow you to Christ!" 

*Note: If the non-Christians leaves, we're told to move on since we're, "not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace."

Be holy! Over and over in the New Testament, we are enjoined to "be holy."  Holiness in this context means separation from the world. We have a different standard that governs all of our relationships, but especially that of marriage. Consider Paul's direction to widows:

"A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." (1 Cor 7:39)

This is neither encouragement nor suggestion, but an easily understood command. "...he must belong to the Lord."  Disciples marry disciples. Also, since the purpose of dating is to find a lifelong soul mate (it shouldn't be just to avoid boredom or have a face to suck on), it only follows that Christians date Christians only.

This right we have. "Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?" (1 Cor 9:5)

Who did God give Paul and others the right to marry—other believers. Can you imagine an apostle preaching great messages, and then going to a pagan celebration and picking a pagan wife? How about us? What if I taught at family camp, and then went to a bar and picked up a hot bartender(ess?)? As God says, "May it never be!"

-----------Spiritually Destroying Families and Children-----------

A shared goal. Why would you want to date someone where it could lead to marriage—the closest human relationship you could ever have, when Jesus, who is closest to you personally, they don’t share with you? If your goal was to travel to New York, would you get on a train going to Chicago? It's much the same with dating: why get on a relationship not traveling toward God?

God said believers would be divided from those who didn't even in families, and it is the same for romance: "For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Mt 10:35-37)

Helping your children. Where do you want your kids to end up? This is an incredibly important aspect in dating, which leads to marriage. In Mark 9, God says that if we cause little children to stumble in their belief, that it would be better for us to be drowned in the ocean. With that in mind, what do you think that picking a spouse who does believe in God does to a kid? Consider these government statistics:

-If the mother is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 17% probability that everyone in the household will follow.

-If the father is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 93% probability that everyone in the household will follow.

Would you want your boyfriend of girlfriend to cause a child who believes to stumble? How much less so your spouse?

Some other stats:

If mother and father attend assembly/"church" regularly:

33% of their children will end up attending church regularly

25% of their children will end up not attending at all

If mother attends church regularly. Father does not attend church at all:

2% of their children will end up attending church regularly

60% of their children will end up not attending at all

If father attends church regularly. Mother does not attend church at all:

44% of their children will end up attending church regularly

34% of their children will end up not attending at all

Don’t cause people to stumble! We're told not to make little kids or those new in Christ stumble. We're also told to not be partnered with unbelievers. That's easy to understand. Consider the following:

-If a little kid sees me preaching on Sunday, but drunk with friends in a facebook post, could that cause him to stumble?

-If a youngin' sees me as a leader in Christ, but also sees that I've got a girlfriend who isn't a Christian, could that cause him to stumble? What if he sees that I give in to her worldly proclivities and get drunk with her and stuff?

How can we give our children the best shot they can hope for at eternal life?

-----------Understanding the Threat Using the Old Testament-----------

Better than Ezra? Since the Old Testament contains a shadow of the spiritual reality for us today, it provides us a pattern to help us understand marriage between those in Christ and those not; in fact, it is actually pretty direct about marrying unbelievers. Ezra 10 specifically forbids God's people from marrying "foreign wives," and considered it unfaithfulness to God:

"Then Ezra the priest stood up and said to them, "You have been unfaithful; you have married foreign women, adding to Israel's guilt. Now make confession to the LORD, the God of your fathers, and do his will. Separate yourselves from the peoples around you and from your foreign wives."  (v10-11)

Wisdom of Nehemiah.  Among Nehemiah's various reforms, the Israelites set this down as a binding agreement:  "We promise not to give our daughters in marriage to the peoples around us or take their daughters for our sons."  Later in the rebuilding, when Nehemiah became aware of specific cases of intermarriage, he had this to say:

"Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel sinned? Among the many nations there was no king like him. He was loved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel, but even he was led into sin by foreign women. Must we hear now that you too are doing all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women?"  (Nehemiah 13:23-27)

God considered it unfaithfulness and wickedness to take those who were not part of His people as spouses. Would it be wise to do it today? Would it be beneficial to the Kingdom?

God has always been serious. Numbers 25 tells us that Israel caused great damage by taking on companions who weren't of God. In part it says, 

"The Lord was angry against Israel. The Lord said to Moses, “Take all the leaders of the people and execute them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the fierce anger of the Lord may turn away from Israel.”  So Moses said to the judges of Israel, “Each of you slay his men who have joined themselves to Baal of Peor.”

In the end, 24,000 of God's people died for partnering with unbelievers. This issue can destroy the church in one generation, yet it is socially acceptable and goes unnoticed.  Do you understand why God has always treated it seriously?

Close to our hearts. Satan wants to be as close to our heart as he can, so that he can corrupt it so it.  What is closer to your heart than your romantic partner? And that's why  the general tone of scripture from Genesis to Revelation has been against those of God marrying or otherwise partnering with those not of Him (OT examples: Genesis 6:2; 24:3; 26:34-35; 28:1; Exodus 34:11-16; Deuteronomy 7:1-5; Judges 14:1-3; 1 Kings 11, etc.).

Physical Israel had a pattern of taking non-believers as companions and, afterward, suffering death, exile, and destruction. Even Solomon, the wisest of men, was led astray and fell due to picking spouses not of God. Don't make that mistake.

-----------Will You Be Wise Or Foolish?-----------

The Kingdom Proton. In the sermon on the mount, Jesus admonished his disciples to put the kingdom of Christ “first” (proton) in their lives. The adverb suggests that the interests of the Lord should be “above all” else. Can anyone honestly contend that the child of God who unites himself with the unbeliever in the most intimate of all human relationships is granting the reign of Christ the most exalted place in his or her life?

If you are still blessed enough to have the option to get out of a dating relationship with a non-Christian, would you take it? What would please God? What puts the Kingdom first? And lastly, don't you have enough faith to trust that He will give you a companion who makes you just as happy as your non-Christian one, but with great spiritual blessings? If you aren't married yet, find yourself a person who will bring you closer to God, who will help you please God.

Jesus said, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." There is so much work to be done. Pray for a helper in it, just like Jesus did.

As for me and my house. In Joshua 24:15 there is a beautiful message:

"And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served [in other places]...But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”

Imagine how much less powerful that verse would be if it said, "But as for me, and....no one else in my house, I am the only one will serve the Lord." So many Christian families these days cannot say that their house will serve the Lord, and it's very often a deliberate choice they make to marry those who will not, which later on ends up with kids who do not believe.  Choose to build the strongest family you can!

Emotions over all?  Being in love is an insane feeling—your heart is head-over-heels for someone. But God warns, ""Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) Have you ever met that non-Christian that you just fall for—he or she is just ALL that, emotionally, physically...not a Christian, but EVERYTHING else is perfect?

I have. I don't think there is ANY greater temptation. To me, that person has SO MUCH potential! I want to start the relationship NOW so that I don't miss any time feeling that love. But God tells me not to, and it isn't a big shocker that Satan wants us to fall for those who SEEM like they can be the best ever to us, "and no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light." (2 Cor 11:14)

Work ceaselessly to make those who aren't in Christ a part of the Kingdom, but don't be tricked by your emotions. Guard your heart (emotions). Give if to other Christians, not to someone who you hope will maybe, one day, become one.

Getting out of a relationship. Sometimes Christians recognize that they're in spiritually poisonous relationships, and they think "I need to get out!" But often, it drags out over months with lots of tears and confusion. They've become emotionally attached, so it's hard to leave. They get guilt-tripped to stay. Let's look at how Jesus handled a poisonous relationship with Judas:

"As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him, "What you are about to do, do quickly." (John 13:27)

Jesus saw that the relationship would not improve, so He pushed to have it end quickly. We should do the same. Like setting a broken bone, it shouldn't be dragged out over months, but rather done quickly and decisively. Only then can the healing process begin.

Sleeping around. I need to say something about sleeping around.  Take two pieces of duct tape and press the sticky faces together. Trying to pull them back apart is nearly impossible, and causes damage to the pieces. However, if you take another two pieces of tape and stick them to a chair, the floor, etc., the glued side will soon be covered with junk.  If you press those pieces together, they might stick, but it will be easy to separate them again.

The same thing happens when a person has lots of sex outside of marriage. He makes bonds physically, emotionally, and spiritually with another person, but the relationship doesn’t last and the two are torn apart. The first time is often incredibly painful (lots of tears and bad feelings). This process repeats, maybe with a "rebound." They break up. The pain is there, but it is not as bad as the first time. With each succeeding relationship, the bond becomes weaker and weaker. When the person  finally doe does attempt to bond in marriage, there is so much baggage—so much junk—that it's difficult for the relationship to stick, but easy for the two partners to be torn apart.

Ideally, a man or a woman should only bond with his or her spouse. God expressed it like this: "Drink water from your own cistern and fresh water from your own well...Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love." (Proverbs 5:15-19)

Your friends make a difference.

Your friends really do make a difference.  "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." (Pro 13:20)

I used to work 911 and was assigned the weekend shift to deal with the wild nights at the bars. It was very easy to witness the harm that people shared among themselves, from lasting sexual diseases to death. Some things don't change, but you can change who your friends are, and what habits you have. 

If you can't forgive or forget, pick one.

Are you good at record keeping? Have you ever had a falling out with someone? Maybe it was ages ago, but you still don't talk? Maybe it was SUPER-SERIOUS FACEBOOK OFFICIAL and you even blocked them for whatever reason and thought, "Aha, me and Mark Zuckerberg will teach 'em!?" 

God said love "keeps no record of wrongs." When will you tear up that record and start fresh? After all, the second greatest command is to, "love your neighbor as yourself.’" (1 Cor 13 & Mark 12)  

Food for relationships.

 Starving to death has to be one of the worst ways to die. In relationships, starvation can also occur, and often because our relationships aren't being fed. That's why "Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work." (John 4:34)

Are you and your romantic partner eating?    Do you wake up every day and say, "The Lord has made this day for me, and I need to be about His business?" I love Paul's approach in Acts 22:10 where he said, "‘What shall I do, Lord?"  That's a great way to keep feeding any relationship! :)

When you just can't stand someone.

"Man, that stinking witch...well, God requires that I love her, but she should have her sins exposed and man I'd like to punch her face!  If only everyone else knew what I know about her!"—an internal thought from a Christian.

"Oh yeah, well you don't really serve Christ; it's all for show with you [censored], go to HELL!"—a Christian phone call gone nasty.

"Whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness.”—Romans 13:14; God.

The above are a symptom of sickness in the lives of Christians; the symptom of a deadly disease which carries with it a host of other maladies. It is called "bitterness," expressed in Greek as being "pikros," meaning that the entire thing is cutting, sharp.  Have you ever seen that sort of response from a Christian in a relationship? Calculated, incisive, meant to cause damage...here is something better to consider:

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice."—Eph 4:31 

Settling differences.

Ever had a brother or sister in Christ who you just KNOW ain't livin' up to expectations? Time to give 'em an earful! Especially if it's affronted you!

Galatians 6:1 says, "Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted."

Our goal must not be punishment, but restoration, and not with the fierce wrath of a volcano, but rather in gentleness. I lack this, but I'm getting better daily. One last thing: that brother or sister out indulging in the world...is caught in something very, very addictive. Be very careful lest you get caught up in the same sin. 

Don't be demoralizing.

Have you ever had a brother or sister in Christ make you feel worthless?  In 2 Samuel, David became depressed, and his attitude hurt others. General Joab saw the damage he was doing and told David,

"You have today covered with shame the faces of all your servants.... For you have made it clear today that commanders and servants are nothing to you!  Now therefore arise, go out and speak kindly to your servants, for I swear by the Lord, if you do not go, not a man will stay with you this night, and this will be worse for you than all the evil that has come upon you from your youth until now.”

David hurt others just by being demoralized. Being actively negative is far, far worse to our brothers and sisters. Look for every reason to encourage, even when you're at your most discouraged. 

How are you in relationships?

How are you in relationships?  Romans 12:12 says,  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affection; faithful in prayer." 

The best romantic Christian relationships can be characterized by the above. Instead of being fed up with slight imperfections, we can have joy in hope for growth.  Instead of being pushy, we can be patient with our affection as both partners grow.  And strikingly important, we can learn to always be faithfully praying with our partners. 

That's a beautiful thing, and something I'm learning to do. 

How to Prevent a Tsunami of Bitterness or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love.

BQ:  What should you do if you feel yourself becoming upset with someone? Proverbs 17:14 says, "The beginning of strife is like releasing water;  Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts."

Don't even let that floodgate open. Once it does, the angry words that surge out erode the walls of a good relationship, leaving lasting scars. When I feel like I'm being hurt, I go to Luke 6:28, which says, "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." When I'm praying for the good of someone, I find that I can't get angry. If possible, I try to have them pray with me.

BQ: Have you ever had a brother or sister in Christ that you couldn't stand? That feeling isn't good, but it is a blessing because it's like a klaxon going off to warn you that your spiritual health is damaged. 1 John 2:11 explains, "But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes."

While an unkindness may cause you to feel anger in response, God tells us, "Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath." (Eph 4:26) Don't let a feeling of quick anger be anything more than that. Put a damper on it immediately, and focus on walking in the light with whoever has hurt you, so that you don't end up by yourself in the darkness.

BQ: Have you ever called someone a bad name? Told them to go to hell? The second we let that bitterness toward a person exist, God isn't even interested in us trying to follow Him in other ways—not until we fix the flaw of inner hatred.. Instead, he tells us,

"Whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." (Mt 5:22-24) 

If you have a brother or sister that you're not reconciled with, don't let it ride. Give your best effort to love them. Suck up your pride and be kind. You might not win your brother, but you will have tried your hardest, and you will be able to say that Romans 12:18 applies to you. "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men."

Maintaining Strong Bonds: How to Stop Satan from Dividing and Conquering

Maintaining Bonds

Philippians 2:1-7

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.

BQ:  Would you kill your family members off one by one because of small differences? As a Christian family, we must never let the world drive us apart. We cannot let petty differences divide us. We must NEVER become embittered against a brother or sister in Christ, because,  “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and a divided household falls." (Mt 12:25)

Instead, at all times we must be "eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." (Eph 4:3)   Jesus said, "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:35) Instead of looking for a reason to abandon your family, find a reason to cling to them. 

BQ:  Christians need to maintain relationships, because we're an army and a family.  Phil 2:1-2 says, "Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose."  How can you do that? How can you always be of the same mind or someone that perhaps you have little fondness for?

The easiest way is to realize that we all have the same commission from Jesus and the same purpose: to go and baptize people and teach them all that He commanded. That person you don't get along with because his sense of humor is weird? He is your battle buddy, and might save your skin one day. 

Apply this to romantic relationships, too. Realize that you MUST have the same mind and purpose, or you will never have complete joy, unity or spirit, encouragement of Christ, affection, compassion, or consolation of love.

BQ: Do you ever see a sister or brother in Christ and not feel like they're really someone you want to fellowship with? God says in Phil 2,  "if there is any fellowship of the Spirit...Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves."  That person that is a little rough around the edges, maybe, don't regard as not good enough yet, but rather as more important than yourself.  Do everything to serve them and help them grow. 

If you're married or going to be married, realize the same thing. You have to regard your spouse or future spouse as more important, and be willing to go the extra mile, serving them and showing sacrificial love. It's a lot easier when you both have the same focus and goal: serving Christ.  If that's true, you'll never feel conflict in being a servant, but rather joy in being a part of an effective team.

BQ: As Christians, we can't let Satan divide us. We MUST remain united. Often we take offense over the coarse actions of a brother or sister or spouse, but we need to take a step back and realize that stumbling does not mean that we have to fall. Philippians 2 says that if we want to be united in spirit, we must, "not merely look out for [our] own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."  
 

Did your spiritual family member hurt your feelings? Don't be bitter. Instead, talk to them and show them how you can look out for his or her interest. Do something kind. Show your love and grace not through mere words, but with actions. It'll reveal the character of Christ, which can do more than anything else to change a person. 

BQ: Philippians 2 tells us that, in order to remain united in spirit, romantically or not, we must, "have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus: who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,  but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant.

Stick together with those who have the same goals as you. Empty yourself of selfishness and be willing to take on the attitude of a servant. It's one of the hardest things for us to do, and because of that, being a servant is one of the most memorable things, and the most inspiring to others. Lastly, don't think of servants as just those who clean up counters and do dishes. Soldiers serve their country, and are thus servants.  Be a solider in a great army, and never let anyone divide you to wreck your ability to serve God. 

Too Hard to Find a Christian?

I recently saw a preacher say that it's ok for Christians to marry non-Christians because, "It is very difficult to find a Christian, and God sanctifies the marriage, and wants you happy."  

It stuck me that something is wrong if we think it's "too hard to find a Christian." It's like saying, "look, Satan has a fine selection, and looking for something God offers takes too long and is tedious and might never happen.  Let Satan make you happy!" 





BQ: When you're surrounded by the world, it can be really tempting to date and/or marry the world, too. Much like a man of God living in Canaan, there can seem to be little in the way of Godly options. But Abraham was in that position, and when talking to a manager of his house, he put forth a good example for us, saying,

"I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."  (Genesis 24:2-4)

It is far better to spend time looking for a truly good helper for Christ, and to go great lengths to find him or her, than to settle for a knockoff that Satan puts out, even if the knockoffs outnumber the genuine 1,000,000 to 1.






BQ: Christians often put no emphasis on marrying/courting those who share the same faith, and at times it is pretty discouraging to me.  God describes the lost saying, "their flesh will rot while they stand on their feet, and their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongue will rot in their mouth." (Zech 14:12)

As Christians, we need, "put off [the] old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires," and joining ourselves to dead men walking doesn't accomplish that very well, but instead leads us back to the world.

Instead or dating spiritual zombies, we need to be saving them. Having a strong Christian helper is of incredible value, and that's why Genesis 2:18 says, "And Jehovah says, ' It is not good for the man to be alone, so I make for him a helper — as his counterpart.'"  Find your counterpart and heal the sick, but don't become one with them.







BQ: Lots of Christians are content giving their emotions to those who are spiritually dead, and it weakens their ability to be effective for Christ.  Beyond that, in marriage it leaves their children with mixed leadership. The non-Christian spouse leads toward Satan and being trapped by the world, while the other spouse leads toward God.

In Nehemiah 13:27, God said of His people marrying those who were not, "Must we hear now that you too are doing all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women?" 

God doesn't do this to restrict us, but rather to protect our spirits from life-ruining decisions.  Our effectiveness and happiness can be forever compromised if we take a partner that Satan happily hands us, rather than one who will be an effective teammate. Be effective, be faithful. :)






BQ: The truth is that there are a lot of zombies out there, and we need to avoid being unequally yoked with them. I don't know how to handle it exactly as well as I'd like, but I do refuse to give my emotional core to a person (fall in love with) someone who needs my spiritual help.

Instead, I put their eternity first and follow the advice of Matthew 28:19, which instructs us to, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."  In a world where most Christian ladies are taken, making new Christians isn't a bad deal, but putting "romance" before eternal life is just about the worst choice one can make.

Don't be unequally yoked. If push comes to shove, devote yourself to making a living stone which will be a great counterpart in your work for the Lord, and then do the yoking. Not before. :)

 

Hurt for trying to help?

BQ: Sometimes, people who are spiritually sick will even lash out at you and hurt you when you want to help. If you've seen a trapped, injured animal, this is common when you're trying only to release them from something which is killing them. Do you give up and let Satan take all the way over?

Luke 11:5-8 has a take on a situation in a different light, but the concept is sound. A man goes to someone's house at midnight to ask for a meal for a traveler, and the following happens:

‘Do not bother me; the door has already been shut and my children and I are in bed; I cannot get up and give you anything.’ I tell you, even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs."

Without persistence, nothing good will be accomplished.  If you want to free someone, you need to never give up. 






BQ: I mentioned that people suffering from sin will also lash out when you try to help them. God knows this, and that's why he describes those as suffering from sin as in 2 Pet 2:20-22,

"For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world by the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and are overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. For it would be better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn away from the holy commandment handed on to them.  It has happened to them according to the true proverb, “A dog returns to its own vomit.”

And in verse 12, He wrote, "But these, like unreasoning animals, born as creatures of instinct to be captured and killed..."

When we're enslaved to sin, we can be like unreasoning animals, lashing out at those who help. But in sin, we indulge the flesh, fornicating, drinking in great excess, and never stopping, much as animals do. 






BQ: We saw that in helping free someone from sin, we can accomplish nothing if we decide that, well, we have to give up. 

In Deut 31:6, God said, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

When people you're trying to help hurt you for your efforts, don't be afraid of them, and don't get caught up in the cruelty. But at the same time, God refuses to leave and forsake us, so do not totally write the injured off. 





BQ: When you try to help someone who is spiritually ailing, it's not always sugar and spice and everything nice. Sometimes a person will instead turn on you and tear you down.  

Is this anything new?

No. Jesus came and was perfect, the embodiment of love. For that, He was crucified. We, too, have to expect backlash every now and then, and like Jesus, even from people who at first profess their love for us. 

What do you do if that happens?

A good example is from Acts 16 with Paul and Silas. A crowd of those Paul and Silas wanted to help instead rose up against them, and they were beaten and thrown in prison. Sometimes, when a friend hurts you, you'll feel like this emotionally. I love the response from both Paul and Silas, though, who after this happened, "were praying and singing hymns of praise to God." (Acts 16:25)

When you've been hurt, giving some praise to God with a brother or sister, studying the Bible, and dwelling on Him really help. It always helps me.  I am blessed to know many who build me up when I'm down. Having a spiritual support network is better than anything the world could ever offer. 




BQ: When helping a friend out of sin, it can hurt that individual. They can feel bashed or embarrassed.  Do not say, "You bad person, you! You're a liar and nothing but," but rather, "You're a great person who needs help fixing this issue. Let's work on it together."

The writer of Hebrews came down pretty hard on the audience of the letter for their flaws, but in Hebrews 6:9 said, "But, beloved, we are convinced of better things concerning you, and things that accompany salvation, though we are speaking in this way." 

We have to make it clear that, though we are speaking in this way, that we are convinced of the excellence within them.

As soon as Zion travailed, she brought forth her sons.

With thanks to Rio and Miriam, about something that has been on my mind.

I have personally watched Christian friends slip into the world, committing both spiritual suicide with themselves, and spiritual murder with the things they did with others, and encouraged others to do. And those times have been the most painful of my life, bar none.  And those times have been the most painful of my life, bar none. A lot of that pain comes from the pain of knowing what I've been, and the damage I've caused in the past.

Even if you don't personally like the person that much, the pain is devastating, because there is nothing you can do.  You cannot be the conscience for someone who wants his or her conscience to be seared.  Often, these people will apply a veneer of godliness, so that they can look at their fake reality and call it real, but the poison runs deep and is killing them.

What do you do? Do you delete such a person from your life? Do you utterly abandon them?  

I have often done that. I don't think it's right. It was my selfish way of protecting myself from pain. I once encouraged my mother and sister to abandon someone who caused them great pain and tears. They refused.  Instead of letting the person simply get off easy, they were loving but also truthful.  Their efforts were met seemingly forever with rejection and cruelty.

And yet God says, "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!" (Psalms 126:5)

Who wants to sow a field with such effort that it causes them to cry? Isn't it easier to just abandon that plot and more on to easier territory? 

My sister and mom didn't. They sowed in tears. Eventually, the person they loved changed. Hard times came. Rock bottom was hit. This person was abandoned. And suddenly, the person realized that through everything she had done, despite the evil of it, two people were still compassionate. Compassionate despite the way they'd been treated. And indeed, none of the person's actions had been more than passing pleasure.  And in the end, my mother and sister reaped with joyful shouting.

Compare that with two of my own examples. Both times, I saw someone reverting back to their old friends and old ways, including drinking. Both times, I said, "That hurts me and is repulsive behavior. You're otta' my life."  And both these people, now, are fully surrounded by the world, molded into it as a part of it, horrifically deep.  Attempts by me now to say, "Hey, I care about you," have no weight behind them. Because I gave up. Instead of being loving but correcting, I threw away anything, including hope, no matter how small.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 says, "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." 

Are you like that? If you persist in love, will you not remain green? Are you afraid of the pain, and willing to wilt away from hope and caring? There is only one way to bear fruit, and it is through persistence. 

Sometimes, however, when you are persistent, people will reject you. It happens. As my friend Rio once told me as a wake-up call, and this is paraphrased "Sometimes nothing you do can reach people, and you'll be consumed."  You have to know when that point is, but you can also make the conscious decision to not simply and utterly reject them.

The truth with the person struggling is that we do not know if they will be overcome, or shall overcome.  We cannot make the call with their struggles, or with their future.  We cannot condemn their hearts, but can see their difficulties. 

And more importantly, sometimes people have to hit utter rock bottom. They have to be at the lowest, where the sun does not shine, before they decide they don't want to be in the pit. 

God tells us that a struggle is present, and that it shall not come without weeping. For our struggles, for our help, and for the struggles of others, it is often true that much pain must be endured before we conquer. 

In Isaiah 66:8, God confirms this and says, "Who has heard such a thing? Who has seen such things? Can a land be born in one day? Can a nation be brought forth all at once? As soon as Zion travailed, she also brought forth her sons."

New birth does not come without pain and persistence, but we have to maintain the hope of beautiful things to come. We must have the attitude that we would, "could wish that I myself were accursed, separated from Christ for the sake of my brethren, my kinsmen according to the flesh." (Romans 9:3)

And if you're sad, hurt, and damaged, remember, "Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD." (Proverbs 16:20)  When you're feeling darkest and down in the dumps, dwell even stronger in the Word.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

It's Hard to Forgive!

It's Hard to Forgive!

Do you find it difficult to forgive others who have hurt you?

This is no simple question. Sure, if someone does something unintentionally, or is apologetic... It's pretty easy to forgive them.

What if they hurt you purposefully, callously, and could not care less if you've been deeply wounded by their words and actions?

Should we wait for an apology that may never come?

Many of us are familiar with the verses like this one:

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15
(see also Mark 11:25, Col 3:13)

We know that for God to forgive us, me must be forgiving of others. Sounds simple, right? So what is it that holds us back, that makes it so gut wrenchingly hard sometimes to just let go of the infractions we tightly grasp in our fists and hold over the head of the offender?

For that we must look at our own hearts. What are we storing up? Anger and bitterness, or joy and compassion?

"The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45

If we store up anger and resentment, it will show up in all parts of our life-- creating new victims, and continuing the cycle of hurt. BUT, what if we do this instead:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." Proverbs 3:5-8

Oh what joy it will be to find that HEALING! The kind of healing that penetrates beyond the surface and into our very bones!

We may never understand why that person did what they did! They may never offer a meaningful apology, if they offer one at all. But does it matter whether or not the offender deserves our forgiveness? Does it matter if they appreciate it? It's certainly a nice thought and a great hope. And perhaps our attitude of forgiveness can prick their heart and start them on the path that leads to redemption. (That's not to say that we should allow ourselves to be hurt again-- some situations require that we keep a distance for safety sake.)

But when it comes to forgiving those who have hurt us, we must first remember that God tells us it is vital. After all, we have a Savior who ***gave His very life*** so we ourselves could have forgiveness-- and He did this for everyone, when no one deserved it, whether they loved Him or not. God wants us to extend that same love to others.

It may take time, and it won't be easy, but we must work to empty our hearts of dark thoughts and allow them to be refreshed by the healing power of God's ways.

Need a good place to start renewing your thoughts? Here is some wisdom from Phillipians 4:8-- "...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

And Col 3:12-13--
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."


One more thought-- forgiveness is a topic with many sides and faces. For those dealing with difficult people on a daily basis-- I pray for you. It is a hard journey to have to forgive the same hurts over and over, with no relief in sight.

"Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?"

Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21-22

Wow. That's hard. Almost seems impossible, but remember: "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Phil 4:13

Keep fighting the good fight and be a light for the sake of Christ-- and when you are weak, when you fail, have mercy on yourself. Pray for strength and try, try again.

7 Ways to Destroy a Marriage

1.) Stop communicating. 

Ephesians 5:23-30 says,

"For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body....Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her...So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;  for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body."

In life, our bodies constantly communicate with our heads, and vice versa. What happens if suddenly that communication stops? Usually paralysis, and if it's bad enough, death. Communication both ways is needed for the the organism to survive, and in marriage we are considered "one flesh" and thus one organism.  If you want to kill any relationship, stop communicating. It'll be dead before you know it.








2.) Confide in a friend of the opposite sex. 

What routinely kills marriages is one partner developing strong emotional bonds with someone of the opposite sex. This is true of any romantic relationship. If you need emotional support, go to your spouse. Your spouse must be your best friend. 1 Cor 13:4 reminds us that, "love does not envy," and if you're making your spouse jealous for the bond he/she wants to have with you, you're introducing something which is certainly not love. 

If you let someone else take the place of your partner emotionally, sexually, or physically, you're making a choice to tear down everything that you've built.









3.) Demean or insult your spouse.

Eph 5:29 points out that in a marriage, "no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church." If you are belittling your spouse instead of encouraging him/her, there's no nourishment going on. The relationship will grow as well as a plant watered with paint thinner, because insults and belittling statements cause envy and are utterly toxic. 

It's worth noting that comparing your spouse or romantic interest negatively to someone else is the absolute most deadly thing to do. "Well Jerry is more manly," or, "Jessica's a lot more feminine" shows that not only do you not appreciate the one you claim to love, but that you're thinking about someone else, too...and viewing them as a more desirable mate.








4.) Stop having sex.

Sex is a great thing which God has provided, and is an intimate thing between only you and your spouse. It is a bond that has been committed to with words, and, at a physiological level, even with chemicals. It you stop seeing it as important, your relationship will almost certainly head downhill, unless there is mutual apathy, in which case it's already in trouble. Look at the importance that God places on it in 1 Cor 7:3-5,

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

If you stop making love, you give Satan another avenue to tempt and try to destroy a marriage.







5.) Start keeping secrets.

I once saw a post that discussed relationships which were budding, and it said:

 “The Detective Rule”. "The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately. Remember your Constant? Do you play detective with them? Do you cyberstalk their Facebook page and question their every intention? No, of course not. So you know the common denominator is external."

God speaks in Job about trust, and there are two types which play out. In Job 11:18, there is trust that is solid, "“Then you would trust, because there is hope; And you would look around and rest securely."  Notice the confidence and ability to rest well and be at peace. On the other hand, if our spouse keeps secrets, we start to have "confidence that is fragile, and trust that is a spider's web."  (Job 8:14)

Don't keep secrets. You'll both be able to sleep easily at night.








6.) Spend lots of time around people who don't like your spouse or loved one.

I have seen this one happen a LOT.  Every time I've seen it, it's been the mother or father (or both) who hate who their child has married or is in love with. This is a recipe for disaster because, as Matthew 6:24 notes, "No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."

Suddenly the spouse will be trying to maintain the relationship with the friends or family who dislike who he/she has married, and in doing so, they have to subtly ally themselves with these individuals.  

If that happens, we need to remember that, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." (Gen 2:24)  A new family has been made, and bitterness from an old family cannot be present. The husband and wife must be one flesh, and must both refuse to allow an emotional war to take place. 








7.) Quit trying.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'" —Mary Radmacher 

If your goal is success, you must keep striving toward it. If neither partner gives up, success will result, but if just one partner gives up, destruction is guaranteed.  "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up...Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD of hosts." ( Gal 6:9 & Zech 4:6)

Responsibilites of a wife.

I'm starting a study on husbands and wives and their responsibilities. I have a few topics that I'm briefly looking at (not really sure how much I'll post here), but here's how I'm going to approach it; for now we're just looking at the wife: 

Wife's responsibilities:

Excellence

Submission

Respect

Companionship

Maintenance of the home environment 

Husband's responsibilities: 

Leadership

Love

Nourishment 

Cherishment (this word was used as late as 1913)

Excellence:
 

BQ: For today, let's start to look at excellence for the wife.  Her responsibility is to bring glory and honor to her family, and if she does her duty well, she will be a crown to her husband. If she fails, she can really cause some damage! Proverbs 12:4 says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." 

Speaking of that, even outside of the marriage, the woman is charged with bringing glory to men, just as men are charged with bringing glory to God. "For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man." (I Corinthians 11:7)

While we'll continue on tomorrow, it's important to realize that good marriages really need the husband to see his wife as an incredible blessing from God, and one of the greatest gifts in his life, constantly amazed that he has even been allowed to marry a woman so great. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord." (Pro 18:22) 

We'll discuss more on this tomorrow. 





BQ: So we're looking at the responsibilities of a wife, and we're digging into why she needs to be excellent. :) Today we'll look at how to define that more by taking a look at what the opposite of it might be.

To see what "not excellent is," let's look at Pro 9:13-18 in part, where Solomon describes the foolish woman. The woman of folly is boisterous,

She is naive and knows nothing.

She sits at the doorway of her house,

On a seat by the high places of the city,

Calling to those who pass by,

Who are making their paths straight:

Obviously this isn't an excellent wife, but rather a very foolish one. Of note to me is that, lacking excellence, she tries to bring others in with her, and that seems to be pretty common for people who aim low. Talk about lacking discretion. And to REALLY talk about lacking discretion, we can go to Proverbs 11:22, which says, As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion."

Looks just don't define an excellent wife. Even if every kiss did begin with Kay, putting one of their rings on a pig wouldn't enhance the pig or make it a better wife.  Likewise, a lady without excellence of character is not going to be enhanced by her physical beauty.





BQ: In defining an excellent woman, we've also looked at what the opposite is. Today we'll see a couple of other quick verses about less-than-awesome wives (and don't worry, these exist for men, too!). 

“It is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (Proverbs 21:9)

“It is better to live in a desert land, than with a contentious and vexing woman.” (Proverbs 21:19)

A contentious person is someone who likes to argue. God designed men to be leaders, and for women to help the men be leaders. Men often rely upon women for support, and that's one reason that woman is "the glory of man." 

The natural differences between the sexes can cause issues if not managed wisely, though. A woman may want to return to a problem passively many times, mulling it over in her mind, when the man may have already put it behind him, thinking that decisions were made and that the issue was dealt with. When not expressed healthily, this can leave the husband thinking that his wife is argumentative or nagging, even if it's not truly the case. Instead of pestering, let the decision play out. Often men realized when they've failed and will learn better by having the freedom to fall flat on their faces.





BQ: Proverbs 31:10-31 describes an excellent woman, so go read it, as I'm not posting it all here. I'd like to note a couple of important passages that we sometimes gloss over. In part they are:

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her;

So he will have no lack of gain."

A great relationship is defined by trust, and it's not simply a stagnant one. Instead, it leads to great gain. 

"She considers a field and buys it;From her profits she plants a vineyard...."

Women are to be good stewards of money. Often women are more inclined to go couponing, and when they've found one good deal, to return even it if they find a better one somewhere else. Men are honestly lazy sometimes. We'll go in, grab it if it doesn't seem like highway robbery, and leave—NEVER returning a purchase or spending hours up hours shopping for better deals. Women really help out their husbands by being great with money and wisely making purchasing decisions. 

"Her husband also, and he praises her”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,

But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

The best definition of a great woman is one who submits to the Lord. In order for a marriage to be truly great, though, the husband needs to make sure he's praising her for all that she is. 

Submission:

BQ: Uh oh...continuing to look at the role of wives, we're coming up to the topic of submission! Sound the alarm! Misogyny! Chauvinism! Sexism! Oh my!  Let's start off with scripture:

"Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.” (Gen 3:16)

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." (Col 3:18)

"But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." (1 Cor 11:3)

Submission complements authority. In order for society to function, we rely on some submission to authority. In the military, I submit to my superiors. However, that does not mean that I can go around breaking laws based off of the requirement that I submit to them. 

The same is true for women and men. The family functions best with the man as the leader, but women are only to submit to them as is fitting in the Lord. If a man wants the wife to do something that God wouldn't do, then that's game over there. But if he is leading her in a Godly direction, it will be naturally fulfilling to submit to that direction, anyway! 





BQ: More on submission. Sometimes people think it's a forced thing, and it's not. We'll look at the negative state of it to pull out a more positive note:

"A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike; 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, And grasps oil with his right hand." (Pro 27:15-16) 

A husband cannot MAKE his wife submit, nor should he try to. Instead, his own Godly example should be appealing. His leadership should make her want to follow him, and he should pick a wife who will want to go where he's going—marching onward to Zion!



Respect:

BQ: Wives need to respect their husbands, and husbands need to love their wives. For an awesome lesson on this by Luke Wilson, listen here: http://www.newcreation.us/podcasts/Marriage-Family-Part05.mp3

 "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Eph 5:33)

Respect is something that we've studied before, and it boils down to valuing something. If you have something that you value highly, you'll think about it often, take care of it, and sing its praises. Imagine owning an Aston Martin (or a...some piece of fine jewelry; I'm not a lady so this is hard for me).  Would you find yourself pointing out its flaws all the time, or treating it like some old beater? Probably not. 

Remember to value and respect your husbands. And listen to that podcast, because Luke says it way better than I can! 



Companionship:

BQ: Wives need to give their husbands companionship. As much as we act tough (and are!), we also have a desire to have a companion. 

In Genesis 2:18-23, God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, and so He created a helper for him. Men are not meant to live lives of isolation, and wives are the solution.

In Titus 2:4-5, older women are told to teach younger women how to "phillio" their husbands, which is a form of love shown between best friends. You'd think that this would come naturally, but apparently sometimes ladies need to be taught this.  "Admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."

In Acts 20:35, we learn that it is "more blessed to give than to receive."  It is not just what you can get out of marriage that's important, but what you put into it. Giving reflects the Christian attitude of service to others. The husband should bring to the relationship his devotion to his wife, and his wife should give him fully the companionship that he needs.

 


Housekeeping:

BQ: In both Titus 2:4-5 and Proverbs 31, we saw that God appointed women as keepers of the house. This makes sense, as men are usually equipped to be our working and providing for the family. This command is sometimes looked at as being pretty demeaning today, but it isn't. In fact, it's something that women are usually better at. Anyway, read Proverbs 31 again. 

Just as the husband is responsible for the incoming funds on which the family operates, the wife is responsible for managing the outflow of those funds. We saw before that the wife is noted as using the money to buy wisely, and now I'd like to point out that she's also compared to a fleet of merchant ships (Proverbs 31:14). God puts a lot of association between the wife and the smart use of finances.  

  “She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness.” (Proverbs 31:27). Wives cook and manage the entire household, (Proverbs 31:15), monitor the finances, (Proverbs 31:18), and make sure that there is extra money to help those in need (Proverbs 31:20). They also make sure that their children are clothed and taught. (Proverbs 31:21-22, 26). 

Lastly, it is noted throughout that the wife has incredible power, as she can set the tone not just for herself, but for the entire household. This is an incredibly weighty assignment, and one that husbands should help in, just as the wives should help the husbands. 

Mini-devotionals on marriage.

Various Thoughts on Marriage

Submitting to a Husband

BQ: In a Bible study I was having with a girl recently (solicited at her request, which made me happy), she mentioned wanting to assemble with the saints, but not wanting to disrespect her husband, as he might not appreciate her doing it. It is true that God tells wives to submit to their husbands (and there is much more that can be said about that in the opposite direction), but should they skip assembly because a husband does not like it?

No. God commands that we submit first to Him in all things. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18)."  Ideally the wife will have married a man who is after God's own heart. Regardless of who she has married, she must submit to God over man. PN372

Spiritual Adultery

BQ: God is described as "jealous" at some points. Why is this?

Jealousy can be a vice (Gal 5:9), but it can also be godly (2 Cor 11:2). Throughout the Bible, God is presented as a compassionate spouse. He becomes full of incredibly sadness when His people leave him. "My heart is turned over within Me, all my compassions are kindled" (Hos 11:8).

When jealousy is used in regards to God, it is associated with people worshiping false gods. God has suffered the pain of his spouse repeatedly cheating, and explains in Eze 6:9, "How I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me, and by their eyes which play the harlot after their idols."  He explains that loving the world instead of Him is adultery. (Jms 4:4)

One interesting reason that God is torn hurt by an adulterous people is because He wants us to come to Him, where there is eternal life. As He says in Jer 2:13, "for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." God wants dearly for us to partake of living waters; it is incredibly painful when we cheat on Him and desiccate our souls. PN374

Apathy in Marriage?

BQ: If one spouse cheated on the other, and the other spouse was indifferent, would it suggest love? Of course not. Apathy doesn't care.

One aspect of God's desire to be in a covenant relationship with His people is that He does care. God's jealousy not only shows that He cares, but is also often longsuffering. His anger is reluctant. "Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? Why will you die, O house of Israel?  For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord God; so turn, and live.” (Eze 18:23;31-32) 

In the book of Amos, as well as many others, God repeatedly attempts to get His people to return to Him, yet the response is so often, "Yet you have not returned to Me." Sometimes people present God's anger as prideful and arrogant, yet we see that He shows great love, vulnerability, and reluctance to give up on anyone. God is the ultimate forgiver.  PN375

Bringing Happiness to a Wife

BQ: Marriages in America so often fail. What interesting command did God give newlywed Israelites, and how does it apply to marriages today?

"When a man has taken a wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5).

God recognized the importance of spouses devoting time to one another and building bonds that would last a lifetime, to the point that soldiers were released from duty to accomplish it. Today newly-married couples often don't devote extra time to their marriages, instead allocating it to the worries of the world just as they had before it was married. This leads to problems down the road. 

It's important to grow spiritually together and to bring each other great happiness. Grow deep roots while there is a chance. :) PN376

Had a Marriage Fail?

  BQ: Have you ever had a marriage fail? Has it made you feel like a failure or like you're not worth much? 

One thing I need to point out: if you've had this happen but you've been putting God first, great things can come of it, and it does NOT mean that you're a failure. God discusses the worst of hardships, and look at what He says:

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written,“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long; We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:31;35-37)

Look at that horrible list, and yet to God, that's a sign of an overwhelming conqueror. Being cheated on by the person you trust most in this physical life is certainly one of the worst tribulations, but it's no reason to think that you're a failure. In fact, it might be a sign that you're an overwhelming conqueror! 

 And to top it all off, "We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God." (Rom 8:28) Sing and be happy, overwhelming conqueror! We're in this together, and with the best ally ever on our side!  PN377

Preparing Children for Marriage

BQ: The rate at which marriages fail in America these days is quite saddening. One reason they fail is inadequate preparation and instruction of one or both of the spouses during their childhoods.  God thought it was important, saying, "The older women likewise...admonish the young women to love their husbands." (Titus 2:3)

This applies to men as well. Inadequately prepared children later on become adults and then fail to succeed in marriage. When two people grow up with parents who fall flat in regards to loving one another, this inadequate preparation tends to flow to the next generation. 

We need to make a concerted effort to educate our children on love. These days most people are too busy working to give much focus on teaching their kids. In Deut 6:6, God indicated that it's best to spend a great deal of time teaching children: "You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." PN378

Marriage and the Actions of Men

BQ: In a marriage, how should a husband treat a wife? Modern society has warped the inherent biologic differences of men and women, to the point that some consider it offensive that one would even say that there are differences at all. It's all about who a person "feels" they are.  Feelings are never a basis for truth, and this attitude can lead to the failure of relationships. 

Why can it lead to failure? When I worked in the oil field, none of our crews had any women on them. Recently, the Marines had to revise rules allowing women to serve, since more than half of the female marines couldn't do three pull-ups. Women and men are biologically different and serve different roles, yet they're both important. 

In regards to the above, God says this, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Pet 3:7) If we really want our relationships to succeed, we need to focus on fulfilling our respective roles, and men need to step up to the plate and be men. A large part of that is showing understand and honor to our wives and realizing how beautiful and valuable they are. Failing to do that damages not only our physical relationships, but our relationship with God. PN379

Loving Your Wife

BQ:  How much should a man love his wife, and how should a wife respond? Let's look at two aspects.

1.) Husbands should love and care for their wives as they do for their own bodies. Wives should respect their loving husbands: 

 "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph 5:28-29;33)"

2.) Beyond even the above, husbands need to love their wives sacrificially, being willing to give even their lives for them: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. (Eph 5:25)"

It's important that a potential husband will take his responsibility to love and care for his wife seriously, and it's important that brides make sure that their potential husband will model their marriage after Christ's relationship with the church.  That sort of love is ultimately respectable. PN380

Look But Don’t Touch?

BQ: My dad has long maintained that it's ok to "look as long as you don't touch," and even has a "three-second rule," where he says when you're taking your wife/girlfriend on a date, it's ok to stare at another woman for three straight seconds if she's attractive. A lot of husbands take this approach. Is it ok?

No, and Jesus clarified, saying, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Mt 5:27-28)

Marital infidelity does not spontaneously spring up physically. A husband doesn't walk down the street and suddenly find himself fornicating. Rather, it begins in the mind through mental conditioning. It's a slippery slope that leads to the physical, so it needs to be put away at all costs. If you play with fire, you'll get burned. (Pro 6:27) And of course the same goes for wives.  PN381

Rash Wedding Vows

BQ: "Until death do us part" has taken on the meaning of, "Until I find someone that tickles my fancy." Lots of people get divorced and then remarry because they "love the new person more."  I've heard one person say that the first woman he married just wasn't his soul mate, but he still considered himself a follower of Christ after divorcing her for someone he 'fell for.' What does God say about making vows?

"It is a snare for a man to devote rashly something as holy, And afterward to reconsider his vows; When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools." (Pro 20:25; Eccl 5:4-5)

God takes the vows we make with incredible seriousness. He considers those in Christ (the church) to be married to Christ.  Imagine if He took the same casual view of marriage and decided to dump us because we weren't interesting enough anymore! 

Marriage is very serious and should be taken that way. Although the world considers divorce a casual standard, we cannot. PN382

Suitable Helpmate

BQ: During creation, God said 7 times, "It is good." One time He said, "It is not good," and that was because man was alone without a companion. What is the companion for man described as?

There's so much meaning in this verse: "Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will for him a suitable helpmate.” (Gen 2:18)

When I think about who I want to marry, I realize that I'm looking for someone who completes the puzzle that is me. Ultimately, I'm looking for my mate to help me in my life's mission. Since my primary mission is spiritual, my "suitable helpmate" must also be spiritually focused if she's going to fit in to my puzzle. I want my completed puzzle to resemble a picture of Christ, not the world. 

We get to choose what our puzzle ends up looking like, and the spouse we choose helps complete that picture. What picture are you aiming for? What is a "suitable helpmate" to you? PN383

An Inadequate Puzzle

BQ: Yesterday we saw that woman was designed to be an suitable helpmate for man.  In many ways this is akin to matching two pieces of a puzzle together. In selecting the puzzle piece to fit with us, we need to choose wisely. Please consider the following: 

"Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it." (Psalms 127:1)

I have seen so many people, including myself, try and build a house by focusing on the worldly side of things and picking partners who aren't spiritually sound. There is the temptation to say, "He/she makes me emotionally happy, so it's good enough!" It's like building a house on the side of a volcano and saying, "But every day the view is just STUNNING!" 

Overcoming this tendency is hard. For some reason we look at the world, see the poor state of it, and think that we should re-prioritize and put "spiritual health" of the people we're considering being involved with as one of the less-vital things to consider. 

When you're dating, how high on the list is being a spiritual leader? Are you really putting God first? Tomorrow we'll consider the importance of good fathers and how it impacts children. PN384

Stats on the Importance of Strong Christian Men

  BQ:  Today I'd like to focus on if it's important for women to select strong, spiritual husbands.

I knew one girl who dated a guy who called himself a Christian but certainly made no attempts to be at all like Christ. When I asked her if she thought it was a wise choice, she replied, "I can handle it!" Maybe, but what about your kids? Below are some statistics from government studies which show how important it is to choose husbands who are strong, spiritual leaders: 

If mother and father attend assembly/"church" regularly:

33% of their children will end up attending church regularly

25% of their children will end up not attending at all

If mother attends church regularly. Father does not attend church at all:

2% of their children will end up attending church regularly

60% of their children will end up not attending at all

If father attends church regularly. Mother does not attend church at all:

44% of their children will end up attending church regularly

34% of their children will end up not attending at all

If the mother is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 17% probability that everyone in the household will follow. 

If the father is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 93% probability that everyone in the household will follow. 

As you can see, it's important to pick a strong husband. Often Christians pick poor mates because they're picking impatiently and with spirituality being one of the lowest-ranking criteria. This sets up a tough future for the family. As 1 Cor 15:33 says, "Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” PN385

The Nature of Men

BQ: Today I'd like to explore the differences between men and women. Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." Gender, we see, is at the spiritual level. 

If we look at the record of creation, we'll notice that man was somewhat wild at heart, and in fact, man was created OUTSIDE of the garden of Eden, and then placed into the garden by God. The good men throughout the Bible had a desire to fight a battle, to succeed spiritually, and starting with the first man, there was a desire to have a female companion.

When God created Eve, she was greatly desired by Adam, and in good relationships, that needs to be present. Husbands should not forget that their wives want to loved and desired, that in fact they were created to help complete man. Husbands should also remember that women want to feel that they are worth being sought after, defended, and importantly, that their lives are worth sharing in. 

Based on the desires that were latent in the creation of men and women, women need to know that they're beautiful and worth being sought after for their capabilities, and men need to know that they are strong, competent leaders for their families. PN386

Hidden Love

BQ: A lady once told me about the person she was courting, "I love him, but I just don't feel like he truly loves me in return." This is a common problem in many relationships, especially marriages that are past the honeymoon stage, and it can  be an absolute killer.  God knew the gravity of such a situation and said, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." (Proverbs 27:5)

It has been said that there are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Get to know what makes your spouse feel most loved and make certain to love as a verb every day. Don't keep your love hidden, lest it seem to fade away. PN387

Shall Become One

BQ: Gen 2:23-24 says, "She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

When marriages fail, it's because at least one spouse does not see him/herself as being part of one flesh. Marriage beings with a commitment and is sustained by discipline.  One of my friends once said, "If a relationship begins with just sparks, it might end with sparks." It's a lot more work to stay in love than to "fall in love," because one is feelings that change, and the others are consistent, persistent actions—otherwise known as a form of work. 

If you're married, focus on maintaining your marriage and building each other up spiritually. If something is valuable,  it's better to perform preventative maintenance along the way than to wait until it falls apart and then try to salvage it. Remember, it's not just the other spouse at risk—God sees you as one flesh. PN388

A Selfless Relationship

BQ: Luke 6:35 says, "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High."

One aspect missing from many marriages is that of selflessness. Relationships can't be 50/50—they need to be 100/100, with each partner giving it all they have. Watch your expectations, that you don't let them ruin your appreciation. 

My friend Luke Wilson told me that there are four important four minute periods: the first four minutes in the morning, the last four minutes before work, the first four minutes after work, and the last four minutes before sleep. Some of those moments can be tired and make you want to be grumpy, but try to uplift your spouse and keep him/her encouraged. Things run a lot smoother with a little oil.  And if your spouse is stressed or grumpy, be loving anyway, and remember Luke 6:35. PN389

You Can Change You

BQ: Often marriages encounter times where one spouse is unhappy for any of a multitude of reasons, and the reaction is negativity and bitterness. The following is not always applicable, but it can help at times:

"Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye." (Matthew 7:1-5 in part)

Often a way to engender kind feelings is to take the approach of, "The problem with us is me."  The thing is, you cannot force your spouse to change, but it's easy to change yourself. Regardless of the outcome, taking the selfless, introspective, approach will lead to spiritual growth and integrity, and there is nothing more satisfying and healing than that. It is the best possible outcome. PN390

Child of Wrath

BQ: In a marriage, selfishness leads to bitterness and resentment, and is utterly opposed to appreciation. Have you ever felt those feelings toward your spouse while knowing that they were not deserved? What is this a symptom of?

The answer is in Ephesians 2:3, "Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest."

The solution to being a child of wrath is to put on the new self, and to completely get rid of that old man who is struggling to come back. Instead,  follow Jesus' example, who washed the feet of even Judas, his betrayer. Remember that, "it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." (Gal 2:20) Whether or not someone changes is binary: yes or no. If we behave as Christ, we can always say confidently that we gave it our best effort.  For me, at least, I'm able to sleep soundly as long as I can say that. PN391

Communication in Marriage

 BQ: In marriages, communication is worth its weight in gold. Not only that, but it's one of the most highly emphasized things in the Bible. Look at God's example of the Tower of Babel: simply by creating poor communication, God was able to terminate itt. On the other hand, Christ began His church with precise communication on the day of Pentecost. 

When you're considering your marriage, consider how important it is to communicate with your spouse. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." We have the power to create beautiful, vibrant growth in our marriages simply through good, loving communication. Let's do it! PN392

Let Him Hear

BQ: In Matthew 11:15, Jesus said, ""He who has ears to hear, let him hear." Since our relationship as a church with Christ is a marriage relationship, consider the implications of those words as applied to your own marriage. According to Brecheen and Faulkner, couples spend only 27 minutes a week in focused conversation. Think about that. Roughly 3.8 minutes per day are spent in focus conversation.

It is no surprise that marriages that marriages can struggle in such environments. Consider again what Jesus said. It is well known that the best communicators are excellent listeners, and they listen to everything that someone else has to say, not just a tidbit here and there. If you don't spend much time in focused conversation with your spouse, you won't really know who they are. Prioritize learning about your spouse and becoming a solid team. PN393

Words Will Never Hurt Me?

 BQ: There is a popular saying that isn't true, though the intent is good. It goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  I talked to a man once after I heard him screaming at his fiance. "Yeah, he told me, I got a little miffed, but those were just words and they don't mean nuthin'."

The truth is, damaging words can be very hurtful. It can take far, far longer for emotional damage to heal than for our physical bodies. Remember that God says, "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." (Mt 12:37) Words aren't "nuthin'," they are the lifeblood that keeps relationships alive, and poison in them courses straight to the heart of a relationship and damages it. Not only that, but angry words damage our relationship with Jesus. PN394

Response to Those Who Caused Pain

BQ: Sometimes divorces happen when one spouse cheats on another. Sometimes the cheating spouse can be downright mean and villainous, often in an attempt to justify their evil behavior. It can be tempting for the (former) spouse who has been betrayed to feel anger and bitterness over lost time, deceit, and many other things, and sometimes he or she might express that through negative, angry, bitter language directed at the cheater. What does God say about such things? 

Ultimately, the bitter, angry attitude, when coupled with such words, is an attempt to take vengeance on the person who is demonstrably in the wrong, but God tells us, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)  God says this because He wants us to heal, and that's accomplished through the following set of actions found in Phil 3:14-16:

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Move on and start healing! PN395