Confirmation bias in love.

Some time ago I was talking about the book "Crazy Love" with a friend who had been studying relationships and marital success. "Why," I asked, "do I have relationships end the same bad way with people who make me feel entirely differently? "

"You liked them all on an immediate, physical or emotional level, probably," my friend replied. "That led you to like them emotionally. It wasn't white knight syndrome—you didn't want to fix them! Nope, it was confirmation bias. You noticed and looked for what confirmed what you desired, but also ignored, undervalued, or avoided looking for flaws. You ignored any warning signs!"

That's true! I didn't want to examine character deeply because I wanted it to work SO badly. I should have remembered Proverbs 20:11: "Even a young man is known by his actions, whether his activity is pure and whether it is right." Now I'll appreciate the good things, but if the activity isn't pure and right, I'll slow my roll on a relationship and instead focus on being a good friend spiritually!
 

My thoughts on divorce, marriage, and love. —Luke Necessary

As a preface, please understand that what I post is not “God’s given truth,” but rather my interpretation of God’s Word. I do not post it seeking to anger people, nor do I present it to anyone as “absolute fact.” I am neither an authority nor a scholar—I can at best be called an “ignorant and untrained man.” I do not always like what God says, but when His Word disagrees with what I like, I go with what He seems to be saying, since I trust the eternal One rather than the 27 year-old. It has been noted that I state my thoughts as truth, and I can only say, “But of course. I would never want to throw out something that I thought was false or in any way a lie!” I encourage you to do your own research and fact check anything of mine that I happen to post. You may find errors, and I could be wrong. No matter what, though, studying God’s Word will better equip you! I hope you get some value out of my understanding of divorce, and I hope each point is enjoyable and well-worded. God Bless! Jesus loves you, but I <3 you, too!
 

Point 1.) Because God Hates Divorce

Ever hear a preacher say, "For God hates divorce?" This is WRONG...ish. Divorce is certainly not nominal, and God desires our marriage to be like His Son's to the Church: one partner for a lifetime. What is being quoted is Malachi 2:16. The NASB says, "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong..."

If you get your hands on some older versions (Tanakh 1917, KJV, ASV, Young's Literal, etc.) and even some newer versions (Modern Literal Version, AKJV, KJV2000 Jubilee 2000, ERV, etc.) DON'T say that God hates divorce. The Modern Literal Version instead says,

"For I hate putting away, says Jehovah, the God of Israel and he who covers his garment with violence, says Jehovah of hosts."

The word that we often say is "divorce" there...isn't. Instead, the Aramaic word used is, "shalach," which means to "put away," to "cast away," to "send away," and refers to men who would drive off a wife they didn't like, but would not give her a certificate of divorce. This word is used in Jer 15:1 saying, "people; send them away from My presence," in Genesis 8:10, "and again he sent forth the dove." Did Noah divorce a dove? No! Did he send it away? Yes!

Since the woman was "put away," but not given a decree of divorce, she would most likely end up in another relationship in order to survive, but still married to the old husband—and thus an adulteress. However, God addressed the evil of the male side in this.

Point 2.) God’s Own Divorce—Neither Nominal Nor Happy

Did you know that God has Himself divorced? "And I saw, when, for this very cause that backsliding Israel had committed adultery, I had put her away and given her a bill of divorcement also, yet treacherous Judah her sister feared not, but she also went and played the harlot." (Jer 3:8; see also Isaiah 50)

Did you know that in Ezra 10 God commanded the Israelite men to get divorces from their pagan, idolatrous wives? So divorce in and of itself is not evil. It was sanctioned by God and commanded by God in certain circumstances.

Does this mean that we should get divorced? No. It means that we should recognize that it is a painful process which we should avoid at every opportunity, from dating the right person to working together for Christ in marriage. And like Christ, if our spouse has made a tragic mistake in fidelity, we can choose to be like Christ and show them extraordinary mercy.

Caveat: God's objective for us is to find Godly mates who help us do great things for the Kingdom. As I heard someone say once, "I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."

Point 3.) Doctrines of Demons?

I know people who have made genuine mistakes that, because their divorce wasn't "for the right reasons," they cannot remarry, and that God forbids it. This got me thinking. Paul told Gentile widows and the unmarried (this would include those who are divorced) to marry rather than to burn saying, "But I say to the unmarried and to widows...if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Cor 7:8-9)

He said that marriage was partially for the prevention of immorality (v2): "But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband." He also stated that "forbidding marriage" was a doctrine of demons. (1 Tim 4:1-3)

So my thought is this: should we ever endorse a doctrine of demons? Would Jesus teach it in Matthew and Mark? Or do we need to take a deeper look into what was being said?

Point 4.) Questions to Consider

There is a notion in some of Christianity that, should a person be divorced for a reason other than adultery, he/she can never remarry. Today we'll look at 1 Cor 7. It opens saying that each man and woman are to have their own spouse, "because of immoralities." (1-2) Verses 3-5 discuss the need for sex in marriage.

In 6-7, Paul remarked that he wished that some could practice celibacy as he did, "however, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that." So Paul indicates that indeed, some do not have the gift to be celibacy. In verse 9, he then says that it is better to let these people marry than to see them burn.

Questions to consider:

1.) Who is allowed to have a spouse? God says the unmarried. Is a divorced person married? (v1-2)

2.) Are we taking way God's tool to help people avoid fornication if we tell someone who is not married (divorced, widowed, etc.) that they cannot remarry? (6-9)

3.) Did Paul, however, admonish the married to stay together? "Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released." (v27)

4.) Does Paul indicate that a person who is a Christian, but already married to an unbeliever, should not leave that unbelieving spouse (12-16)b just because they are not Christian?

4.) However, for those who are not yet married, does he say to "marry only in the Lord?" (39)

Point 5.) A Law Referenced

Jesus said this on divorce: “It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce’; 32 but I say to you that everyone who [a]divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a [b]divorced woman commits adultery." (Mt 5:31-32 NASB)

Notice that the text has markers [a] and [b]. Why? In this case, the text was taken from Biblegateway's NASB translation. Those markers indicate that the translators have made a change to the text, and the word used is not actually "divorce." That should make you stop and think. So what is the proper translation? Let's look at the literal of v32:

"But I say unto you, that every one that putteth away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, maketh her an adulteress: and whosoever shall marry her when she is put away committeth adultery."

Jesus was speaking to Jews, so we should go the the Jewish Law on divorce to understand what He was expressing. Specifically, Deut 24:1-4 informs us about the Law on divorce. v1-2 say,

“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife."

Divorce was accomplished through a legal paper of divorcement, known as a "get." Without that paper, a woman was still married, and so lying with another man was adultery. Sending a wife away without a "get" was known as "putting away," and was a terrible thing to do to a woman, as it stripped her of her ability to remarry. The New and Old Covenants both taught that those who are not married (including someone legally divorced) are allowed to remarry.

Point 6.) Can’t Stump the Messiah

Some Pharisees tried to stump Jesus on divorce in Mark 10. Check out how important this is:

-They asked him, testing him, "Is it lawful for a husband to put away his wife?" And answering, He said to them, "What did Moses command you?"

-And they said, "Moses permitted us to {both} write a document of divorcement and to put her away."

-Jesus answering, said to them, "He wrote this commandment for you because of your hardness of heart. But God made them male and female from the beginning of the creation. Because of this, a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife; and the two will become one flesh, so-that they are no more two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has yoked together, let no man put asunder."

God says here that He has allowed divorce, though not mere "sending a wife away," because people have hard hearts. Instead of trapping one spouse with someone who has decided that they were useless trash, He permitted a woman to be given divorce papers so that she could start over with a clean slate.

Jesus routinely answered with a pattern of "Precept-Principle-Action." The precept is the command; the law." The Law allowed for divorce. The principle is the primary truth and driving force—in this case, don't have a hard heart! Love one another. And the action was this, "Let not man put asunder."

Divorce is not nominal. It's tragic. It's horrific. We should strive with all of our soul to avoid becoming hard-hearted, and to avoid divorce.

Point 7.) Precept, Principle, Action

There are a host of opinions as to what constitutes "scriptural divorce," but those opinions are often ours and not necessarily those of God. Within the context of this teaching on divorce, Jesus gives 5 different contrasts of what the Law said versus what He says is the point of the Law

I look at these as the "Precept vs. Principle" teachings. That is, “Rules and Zero Tolerance versus Principles of Mercy and Love.” Jesus consistently says, "You have heard it said," and then gives "BUT I say to you," in response.

Here is a quick synopsis: PRECEPT VS. PRINCIPLE

Introduction: Till the kingdom comes, all precepts must be kept, but there are principles to consider.

"“Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

“For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Mt 5:17-20)

Murder

1. Precept: Mat 5:21 "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.'

Principle: Mat 5:22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire.

Action: Mat 5:23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,

Mat 5:24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Adultery

2. Precept: Mat 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'

Principle: Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Action: Mat 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.

Oaths

3. Precept: Mat 5:33 "Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.'

Principle: Mat 5:34 But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God,

Mat 5:35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King.

Mat 5:36 And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black.

Action: Mat 5:37 Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil.

Retribution

4. Precept: Mat 5:38 "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'

Principle: Mat 5:39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Mat 5:40 And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.

Mat 5:41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.

Action: Mat 5:42 Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.

Enemies

5. Precept: Mat 5:43 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'

Principle: Mat 5:44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Mat 5:45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

Action: Mat 5:48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Consider Jesus’ teaching on marriage, adultery, divorce, and putting away a wife without giving her a certificate of divorce. What was the precept? What was the principle? What action should be taken?

Freebie Thoughts:

Marriages fail. Big time. The lifetime risk of divorce is around 40% for people who even bother to get married. Why? Any good team, from business to basketball, has a mission in which everyone is invested. Marriages need to be more than just being happy—they need to have a mission statement; a goal. Marriage needs to bring a couple closer to Christ. Marriage with a mission is critical. 

Marriages need to behappiness AND holiness. Without a mission statement that puts God first, selfishness will creep in. Without a mission statement, when times get rough, couples start looking out for number one—they have no higher goal to fall back on. They split apart when it gets tough, instead of holding tighter.

By the way, the spouse you marry won't be the same person in five years, guaranteed. People change. God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Gen 2) In order to help one another, there has to be a goal. Pick a spouse whose goal is to "grow in respect to salvation," (1 Pet 2) 

Want a good marriage? Pick a spouse with an eternal goal that "there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment." (1 Cor 1)

 

Marriage has to be about more than happiness—it has to be about holiness. If marriage is just based on happiness (s/he makes me happy/money is good/what a hottie), it's easily threatened. At some point, you'll be unhappy with your spouse, because people change. Sometimes it's short term—stress or the like—and sometimes it's long term, like spiritual growth.

One thing's for sure, if you pick Mr. Right, it's very possible that, if you're just looking for happiness, you can meet Mr. Righter. Cheating happens pretty easily these days, too. It's easy to get some affection from guys or girls on Facebook, or from someone at the office. It's easy to say, "Wow, this person is so much more attractive in this way...I may have settled too soon."

C.S. Lewis called courage "the form of every virtue at the testing point." When you're unhappy with your spouse and Satan sends you, "Option B for your bed, who's a little nicer right now," it's critical to have a marriage with a mission. What's that mission? Being holy. As Eph 5:22-32 says, marriage is to make us more like Christ. It's to be courageous. It's a commitment sustained through discipline.

Marriage is designed to show the relationship between Christ and His bride, which is the church. It is meant to show endless love, and incredible respect. " So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies...and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Eph 5) That's so much easier to do when you have a marital mission built around Christ.

People who always let you know how wrong you are.

Have you been trying to become more like Christ, but met that one person who's always a hammer in search of a nail? You probably know what I'm talking about: they know EVERYTHING that you're doing wrong and will always let you know about how wrong you are in God's eyes and what little thing is indubitably sending you to hell if you don't conform. They're always the stick and never the carrot, so don't expect any "attaboys" from them, because they're there to refine you as with fire. Those people are an example that there is a difference between doing God's work and doing God's job. In 1 Cor 4, Paul wrote,

"Therefore do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts; and then each man’s praise will come to him from God....so that no one of you will become arrogant in behalf of one against the other."

We are to be known by our love for one another, which does include reproof and correction, but not done in such a manner that we always beat down and never build up. Furthermore, we should be very careful in pronouncing eternal judgement on our brothers and sisters. We labor for the harvest, but do not replace God as the adjudicator of the eternal soul of man.

Humans don't like big menus.

Scientifically, humans are happier when they have shorter menus. Long menus present something called "opportunity paralysis," which agonizes us. "So many choices...what if I make the wrong one."

The old covenant was a system of rules and regulations, written in stone for all to see, in which you had to keep the letter of the law. On the other hand, there was no need to make decisions, as everything was pre-determined. The new covenant is a relationship, in which you need to keep the spirit. We are not bound by context-less precept (rules), but rather principles and action of freedom. Too often we seek to infer new rules, so that we do not have to suffer opportunity paralysis.

Hebrews 8 declares: For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares YHWH: I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. [ie. RELATIONSHIP] 11 And they shall not teach, each one his neighbor and each one his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ [NOT RULES] for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. [BUT RELATIONSHIP]

But he is a Jew who is one inwardly, and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit not in the letter; whose praise is not from men, but from God. [SPIRIT, NOT LETTER OF THE LAW] (Rom 2)

"But now we have been discharged from the law, having died to that in which we were held; so that we serve in newness of the spirit, and not in oldness of the letter." [SPIRIT, NOT LETTER OF THE LAW] (Rom 7:6)

Have you seen people trying to infer the letter of the law where it no longer exists? I've been one of those people. Bondage is easy, but as we grow stronger, freedom enables us to become overwhelming conquerors.

Who's your best friend in marriage? (Careful!)

I've once had a gal tell me, "You're my best friend and soulmate." I was deeply touched by the sentiment, but this thought made it necessary to pull back from the deep friendship. She had a man already, and they had a kid, although both came along long into our friendship.

Song of Solomon says, "“I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me." This is absolutely critical to a good marriage. Allowing another person other than your spouse to fill the role of best friend and soulmate, such as it is, spells disaster. When God says that in marriage, two become one, we should never attempt to break off a part of that one and attach it to a separate entity.

(Yes, I knows, says the unmarried man. wink emoticon )

A suitable helpmate...for what?

In Genesis, God describes a good partnership in marriage as being that of a "suitable helper."  In Luke 10, Jesus told His disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." (v2)

When looking for a spouse, what's your primary concern? Mine's to get a fellow laborer for Christ, who is thus truly an ideal helper in the work for God! 

How to smooth out a rough marriage.

How can marriages last? How can people get along for so many years? Nowadays people often get tired of each other's foibles and get divorced. I like something that God said, and I've been considering it in the context of marriage:

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8)

A humble spirit of appreciation showing true love through action can smooth out the roughest times of a marriage. <3

How long should I date for?

I've heard various thoughts on dating and whatnot. I've heard some Christians tell me that you need at least 1000-hours of contact before marriage, but I've known others who have successfully had marriages after knowing each other for short times.  

It reminds me that God said in 1 Cor 7, "If they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." For some, it might be better to avoid extended dating and, once they know it's a good match, just go for it. 

Samson's undoing.

Solomon was the wisest man ever, and yet he failed. Samson was strong beyond what we can ever be, and yet he failed. The common denominator was those that they let close to their hearts. Judges 14 records the beginning of Samson's fall. Ol' Sammy saw a hottie and told his parents to get her for him, and they replied, "“Is there no woman... all our people, that you go to take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?” 

But Samson said to his father, “Get her for me, for she looks good to me.”

"Looks good to me," is like, "if it feels good, do it," or, "if it makes you happy, go for it." Let's not make the mistake that Samson and Solomon made. Let's aim for holiness first, and God's strength. The wisest man and the strongest man will both fall if they reject God's plan. 

What's most notable about Solomon?

What is most notable about Solomon isn't that he was so wise, but that he failed. 
"For it came about when Solomon was old, his wives turned his heart away after other gods; and his heart was not wholly devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been." (1 Kings 11:4)

I once knew someone who knew the Bible inside and out, but was having a hard time leaving sin behind. He told me, "I have all the Biblical resources, leaders, and friends I need to manage my life, so I don't need or want help." In many ways, we can become like Solomon: all the wisdom and spiritual resources in the world, but they amount to nothing if we aren't using them to actively grow.

Solomon's romantic partners caused him to fall away, but ultimately he could have heeded this advice, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." (James 4:8) Let's make sure we're not living two lives, and let's remember that there is no provision to "remain at the same distance from God." There is drawing near or falling away. Pick the right one. 

Romance and the order of operations—it's simple math!

In relationships, it's better to pick a mate through wisdom rather than emotion. In order to get the right result in math, the order of operations have to be followed. If you add something before accomplishing the multiplying and dividing, the answer just won't be right. It has occurred to me that the order of operations if critical in dating and romance, too. 

If we meet someone we really like emotionally, but who isn't saved, it is folly for us to give our emotional core to them. God tells us to, "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness," and as a part of that, we need to put the spiritual health of the other person BEFORE dating and our emotional desires. 

If we don't do that, what we're really doing is setting an immediate example where our own wants are equal or superior to God's desires and plans, and we show that our emotions trump the other person's spiritual eternity. We should make disciples first, showing integrity and sincerity of our beliefs—this will reveal just how much we love God, and will be much more effective at causing faith in those we love.

Respect in relationships.

I once dated a Christian who said she didn't respect me because I'd never be like a certain evangelist who, to this day, is one of the best men either of us have ever been blessed enough to know. Was this a relationship I should have pursued and stayed in?

No. God tells us, "Each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33).

If a relationship lacks respect, it's not one to be in. Move on and find someone where both parties are edified and bring glory to God.

"See the young man sittin' in the old man's bar, waitin' for his turn to die."

"See the young man sittin' in the old man's bar, waitin' for his turn to die." That's a line from the Goo Goo Dolls' song, "Broadway," and I think it's ultimately tragic, because it's ultimately true. Millions and millions are living their lives with just one ultimate goal: death, decay; dust. It is sadly true when God says,

"For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten. Their love and their hate and their envy have already perished, and forever they have no more share in all that is done under the sun." (Eccl 9:5-6)

As Christians, we need to see the plight of those who, though they are sad for the moment in grief over a lost loved one, or happy drinking and partying with friends, are really simply waiting for their turn to die. We need to get out of our comfort zones and show them the spiritual reality behind this physical facade because, "the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." (1 Cor 1:18)

Who should Christians marry?

-----------A Variety of Options-----------

For THEIR work:  As I've grown as a young Christian man, the joy has been great, but there has also been a mix of creeping horror and sadness growing inside me. When I was less like Christ, who I dated didn't matter to me—atheist, lukewarm, whatever.  All I cared about was how much spark there was. And now that I want to date a Christian, I see that many are taken by non-Christians, as I used to be, and it is scary.

God says, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for THEIR labor." (Eccl 4:9)  Notice that this is a mutual labor toward a common goal—both working for God. When we pick non-Christian mates, Satan knows that Ecclesiastes 4:9 is no longer such a threat to him. Don't pick a non-Christian mate and deprive another Christian of the blessing that you are in Christ. Don't let Satan fracture the church at our most intimate level. 

Marriage most closely resembles the relationship between Christ and the church. Let your marriage here be resemble that, too. Pick a Christian. 




Things that settle drift to the bottom: I used to be happy dating non-Christians because God says, "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17) Iron which is sharpened is having itself changed at a fundamental level, and I was a Christian with bad habits that I didn't want to give up. Picking people of the world, I knew that I didn't have to worry about being sharpened and changed.

Pick solid, Christian partners, and embrace the change that we make in one another. Let yourself be sharpened, the rust of the world shaved off. Become a better weapon for Christ in the fight against Satan.

(Things that settle tend to slowly drift downward toward the bottom. Don't settle for anything less than excelling still more.)

Satan’s offer that you can refuse: Satan offers us boyfriends and girlfriends that fulfill all of our fleshly desires.  I once knew this girl who meant the world to me; my heart beat faster every time we talked, and I wanted nothing more than to feel the comfort of holding her in my arms. She wanted to marry me, too.  I studied the Bible with her for three years, and she never believed.  I always said no to dating her, and it was always painful.

I knew that this girl would make me happy—Satan knew that, too. But she would not make me happy and holy. We would never build the Kingdom together, and I'd not get to spend eternity with her. I said no to something which would make me happy, but hobble me spiritually, because God promises,

"House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD." (Pro 19:14) Satan offers us something eternally and infinitely inferior to what God can give. Will you wait and trust God, or go for Satan's tempting offer? 

What’s more beneficial? God challenges the church not to simply ask, "Is it okay?" but instead to ask, "Is it beneficial?" (1 Cor. 10:23). What is more beneficial to His Kingdom and the souls that are lost in need of saving: marrying a Christian, and giving him or her the benefit of all that you have to offer in Christ, or marrying a non-Christian, and having your talent wasted?

What is more beneficial: a spouse who will help you raise your children to believe in God, or one who won't? One who will bring people into your home and study the Bible with them, or one who won't? The knowledge that you'll spend eternity together, or knowing that one of you will forever be with Satan?

-----------New Testament Instruction-----------

It’s about marriage and more: 2 Cor 6:14 says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." Some will say, "God doesn't care about who you marry, because this doesn't say, 'don't marry unbelievers!'"  It's true that it doesn't say "marry," but that's because it's broader and more inclusive. Being yoked can happen emotionally before we know it—look at all the unmarried, live-in Christians. It includes marriage and more, and can be read as:

-Do not enter into inconsistent relations with those who reject the faith

-Avoid unsuitable connections with unbelievers

-Stop forming intimate and inconsistent relations with non-Christians

It's not about only marriage; it's about marriage and more.

But I love this person: As Christians, we're totally down with a lot of what God says.  "Don't murder, yep, I avoid that pretty well!" Other things, though, we try to ignore. One of them is 2 Cor 6, which says, "DO NOT be unequally yoked with unbelievers...what fellowship has light with darkness?"

We look at the non-Christian that we're falling for and say, "But I love this person," while ignoring God saying, "Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals." (1 Cor 15:33) Can you imagine Christ being bound to Satan? We have Christ in us, so why would we make that choice? Don't let your feelings overpower your love of God. Binding yourself to a non-Christian doesn't show love, it shows a disregard for God, and a casual disregard for that person's eternity.

Spend your time making new Christians and put the romantic feelings on the back burner. It'll let you experience true romance with someone in Christ in the future.

Take all the couples: Take all the Christian couples you know, and imagine life if only one from each couple were a Christian. What would the church look like?  God sent the animals into the ark two-by-two, male and female (Gen 7:9).  Jesus sent out the first disciples in twos (Mark 6:7).  

Satan offers us non-Christians so that we will never be "two-by-two." He is a master at dividing and conquering. Don't let him, because it's an offer you CAN refuse.

Don’t! "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers," covers a lot more ground than just marriage. Consider some other ‘do not' passages found in the New Testament:

Matt 4:7 - Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'

Matt 6:2 - "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets..."

Rom 6:11-13 - "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness..."

Let's answer a few questions. Is it OK to put the Lord to the test? Is it OK to announce our giving with trumpets? Is it OK to let sin reign in our mortal body? The unequivocal answer to all of these questions is a resounding NO! Why then would we believe it is OK to be unequally yoked to an unbeliever? It is not. We do ourselves a grave disservice when we kick against the goads, when we contravene a direct command of the scriptures. And in doing so, we harm ourselves and those around us.

Do you agree? In 1 Cor 6:14, Paul gives the example of a believer having sexual relations with a prostitute. The resulting union joins Christ to a prostitute. Likewise, the joining of a Christian and a non-Christian joins Christ to an unbeliever.

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be!"

God says, "May it never be!" Do you agree with Him?

Run the race. Hebrews 12:1 says, "let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."

Christianity is a race, and we are blessed with the opportunity to run it with a partner. It's very important to pick it with a partner that's running toward the same finish line. If we choose a partner who is not Christian, we ignore God who said in Eph 5:7, "Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord." 

Pick your partner in this race wisely, that you may be united in Christ, and that there "be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment." (1 Cor 1:10)

But what if… Since God says for Christians to stay married to non-Christians (1 Cor 7:12-16), does that mean He doesn't mind if we marry them?*  As it turns out, that section of 1 Cor 7 is fundamentally unable, by itself, to answer the above question. Why?

-The QUESTION addresses an unmarried Christian who is single and has the option to marry; 

-Whereas 1 Cor 7:12-16 discusses the recently-converted Christian whose spouse has not yet obeyed God, in which case God says, "Wait, don't divorce and remarry. You believed, so give your spouse a reason to believe, too, and try and win them. They may soon follow you to Christ!" 

*Note: If the non-Christians leaves, we're told to move on since we're, "not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace."

Be holy! Over and over in the New Testament, we are enjoined to "be holy."  Holiness in this context means separation from the world. We have a different standard that governs all of our relationships, but especially that of marriage. Consider Paul's direction to widows:

"A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." (1 Cor 7:39)

This is neither encouragement nor suggestion, but an easily understood command. "...he must belong to the Lord."  Disciples marry disciples. Also, since the purpose of dating is to find a lifelong soul mate (it shouldn't be just to avoid boredom or have a face to suck on), it only follows that Christians date Christians only.

This right we have. "Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?" (1 Cor 9:5)

Who did God give Paul and others the right to marry—other believers. Can you imagine an apostle preaching great messages, and then going to a pagan celebration and picking a pagan wife? How about us? What if I taught at family camp, and then went to a bar and picked up a hot bartender(ess?)? As God says, "May it never be!"

-----------Spiritually Destroying Families and Children-----------

A shared goal. Why would you want to date someone where it could lead to marriage—the closest human relationship you could ever have, when Jesus, who is closest to you personally, they don’t share with you? If your goal was to travel to New York, would you get on a train going to Chicago? It's much the same with dating: why get on a relationship not traveling toward God?

God said believers would be divided from those who didn't even in families, and it is the same for romance: "For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Mt 10:35-37)

Helping your children. Where do you want your kids to end up? This is an incredibly important aspect in dating, which leads to marriage. In Mark 9, God says that if we cause little children to stumble in their belief, that it would be better for us to be drowned in the ocean. With that in mind, what do you think that picking a spouse who does believe in God does to a kid? Consider these government statistics:

-If the mother is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 17% probability that everyone in the household will follow.

-If the father is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 93% probability that everyone in the household will follow.

Would you want your boyfriend of girlfriend to cause a child who believes to stumble? How much less so your spouse?

Some other stats:

If mother and father attend assembly/"church" regularly:

33% of their children will end up attending church regularly

25% of their children will end up not attending at all

If mother attends church regularly. Father does not attend church at all:

2% of their children will end up attending church regularly

60% of their children will end up not attending at all

If father attends church regularly. Mother does not attend church at all:

44% of their children will end up attending church regularly

34% of their children will end up not attending at all

Don’t cause people to stumble! We're told not to make little kids or those new in Christ stumble. We're also told to not be partnered with unbelievers. That's easy to understand. Consider the following:

-If a little kid sees me preaching on Sunday, but drunk with friends in a facebook post, could that cause him to stumble?

-If a youngin' sees me as a leader in Christ, but also sees that I've got a girlfriend who isn't a Christian, could that cause him to stumble? What if he sees that I give in to her worldly proclivities and get drunk with her and stuff?

How can we give our children the best shot they can hope for at eternal life?

-----------Understanding the Threat Using the Old Testament-----------

Better than Ezra? Since the Old Testament contains a shadow of the spiritual reality for us today, it provides us a pattern to help us understand marriage between those in Christ and those not; in fact, it is actually pretty direct about marrying unbelievers. Ezra 10 specifically forbids God's people from marrying "foreign wives," and considered it unfaithfulness to God:

"Then Ezra the priest stood up and said to them, "You have been unfaithful; you have married foreign women, adding to Israel's guilt. Now make confession to the LORD, the God of your fathers, and do his will. Separate yourselves from the peoples around you and from your foreign wives."  (v10-11)

Wisdom of Nehemiah.  Among Nehemiah's various reforms, the Israelites set this down as a binding agreement:  "We promise not to give our daughters in marriage to the peoples around us or take their daughters for our sons."  Later in the rebuilding, when Nehemiah became aware of specific cases of intermarriage, he had this to say:

"Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel sinned? Among the many nations there was no king like him. He was loved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel, but even he was led into sin by foreign women. Must we hear now that you too are doing all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women?"  (Nehemiah 13:23-27)

God considered it unfaithfulness and wickedness to take those who were not part of His people as spouses. Would it be wise to do it today? Would it be beneficial to the Kingdom?

God has always been serious. Numbers 25 tells us that Israel caused great damage by taking on companions who weren't of God. In part it says, 

"The Lord was angry against Israel. The Lord said to Moses, “Take all the leaders of the people and execute them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the fierce anger of the Lord may turn away from Israel.”  So Moses said to the judges of Israel, “Each of you slay his men who have joined themselves to Baal of Peor.”

In the end, 24,000 of God's people died for partnering with unbelievers. This issue can destroy the church in one generation, yet it is socially acceptable and goes unnoticed.  Do you understand why God has always treated it seriously?

Close to our hearts. Satan wants to be as close to our heart as he can, so that he can corrupt it so it.  What is closer to your heart than your romantic partner? And that's why  the general tone of scripture from Genesis to Revelation has been against those of God marrying or otherwise partnering with those not of Him (OT examples: Genesis 6:2; 24:3; 26:34-35; 28:1; Exodus 34:11-16; Deuteronomy 7:1-5; Judges 14:1-3; 1 Kings 11, etc.).

Physical Israel had a pattern of taking non-believers as companions and, afterward, suffering death, exile, and destruction. Even Solomon, the wisest of men, was led astray and fell due to picking spouses not of God. Don't make that mistake.

-----------Will You Be Wise Or Foolish?-----------

The Kingdom Proton. In the sermon on the mount, Jesus admonished his disciples to put the kingdom of Christ “first” (proton) in their lives. The adverb suggests that the interests of the Lord should be “above all” else. Can anyone honestly contend that the child of God who unites himself with the unbeliever in the most intimate of all human relationships is granting the reign of Christ the most exalted place in his or her life?

If you are still blessed enough to have the option to get out of a dating relationship with a non-Christian, would you take it? What would please God? What puts the Kingdom first? And lastly, don't you have enough faith to trust that He will give you a companion who makes you just as happy as your non-Christian one, but with great spiritual blessings? If you aren't married yet, find yourself a person who will bring you closer to God, who will help you please God.

Jesus said, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." There is so much work to be done. Pray for a helper in it, just like Jesus did.

As for me and my house. In Joshua 24:15 there is a beautiful message:

"And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served [in other places]...But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”

Imagine how much less powerful that verse would be if it said, "But as for me, and....no one else in my house, I am the only one will serve the Lord." So many Christian families these days cannot say that their house will serve the Lord, and it's very often a deliberate choice they make to marry those who will not, which later on ends up with kids who do not believe.  Choose to build the strongest family you can!

Emotions over all?  Being in love is an insane feeling—your heart is head-over-heels for someone. But God warns, ""Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) Have you ever met that non-Christian that you just fall for—he or she is just ALL that, emotionally, physically...not a Christian, but EVERYTHING else is perfect?

I have. I don't think there is ANY greater temptation. To me, that person has SO MUCH potential! I want to start the relationship NOW so that I don't miss any time feeling that love. But God tells me not to, and it isn't a big shocker that Satan wants us to fall for those who SEEM like they can be the best ever to us, "and no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light." (2 Cor 11:14)

Work ceaselessly to make those who aren't in Christ a part of the Kingdom, but don't be tricked by your emotions. Guard your heart (emotions). Give if to other Christians, not to someone who you hope will maybe, one day, become one.

Getting out of a relationship. Sometimes Christians recognize that they're in spiritually poisonous relationships, and they think "I need to get out!" But often, it drags out over months with lots of tears and confusion. They've become emotionally attached, so it's hard to leave. They get guilt-tripped to stay. Let's look at how Jesus handled a poisonous relationship with Judas:

"As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him, "What you are about to do, do quickly." (John 13:27)

Jesus saw that the relationship would not improve, so He pushed to have it end quickly. We should do the same. Like setting a broken bone, it shouldn't be dragged out over months, but rather done quickly and decisively. Only then can the healing process begin.

Sleeping around. I need to say something about sleeping around.  Take two pieces of duct tape and press the sticky faces together. Trying to pull them back apart is nearly impossible, and causes damage to the pieces. However, if you take another two pieces of tape and stick them to a chair, the floor, etc., the glued side will soon be covered with junk.  If you press those pieces together, they might stick, but it will be easy to separate them again.

The same thing happens when a person has lots of sex outside of marriage. He makes bonds physically, emotionally, and spiritually with another person, but the relationship doesn’t last and the two are torn apart. The first time is often incredibly painful (lots of tears and bad feelings). This process repeats, maybe with a "rebound." They break up. The pain is there, but it is not as bad as the first time. With each succeeding relationship, the bond becomes weaker and weaker. When the person  finally doe does attempt to bond in marriage, there is so much baggage—so much junk—that it's difficult for the relationship to stick, but easy for the two partners to be torn apart.

Ideally, a man or a woman should only bond with his or her spouse. God expressed it like this: "Drink water from your own cistern and fresh water from your own well...Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love." (Proverbs 5:15-19)

Your friends make a difference.

Your friends really do make a difference.  "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." (Pro 13:20)

I used to work 911 and was assigned the weekend shift to deal with the wild nights at the bars. It was very easy to witness the harm that people shared among themselves, from lasting sexual diseases to death. Some things don't change, but you can change who your friends are, and what habits you have. 

If you can't forgive or forget, pick one.

Are you good at record keeping? Have you ever had a falling out with someone? Maybe it was ages ago, but you still don't talk? Maybe it was SUPER-SERIOUS FACEBOOK OFFICIAL and you even blocked them for whatever reason and thought, "Aha, me and Mark Zuckerberg will teach 'em!?" 

God said love "keeps no record of wrongs." When will you tear up that record and start fresh? After all, the second greatest command is to, "love your neighbor as yourself.’" (1 Cor 13 & Mark 12)  

Food for relationships.

 Starving to death has to be one of the worst ways to die. In relationships, starvation can also occur, and often because our relationships aren't being fed. That's why "Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work." (John 4:34)

Are you and your romantic partner eating?    Do you wake up every day and say, "The Lord has made this day for me, and I need to be about His business?" I love Paul's approach in Acts 22:10 where he said, "‘What shall I do, Lord?"  That's a great way to keep feeding any relationship! :)

When you just can't stand someone.

"Man, that stinking witch...well, God requires that I love her, but she should have her sins exposed and man I'd like to punch her face!  If only everyone else knew what I know about her!"—an internal thought from a Christian.

"Oh yeah, well you don't really serve Christ; it's all for show with you [censored], go to HELL!"—a Christian phone call gone nasty.

"Whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness.”—Romans 13:14; God.

The above are a symptom of sickness in the lives of Christians; the symptom of a deadly disease which carries with it a host of other maladies. It is called "bitterness," expressed in Greek as being "pikros," meaning that the entire thing is cutting, sharp.  Have you ever seen that sort of response from a Christian in a relationship? Calculated, incisive, meant to cause damage...here is something better to consider:

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice."—Eph 4:31 

Settling differences.

Ever had a brother or sister in Christ who you just KNOW ain't livin' up to expectations? Time to give 'em an earful! Especially if it's affronted you!

Galatians 6:1 says, "Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted."

Our goal must not be punishment, but restoration, and not with the fierce wrath of a volcano, but rather in gentleness. I lack this, but I'm getting better daily. One last thing: that brother or sister out indulging in the world...is caught in something very, very addictive. Be very careful lest you get caught up in the same sin. 

Don't be demoralizing.

Have you ever had a brother or sister in Christ make you feel worthless?  In 2 Samuel, David became depressed, and his attitude hurt others. General Joab saw the damage he was doing and told David,

"You have today covered with shame the faces of all your servants.... For you have made it clear today that commanders and servants are nothing to you!  Now therefore arise, go out and speak kindly to your servants, for I swear by the Lord, if you do not go, not a man will stay with you this night, and this will be worse for you than all the evil that has come upon you from your youth until now.”

David hurt others just by being demoralized. Being actively negative is far, far worse to our brothers and sisters. Look for every reason to encourage, even when you're at your most discouraged.