My thoughts on divorce, marriage, and love. —Luke Necessary

As a preface, please understand that what I post is not “God’s given truth,” but rather my interpretation of God’s Word. I do not post it seeking to anger people, nor do I present it to anyone as “absolute fact.” I am neither an authority nor a scholar—I can at best be called an “ignorant and untrained man.” I do not always like what God says, but when His Word disagrees with what I like, I go with what He seems to be saying, since I trust the eternal One rather than the 27 year-old. It has been noted that I state my thoughts as truth, and I can only say, “But of course. I would never want to throw out something that I thought was false or in any way a lie!” I encourage you to do your own research and fact check anything of mine that I happen to post. You may find errors, and I could be wrong. No matter what, though, studying God’s Word will better equip you! I hope you get some value out of my understanding of divorce, and I hope each point is enjoyable and well-worded. God Bless! Jesus loves you, but I <3 you, too!
 

Point 1.) Because God Hates Divorce

Ever hear a preacher say, "For God hates divorce?" This is WRONG...ish. Divorce is certainly not nominal, and God desires our marriage to be like His Son's to the Church: one partner for a lifetime. What is being quoted is Malachi 2:16. The NASB says, "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong..."

If you get your hands on some older versions (Tanakh 1917, KJV, ASV, Young's Literal, etc.) and even some newer versions (Modern Literal Version, AKJV, KJV2000 Jubilee 2000, ERV, etc.) DON'T say that God hates divorce. The Modern Literal Version instead says,

"For I hate putting away, says Jehovah, the God of Israel and he who covers his garment with violence, says Jehovah of hosts."

The word that we often say is "divorce" there...isn't. Instead, the Aramaic word used is, "shalach," which means to "put away," to "cast away," to "send away," and refers to men who would drive off a wife they didn't like, but would not give her a certificate of divorce. This word is used in Jer 15:1 saying, "people; send them away from My presence," in Genesis 8:10, "and again he sent forth the dove." Did Noah divorce a dove? No! Did he send it away? Yes!

Since the woman was "put away," but not given a decree of divorce, she would most likely end up in another relationship in order to survive, but still married to the old husband—and thus an adulteress. However, God addressed the evil of the male side in this.

Point 2.) God’s Own Divorce—Neither Nominal Nor Happy

Did you know that God has Himself divorced? "And I saw, when, for this very cause that backsliding Israel had committed adultery, I had put her away and given her a bill of divorcement also, yet treacherous Judah her sister feared not, but she also went and played the harlot." (Jer 3:8; see also Isaiah 50)

Did you know that in Ezra 10 God commanded the Israelite men to get divorces from their pagan, idolatrous wives? So divorce in and of itself is not evil. It was sanctioned by God and commanded by God in certain circumstances.

Does this mean that we should get divorced? No. It means that we should recognize that it is a painful process which we should avoid at every opportunity, from dating the right person to working together for Christ in marriage. And like Christ, if our spouse has made a tragic mistake in fidelity, we can choose to be like Christ and show them extraordinary mercy.

Caveat: God's objective for us is to find Godly mates who help us do great things for the Kingdom. As I heard someone say once, "I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."

Point 3.) Doctrines of Demons?

I know people who have made genuine mistakes that, because their divorce wasn't "for the right reasons," they cannot remarry, and that God forbids it. This got me thinking. Paul told Gentile widows and the unmarried (this would include those who are divorced) to marry rather than to burn saying, "But I say to the unmarried and to widows...if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Cor 7:8-9)

He said that marriage was partially for the prevention of immorality (v2): "But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband." He also stated that "forbidding marriage" was a doctrine of demons. (1 Tim 4:1-3)

So my thought is this: should we ever endorse a doctrine of demons? Would Jesus teach it in Matthew and Mark? Or do we need to take a deeper look into what was being said?

Point 4.) Questions to Consider

There is a notion in some of Christianity that, should a person be divorced for a reason other than adultery, he/she can never remarry. Today we'll look at 1 Cor 7. It opens saying that each man and woman are to have their own spouse, "because of immoralities." (1-2) Verses 3-5 discuss the need for sex in marriage.

In 6-7, Paul remarked that he wished that some could practice celibacy as he did, "however, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that." So Paul indicates that indeed, some do not have the gift to be celibacy. In verse 9, he then says that it is better to let these people marry than to see them burn.

Questions to consider:

1.) Who is allowed to have a spouse? God says the unmarried. Is a divorced person married? (v1-2)

2.) Are we taking way God's tool to help people avoid fornication if we tell someone who is not married (divorced, widowed, etc.) that they cannot remarry? (6-9)

3.) Did Paul, however, admonish the married to stay together? "Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released." (v27)

4.) Does Paul indicate that a person who is a Christian, but already married to an unbeliever, should not leave that unbelieving spouse (12-16)b just because they are not Christian?

4.) However, for those who are not yet married, does he say to "marry only in the Lord?" (39)

Point 5.) A Law Referenced

Jesus said this on divorce: “It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce’; 32 but I say to you that everyone who [a]divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a [b]divorced woman commits adultery." (Mt 5:31-32 NASB)

Notice that the text has markers [a] and [b]. Why? In this case, the text was taken from Biblegateway's NASB translation. Those markers indicate that the translators have made a change to the text, and the word used is not actually "divorce." That should make you stop and think. So what is the proper translation? Let's look at the literal of v32:

"But I say unto you, that every one that putteth away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, maketh her an adulteress: and whosoever shall marry her when she is put away committeth adultery."

Jesus was speaking to Jews, so we should go the the Jewish Law on divorce to understand what He was expressing. Specifically, Deut 24:1-4 informs us about the Law on divorce. v1-2 say,

“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife."

Divorce was accomplished through a legal paper of divorcement, known as a "get." Without that paper, a woman was still married, and so lying with another man was adultery. Sending a wife away without a "get" was known as "putting away," and was a terrible thing to do to a woman, as it stripped her of her ability to remarry. The New and Old Covenants both taught that those who are not married (including someone legally divorced) are allowed to remarry.

Point 6.) Can’t Stump the Messiah

Some Pharisees tried to stump Jesus on divorce in Mark 10. Check out how important this is:

-They asked him, testing him, "Is it lawful for a husband to put away his wife?" And answering, He said to them, "What did Moses command you?"

-And they said, "Moses permitted us to {both} write a document of divorcement and to put her away."

-Jesus answering, said to them, "He wrote this commandment for you because of your hardness of heart. But God made them male and female from the beginning of the creation. Because of this, a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife; and the two will become one flesh, so-that they are no more two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has yoked together, let no man put asunder."

God says here that He has allowed divorce, though not mere "sending a wife away," because people have hard hearts. Instead of trapping one spouse with someone who has decided that they were useless trash, He permitted a woman to be given divorce papers so that she could start over with a clean slate.

Jesus routinely answered with a pattern of "Precept-Principle-Action." The precept is the command; the law." The Law allowed for divorce. The principle is the primary truth and driving force—in this case, don't have a hard heart! Love one another. And the action was this, "Let not man put asunder."

Divorce is not nominal. It's tragic. It's horrific. We should strive with all of our soul to avoid becoming hard-hearted, and to avoid divorce.

Point 7.) Precept, Principle, Action

There are a host of opinions as to what constitutes "scriptural divorce," but those opinions are often ours and not necessarily those of God. Within the context of this teaching on divorce, Jesus gives 5 different contrasts of what the Law said versus what He says is the point of the Law

I look at these as the "Precept vs. Principle" teachings. That is, “Rules and Zero Tolerance versus Principles of Mercy and Love.” Jesus consistently says, "You have heard it said," and then gives "BUT I say to you," in response.

Here is a quick synopsis: PRECEPT VS. PRINCIPLE

Introduction: Till the kingdom comes, all precepts must be kept, but there are principles to consider.

"“Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

“For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Mt 5:17-20)

Murder

1. Precept: Mat 5:21 "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.'

Principle: Mat 5:22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire.

Action: Mat 5:23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,

Mat 5:24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Adultery

2. Precept: Mat 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'

Principle: Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Action: Mat 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.

Oaths

3. Precept: Mat 5:33 "Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.'

Principle: Mat 5:34 But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God,

Mat 5:35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King.

Mat 5:36 And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black.

Action: Mat 5:37 Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil.

Retribution

4. Precept: Mat 5:38 "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'

Principle: Mat 5:39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Mat 5:40 And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.

Mat 5:41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.

Action: Mat 5:42 Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.

Enemies

5. Precept: Mat 5:43 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'

Principle: Mat 5:44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Mat 5:45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

Action: Mat 5:48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Consider Jesus’ teaching on marriage, adultery, divorce, and putting away a wife without giving her a certificate of divorce. What was the precept? What was the principle? What action should be taken?

Freebie Thoughts:

Marriages fail. Big time. The lifetime risk of divorce is around 40% for people who even bother to get married. Why? Any good team, from business to basketball, has a mission in which everyone is invested. Marriages need to be more than just being happy—they need to have a mission statement; a goal. Marriage needs to bring a couple closer to Christ. Marriage with a mission is critical. 

Marriages need to behappiness AND holiness. Without a mission statement that puts God first, selfishness will creep in. Without a mission statement, when times get rough, couples start looking out for number one—they have no higher goal to fall back on. They split apart when it gets tough, instead of holding tighter.

By the way, the spouse you marry won't be the same person in five years, guaranteed. People change. God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Gen 2) In order to help one another, there has to be a goal. Pick a spouse whose goal is to "grow in respect to salvation," (1 Pet 2) 

Want a good marriage? Pick a spouse with an eternal goal that "there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment." (1 Cor 1)

 

Marriage has to be about more than happiness—it has to be about holiness. If marriage is just based on happiness (s/he makes me happy/money is good/what a hottie), it's easily threatened. At some point, you'll be unhappy with your spouse, because people change. Sometimes it's short term—stress or the like—and sometimes it's long term, like spiritual growth.

One thing's for sure, if you pick Mr. Right, it's very possible that, if you're just looking for happiness, you can meet Mr. Righter. Cheating happens pretty easily these days, too. It's easy to get some affection from guys or girls on Facebook, or from someone at the office. It's easy to say, "Wow, this person is so much more attractive in this way...I may have settled too soon."

C.S. Lewis called courage "the form of every virtue at the testing point." When you're unhappy with your spouse and Satan sends you, "Option B for your bed, who's a little nicer right now," it's critical to have a marriage with a mission. What's that mission? Being holy. As Eph 5:22-32 says, marriage is to make us more like Christ. It's to be courageous. It's a commitment sustained through discipline.

Marriage is designed to show the relationship between Christ and His bride, which is the church. It is meant to show endless love, and incredible respect. " So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies...and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Eph 5) That's so much easier to do when you have a marital mission built around Christ.

Who's your best friend in marriage? (Careful!)

I've once had a gal tell me, "You're my best friend and soulmate." I was deeply touched by the sentiment, but this thought made it necessary to pull back from the deep friendship. She had a man already, and they had a kid, although both came along long into our friendship.

Song of Solomon says, "“I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me." This is absolutely critical to a good marriage. Allowing another person other than your spouse to fill the role of best friend and soulmate, such as it is, spells disaster. When God says that in marriage, two become one, we should never attempt to break off a part of that one and attach it to a separate entity.

(Yes, I knows, says the unmarried man. wink emoticon )

Precept, principle, and action—Jesus responds to divorce.

Some Pharisees tried to stump Jesus on divorce in Mark 10. Check out how important this is:

-They asked him, testing him, "Is it lawful for a husband to put away his wife?" And answering, He said to them, "What did Moses command you?"

-And they said, "Moses permitted us to {both} write a document of divorcement and to put her away."

-Jesus answering, said to them, "He wrote this commandment for you because of your hardness of heart. But God made them male and female from the beginning of the creation. Because
of this, a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife; and the two will
become one flesh, so-that they are no more two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has yoked
together, let no man put asunder."

God says here that He has allowed divorce, though not mere "sending a wife away," because people have hard hearts. Instead of trapping one spouse with someone who has decided that they were useless trash, He permitted a woman to be given divorce papers so that she could start over with a clean slate.

Jesus routinely answered with a pattern of "Precept-Principle-Action." The precept is the command; the law." The Law allowed for divorce. The principle is the primary truth and driving force—in this case, don't have a hard heart! Love one another. And the action was this, "Let not man put asunder."

Divorce is not nominal. It's tragic. It's horrific. We should strive with all of our soul to avoid becoming hard-hearted, and to avoid divorce.

What did Jesus actually say about divorce?

Jesus said this on divorce: “It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce’; 32 but I say to you that everyone who [a]divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a [b]divorced woman commits adultery." (Mt 5:31-32 NASB)

Notice that the text has markers [a] and [b]. Why? In this case, the text was taken from Biblegateway's NASB translation. Those markers indicate that the translators have made a change to the text, and the word used is not actually "divorce." That should make you stop and think. So what is the proper translation? Let's look at the literal of v32:

"But I say unto you, that every one that putteth away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, maketh her an adulteress: and whosoever shall marry her when she is put away committeth adultery."

Jesus was speaking to Jews, so we should go the the Jewish Law on divorce to understand what He was expressing. Specifically, Deut 24:1-4 informs us about the Law on divorce. v1-2 say,

“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife."

Divorce was accomplished through a legal paper of divorcement, known as a "get." Without that paper, a woman was still married, and so lying with another man was adultery. Sending a wife away without a "get" was known as "putting away," and was a terrible thing to do to a woman, as it stripped her of her ability to remarry. The New and Old Covenants both taught that those who are not married (including someone legally divorced) are allowed to remarry.

Questions about divorce and remarriage.

There is a notion in some of Christianity that, should a person be divorced for a reason other than adultery, he/she can never remarry. Today we'll look at 1 Cor 7. It opens saying that each man and woman are to have their own spouse, "because of immoralities." (1-2) Verses 3-5 discuss the need for sex in marriage.

In 6-7, Paul remarked that he wished that some could practice celibacy as he did, "however, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that." So Paul indicated that indeed, some do not have the gift to be celibate. In verse 9, he then says that it is better to let these people marry than to see them burn.

Questions to consider:

1.) Who is allowed to have a spouse? God says the unmarried. Is a divorced person married? (v1-2)

2.) Are we taking way God's tool to help people avoid fornication if we tell someone who is not married (divorced, widowed, etc.) that they cannot remarry? (6-9)

3.) Did Paul, however, admonish the married to stay together? "Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released." (v27)

4.) Does Paul indicate that a person who is a Christian, but already married to an unbeliever, should not leave that unbelieving spouse (12-16) just because they are not Christian?

4.) However, for those who are not yet married, does he say to "marry only in the Lord?" (39)

A suitable helpmate...for what?

In Genesis, God describes a good partnership in marriage as being that of a "suitable helper."  In Luke 10, Jesus told His disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." (v2)

When looking for a spouse, what's your primary concern? Mine's to get a fellow laborer for Christ, who is thus truly an ideal helper in the work for God! 

How to smooth out a rough marriage.

How can marriages last? How can people get along for so many years? Nowadays people often get tired of each other's foibles and get divorced. I like something that God said, and I've been considering it in the context of marriage:

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8)

A humble spirit of appreciation showing true love through action can smooth out the roughest times of a marriage. <3

Samson's undoing.

Solomon was the wisest man ever, and yet he failed. Samson was strong beyond what we can ever be, and yet he failed. The common denominator was those that they let close to their hearts. Judges 14 records the beginning of Samson's fall. Ol' Sammy saw a hottie and told his parents to get her for him, and they replied, "“Is there no woman... all our people, that you go to take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?” 

But Samson said to his father, “Get her for me, for she looks good to me.”

"Looks good to me," is like, "if it feels good, do it," or, "if it makes you happy, go for it." Let's not make the mistake that Samson and Solomon made. Let's aim for holiness first, and God's strength. The wisest man and the strongest man will both fall if they reject God's plan. 

What's most notable about Solomon?

What is most notable about Solomon isn't that he was so wise, but that he failed. 
"For it came about when Solomon was old, his wives turned his heart away after other gods; and his heart was not wholly devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been." (1 Kings 11:4)

I once knew someone who knew the Bible inside and out, but was having a hard time leaving sin behind. He told me, "I have all the Biblical resources, leaders, and friends I need to manage my life, so I don't need or want help." In many ways, we can become like Solomon: all the wisdom and spiritual resources in the world, but they amount to nothing if we aren't using them to actively grow.

Solomon's romantic partners caused him to fall away, but ultimately he could have heeded this advice, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." (James 4:8) Let's make sure we're not living two lives, and let's remember that there is no provision to "remain at the same distance from God." There is drawing near or falling away. Pick the right one. 

Who should Christians marry?

-----------A Variety of Options-----------

For THEIR work:  As I've grown as a young Christian man, the joy has been great, but there has also been a mix of creeping horror and sadness growing inside me. When I was less like Christ, who I dated didn't matter to me—atheist, lukewarm, whatever.  All I cared about was how much spark there was. And now that I want to date a Christian, I see that many are taken by non-Christians, as I used to be, and it is scary.

God says, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for THEIR labor." (Eccl 4:9)  Notice that this is a mutual labor toward a common goal—both working for God. When we pick non-Christian mates, Satan knows that Ecclesiastes 4:9 is no longer such a threat to him. Don't pick a non-Christian mate and deprive another Christian of the blessing that you are in Christ. Don't let Satan fracture the church at our most intimate level. 

Marriage most closely resembles the relationship between Christ and the church. Let your marriage here be resemble that, too. Pick a Christian. 




Things that settle drift to the bottom: I used to be happy dating non-Christians because God says, "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17) Iron which is sharpened is having itself changed at a fundamental level, and I was a Christian with bad habits that I didn't want to give up. Picking people of the world, I knew that I didn't have to worry about being sharpened and changed.

Pick solid, Christian partners, and embrace the change that we make in one another. Let yourself be sharpened, the rust of the world shaved off. Become a better weapon for Christ in the fight against Satan.

(Things that settle tend to slowly drift downward toward the bottom. Don't settle for anything less than excelling still more.)

Satan’s offer that you can refuse: Satan offers us boyfriends and girlfriends that fulfill all of our fleshly desires.  I once knew this girl who meant the world to me; my heart beat faster every time we talked, and I wanted nothing more than to feel the comfort of holding her in my arms. She wanted to marry me, too.  I studied the Bible with her for three years, and she never believed.  I always said no to dating her, and it was always painful.

I knew that this girl would make me happy—Satan knew that, too. But she would not make me happy and holy. We would never build the Kingdom together, and I'd not get to spend eternity with her. I said no to something which would make me happy, but hobble me spiritually, because God promises,

"House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD." (Pro 19:14) Satan offers us something eternally and infinitely inferior to what God can give. Will you wait and trust God, or go for Satan's tempting offer? 

What’s more beneficial? God challenges the church not to simply ask, "Is it okay?" but instead to ask, "Is it beneficial?" (1 Cor. 10:23). What is more beneficial to His Kingdom and the souls that are lost in need of saving: marrying a Christian, and giving him or her the benefit of all that you have to offer in Christ, or marrying a non-Christian, and having your talent wasted?

What is more beneficial: a spouse who will help you raise your children to believe in God, or one who won't? One who will bring people into your home and study the Bible with them, or one who won't? The knowledge that you'll spend eternity together, or knowing that one of you will forever be with Satan?

-----------New Testament Instruction-----------

It’s about marriage and more: 2 Cor 6:14 says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." Some will say, "God doesn't care about who you marry, because this doesn't say, 'don't marry unbelievers!'"  It's true that it doesn't say "marry," but that's because it's broader and more inclusive. Being yoked can happen emotionally before we know it—look at all the unmarried, live-in Christians. It includes marriage and more, and can be read as:

-Do not enter into inconsistent relations with those who reject the faith

-Avoid unsuitable connections with unbelievers

-Stop forming intimate and inconsistent relations with non-Christians

It's not about only marriage; it's about marriage and more.

But I love this person: As Christians, we're totally down with a lot of what God says.  "Don't murder, yep, I avoid that pretty well!" Other things, though, we try to ignore. One of them is 2 Cor 6, which says, "DO NOT be unequally yoked with unbelievers...what fellowship has light with darkness?"

We look at the non-Christian that we're falling for and say, "But I love this person," while ignoring God saying, "Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals." (1 Cor 15:33) Can you imagine Christ being bound to Satan? We have Christ in us, so why would we make that choice? Don't let your feelings overpower your love of God. Binding yourself to a non-Christian doesn't show love, it shows a disregard for God, and a casual disregard for that person's eternity.

Spend your time making new Christians and put the romantic feelings on the back burner. It'll let you experience true romance with someone in Christ in the future.

Take all the couples: Take all the Christian couples you know, and imagine life if only one from each couple were a Christian. What would the church look like?  God sent the animals into the ark two-by-two, male and female (Gen 7:9).  Jesus sent out the first disciples in twos (Mark 6:7).  

Satan offers us non-Christians so that we will never be "two-by-two." He is a master at dividing and conquering. Don't let him, because it's an offer you CAN refuse.

Don’t! "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers," covers a lot more ground than just marriage. Consider some other ‘do not' passages found in the New Testament:

Matt 4:7 - Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'

Matt 6:2 - "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets..."

Rom 6:11-13 - "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness..."

Let's answer a few questions. Is it OK to put the Lord to the test? Is it OK to announce our giving with trumpets? Is it OK to let sin reign in our mortal body? The unequivocal answer to all of these questions is a resounding NO! Why then would we believe it is OK to be unequally yoked to an unbeliever? It is not. We do ourselves a grave disservice when we kick against the goads, when we contravene a direct command of the scriptures. And in doing so, we harm ourselves and those around us.

Do you agree? In 1 Cor 6:14, Paul gives the example of a believer having sexual relations with a prostitute. The resulting union joins Christ to a prostitute. Likewise, the joining of a Christian and a non-Christian joins Christ to an unbeliever.

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be!"

God says, "May it never be!" Do you agree with Him?

Run the race. Hebrews 12:1 says, "let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."

Christianity is a race, and we are blessed with the opportunity to run it with a partner. It's very important to pick it with a partner that's running toward the same finish line. If we choose a partner who is not Christian, we ignore God who said in Eph 5:7, "Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord." 

Pick your partner in this race wisely, that you may be united in Christ, and that there "be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment." (1 Cor 1:10)

But what if… Since God says for Christians to stay married to non-Christians (1 Cor 7:12-16), does that mean He doesn't mind if we marry them?*  As it turns out, that section of 1 Cor 7 is fundamentally unable, by itself, to answer the above question. Why?

-The QUESTION addresses an unmarried Christian who is single and has the option to marry; 

-Whereas 1 Cor 7:12-16 discusses the recently-converted Christian whose spouse has not yet obeyed God, in which case God says, "Wait, don't divorce and remarry. You believed, so give your spouse a reason to believe, too, and try and win them. They may soon follow you to Christ!" 

*Note: If the non-Christians leaves, we're told to move on since we're, "not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace."

Be holy! Over and over in the New Testament, we are enjoined to "be holy."  Holiness in this context means separation from the world. We have a different standard that governs all of our relationships, but especially that of marriage. Consider Paul's direction to widows:

"A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." (1 Cor 7:39)

This is neither encouragement nor suggestion, but an easily understood command. "...he must belong to the Lord."  Disciples marry disciples. Also, since the purpose of dating is to find a lifelong soul mate (it shouldn't be just to avoid boredom or have a face to suck on), it only follows that Christians date Christians only.

This right we have. "Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?" (1 Cor 9:5)

Who did God give Paul and others the right to marry—other believers. Can you imagine an apostle preaching great messages, and then going to a pagan celebration and picking a pagan wife? How about us? What if I taught at family camp, and then went to a bar and picked up a hot bartender(ess?)? As God says, "May it never be!"

-----------Spiritually Destroying Families and Children-----------

A shared goal. Why would you want to date someone where it could lead to marriage—the closest human relationship you could ever have, when Jesus, who is closest to you personally, they don’t share with you? If your goal was to travel to New York, would you get on a train going to Chicago? It's much the same with dating: why get on a relationship not traveling toward God?

God said believers would be divided from those who didn't even in families, and it is the same for romance: "For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Mt 10:35-37)

Helping your children. Where do you want your kids to end up? This is an incredibly important aspect in dating, which leads to marriage. In Mark 9, God says that if we cause little children to stumble in their belief, that it would be better for us to be drowned in the ocean. With that in mind, what do you think that picking a spouse who does believe in God does to a kid? Consider these government statistics:

-If the mother is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 17% probability that everyone in the household will follow.

-If the father is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 93% probability that everyone in the household will follow.

Would you want your boyfriend of girlfriend to cause a child who believes to stumble? How much less so your spouse?

Some other stats:

If mother and father attend assembly/"church" regularly:

33% of their children will end up attending church regularly

25% of their children will end up not attending at all

If mother attends church regularly. Father does not attend church at all:

2% of their children will end up attending church regularly

60% of their children will end up not attending at all

If father attends church regularly. Mother does not attend church at all:

44% of their children will end up attending church regularly

34% of their children will end up not attending at all

Don’t cause people to stumble! We're told not to make little kids or those new in Christ stumble. We're also told to not be partnered with unbelievers. That's easy to understand. Consider the following:

-If a little kid sees me preaching on Sunday, but drunk with friends in a facebook post, could that cause him to stumble?

-If a youngin' sees me as a leader in Christ, but also sees that I've got a girlfriend who isn't a Christian, could that cause him to stumble? What if he sees that I give in to her worldly proclivities and get drunk with her and stuff?

How can we give our children the best shot they can hope for at eternal life?

-----------Understanding the Threat Using the Old Testament-----------

Better than Ezra? Since the Old Testament contains a shadow of the spiritual reality for us today, it provides us a pattern to help us understand marriage between those in Christ and those not; in fact, it is actually pretty direct about marrying unbelievers. Ezra 10 specifically forbids God's people from marrying "foreign wives," and considered it unfaithfulness to God:

"Then Ezra the priest stood up and said to them, "You have been unfaithful; you have married foreign women, adding to Israel's guilt. Now make confession to the LORD, the God of your fathers, and do his will. Separate yourselves from the peoples around you and from your foreign wives."  (v10-11)

Wisdom of Nehemiah.  Among Nehemiah's various reforms, the Israelites set this down as a binding agreement:  "We promise not to give our daughters in marriage to the peoples around us or take their daughters for our sons."  Later in the rebuilding, when Nehemiah became aware of specific cases of intermarriage, he had this to say:

"Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel sinned? Among the many nations there was no king like him. He was loved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel, but even he was led into sin by foreign women. Must we hear now that you too are doing all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women?"  (Nehemiah 13:23-27)

God considered it unfaithfulness and wickedness to take those who were not part of His people as spouses. Would it be wise to do it today? Would it be beneficial to the Kingdom?

God has always been serious. Numbers 25 tells us that Israel caused great damage by taking on companions who weren't of God. In part it says, 

"The Lord was angry against Israel. The Lord said to Moses, “Take all the leaders of the people and execute them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the fierce anger of the Lord may turn away from Israel.”  So Moses said to the judges of Israel, “Each of you slay his men who have joined themselves to Baal of Peor.”

In the end, 24,000 of God's people died for partnering with unbelievers. This issue can destroy the church in one generation, yet it is socially acceptable and goes unnoticed.  Do you understand why God has always treated it seriously?

Close to our hearts. Satan wants to be as close to our heart as he can, so that he can corrupt it so it.  What is closer to your heart than your romantic partner? And that's why  the general tone of scripture from Genesis to Revelation has been against those of God marrying or otherwise partnering with those not of Him (OT examples: Genesis 6:2; 24:3; 26:34-35; 28:1; Exodus 34:11-16; Deuteronomy 7:1-5; Judges 14:1-3; 1 Kings 11, etc.).

Physical Israel had a pattern of taking non-believers as companions and, afterward, suffering death, exile, and destruction. Even Solomon, the wisest of men, was led astray and fell due to picking spouses not of God. Don't make that mistake.

-----------Will You Be Wise Or Foolish?-----------

The Kingdom Proton. In the sermon on the mount, Jesus admonished his disciples to put the kingdom of Christ “first” (proton) in their lives. The adverb suggests that the interests of the Lord should be “above all” else. Can anyone honestly contend that the child of God who unites himself with the unbeliever in the most intimate of all human relationships is granting the reign of Christ the most exalted place in his or her life?

If you are still blessed enough to have the option to get out of a dating relationship with a non-Christian, would you take it? What would please God? What puts the Kingdom first? And lastly, don't you have enough faith to trust that He will give you a companion who makes you just as happy as your non-Christian one, but with great spiritual blessings? If you aren't married yet, find yourself a person who will bring you closer to God, who will help you please God.

Jesus said, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." There is so much work to be done. Pray for a helper in it, just like Jesus did.

As for me and my house. In Joshua 24:15 there is a beautiful message:

"And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served [in other places]...But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”

Imagine how much less powerful that verse would be if it said, "But as for me, and....no one else in my house, I am the only one will serve the Lord." So many Christian families these days cannot say that their house will serve the Lord, and it's very often a deliberate choice they make to marry those who will not, which later on ends up with kids who do not believe.  Choose to build the strongest family you can!

Emotions over all?  Being in love is an insane feeling—your heart is head-over-heels for someone. But God warns, ""Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) Have you ever met that non-Christian that you just fall for—he or she is just ALL that, emotionally, physically...not a Christian, but EVERYTHING else is perfect?

I have. I don't think there is ANY greater temptation. To me, that person has SO MUCH potential! I want to start the relationship NOW so that I don't miss any time feeling that love. But God tells me not to, and it isn't a big shocker that Satan wants us to fall for those who SEEM like they can be the best ever to us, "and no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light." (2 Cor 11:14)

Work ceaselessly to make those who aren't in Christ a part of the Kingdom, but don't be tricked by your emotions. Guard your heart (emotions). Give if to other Christians, not to someone who you hope will maybe, one day, become one.

Getting out of a relationship. Sometimes Christians recognize that they're in spiritually poisonous relationships, and they think "I need to get out!" But often, it drags out over months with lots of tears and confusion. They've become emotionally attached, so it's hard to leave. They get guilt-tripped to stay. Let's look at how Jesus handled a poisonous relationship with Judas:

"As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him, "What you are about to do, do quickly." (John 13:27)

Jesus saw that the relationship would not improve, so He pushed to have it end quickly. We should do the same. Like setting a broken bone, it shouldn't be dragged out over months, but rather done quickly and decisively. Only then can the healing process begin.

Sleeping around. I need to say something about sleeping around.  Take two pieces of duct tape and press the sticky faces together. Trying to pull them back apart is nearly impossible, and causes damage to the pieces. However, if you take another two pieces of tape and stick them to a chair, the floor, etc., the glued side will soon be covered with junk.  If you press those pieces together, they might stick, but it will be easy to separate them again.

The same thing happens when a person has lots of sex outside of marriage. He makes bonds physically, emotionally, and spiritually with another person, but the relationship doesn’t last and the two are torn apart. The first time is often incredibly painful (lots of tears and bad feelings). This process repeats, maybe with a "rebound." They break up. The pain is there, but it is not as bad as the first time. With each succeeding relationship, the bond becomes weaker and weaker. When the person  finally doe does attempt to bond in marriage, there is so much baggage—so much junk—that it's difficult for the relationship to stick, but easy for the two partners to be torn apart.

Ideally, a man or a woman should only bond with his or her spouse. God expressed it like this: "Drink water from your own cistern and fresh water from your own well...Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love." (Proverbs 5:15-19)

How to Prevent a Tsunami of Bitterness or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love.

BQ:  What should you do if you feel yourself becoming upset with someone? Proverbs 17:14 says, "The beginning of strife is like releasing water;  Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts."

Don't even let that floodgate open. Once it does, the angry words that surge out erode the walls of a good relationship, leaving lasting scars. When I feel like I'm being hurt, I go to Luke 6:28, which says, "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." When I'm praying for the good of someone, I find that I can't get angry. If possible, I try to have them pray with me.

BQ: Have you ever had a brother or sister in Christ that you couldn't stand? That feeling isn't good, but it is a blessing because it's like a klaxon going off to warn you that your spiritual health is damaged. 1 John 2:11 explains, "But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes."

While an unkindness may cause you to feel anger in response, God tells us, "Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath." (Eph 4:26) Don't let a feeling of quick anger be anything more than that. Put a damper on it immediately, and focus on walking in the light with whoever has hurt you, so that you don't end up by yourself in the darkness.

BQ: Have you ever called someone a bad name? Told them to go to hell? The second we let that bitterness toward a person exist, God isn't even interested in us trying to follow Him in other ways—not until we fix the flaw of inner hatred.. Instead, he tells us,

"Whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." (Mt 5:22-24) 

If you have a brother or sister that you're not reconciled with, don't let it ride. Give your best effort to love them. Suck up your pride and be kind. You might not win your brother, but you will have tried your hardest, and you will be able to say that Romans 12:18 applies to you. "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men."

Too Hard to Find a Christian?

I recently saw a preacher say that it's ok for Christians to marry non-Christians because, "It is very difficult to find a Christian, and God sanctifies the marriage, and wants you happy."  

It stuck me that something is wrong if we think it's "too hard to find a Christian." It's like saying, "look, Satan has a fine selection, and looking for something God offers takes too long and is tedious and might never happen.  Let Satan make you happy!" 





BQ: When you're surrounded by the world, it can be really tempting to date and/or marry the world, too. Much like a man of God living in Canaan, there can seem to be little in the way of Godly options. But Abraham was in that position, and when talking to a manager of his house, he put forth a good example for us, saying,

"I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."  (Genesis 24:2-4)

It is far better to spend time looking for a truly good helper for Christ, and to go great lengths to find him or her, than to settle for a knockoff that Satan puts out, even if the knockoffs outnumber the genuine 1,000,000 to 1.






BQ: Christians often put no emphasis on marrying/courting those who share the same faith, and at times it is pretty discouraging to me.  God describes the lost saying, "their flesh will rot while they stand on their feet, and their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongue will rot in their mouth." (Zech 14:12)

As Christians, we need, "put off [the] old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires," and joining ourselves to dead men walking doesn't accomplish that very well, but instead leads us back to the world.

Instead or dating spiritual zombies, we need to be saving them. Having a strong Christian helper is of incredible value, and that's why Genesis 2:18 says, "And Jehovah says, ' It is not good for the man to be alone, so I make for him a helper — as his counterpart.'"  Find your counterpart and heal the sick, but don't become one with them.







BQ: Lots of Christians are content giving their emotions to those who are spiritually dead, and it weakens their ability to be effective for Christ.  Beyond that, in marriage it leaves their children with mixed leadership. The non-Christian spouse leads toward Satan and being trapped by the world, while the other spouse leads toward God.

In Nehemiah 13:27, God said of His people marrying those who were not, "Must we hear now that you too are doing all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women?" 

God doesn't do this to restrict us, but rather to protect our spirits from life-ruining decisions.  Our effectiveness and happiness can be forever compromised if we take a partner that Satan happily hands us, rather than one who will be an effective teammate. Be effective, be faithful. :)






BQ: The truth is that there are a lot of zombies out there, and we need to avoid being unequally yoked with them. I don't know how to handle it exactly as well as I'd like, but I do refuse to give my emotional core to a person (fall in love with) someone who needs my spiritual help.

Instead, I put their eternity first and follow the advice of Matthew 28:19, which instructs us to, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."  In a world where most Christian ladies are taken, making new Christians isn't a bad deal, but putting "romance" before eternal life is just about the worst choice one can make.

Don't be unequally yoked. If push comes to shove, devote yourself to making a living stone which will be a great counterpart in your work for the Lord, and then do the yoking. Not before. :)

 

Building Houses and Marriages

BQ: When you're thinking about marriage, if you're single, how do you approach it?  Psalm 127:1 says, "Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it."

Many approach marriage with no particular plan. It's simply, "I think that I'll do this, because it will make me feel happy." Would any us think that a good house could be built if we never had a plan for how to build it?

Before we get married, we need to have plan for the purpose for our marriage, and what it should accomplish. If not, it'll tend to be a chaotic mess.






BQ: An upcoming marriage should be planned like a house: thought out before we start building, and with purpose.  Proverbs 24:3-4 gives us some instruction:

"By wisdom a house is built,

And by understanding it is established;

And by knowledge the rooms are filled

With all precious and pleasant riches."

If you're thinking about building a new life in marriage, what are you building it on? If you're building it simply on emotion, that's a shaky foundation that will change a ton over time. Instead, build it with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, and it will be a pleasant and rich one.






BQ: We saw that romantic emotions are insufficient for a good marriage in the long run, and that we need to plan. Just like building a house, we need a firm foundation. James 3:13-18 gives us some wisdom on how to plan our new life:

"Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. 

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Notice that again wisdom and understanding are mentioned. We'll look at this a bit at a time, but for now, plan your marriage to be full of gentleness. Too many relationships are filled with one partner yelling at the other, with harshness and not gentleness. Don't let that happen with yours.





BQ: We were looking at James 3, which gives perfect advice on how to manage our relationships. When planning on getting married, we have to look for some of the signs of spiritual illness that might be present, and fix them as soon as possible. 

"But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."

When people repeat something, it's to emphasize it. Notice that jealousy is repeated as something to avoid. That's an early warning sign that something isn't quite right, and we'll look more at it tomorrow.






BQ: In relationships, God warns against jealousy and selfish ambition. One early warning sign that something is sick in a relationship is if jealousy exists, and especially if it is purposefully precipitated.  

Watch out for those who seek to make you jealous while courting. It'll often take a very subtle form...maybe a subtle comment on a picture of someone of the opposite sex on facebook, maybe mentions of how pleasing past love interests were and how it's hard to find someone of their caliber. It'll often be plausibly deniable, and you might even doubt yourself—surely someone you have feelings for wouldn't make you feel insecure, right?

Avoid that. Ask yourself: do you feel like you have to be a detective to figure out if you're really the one your romantic interest is truly interested in? If you do, and if there is any jealousy, the relationship is sick, and is not yet solid ground to build a marriage on.







BQ: We've been looking at James 3 and applying it to planning a marriage. In part, it says, "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Notice all of the PEACE in that passage. It's all about being gentle. Not a pushover, but gentle, forgiving...yet unwavering. Look at you and your love interest. Do you seek to fight to be right?

Look for the warning signs. Does your interest purposefully use mean words to hurt you, to gain an upper hand. If so, don't pass it off as something normal. That's a sign of a deep, serious flaw in the very foundation of the character of a person, and like building a house, a cracked foundation will get worse if not addressed. 






BQ:  We saw that jealousy is horrible in a relationship, and so is strife. The opposite of those two things, really, is harmony. Often Christians will "fall" for someone of the world—someone captive to Satan. 

Have you ever been to a symphony? The harmony of the instruments is beautiful. They work together to accomplish a goal, which is pre-planned. But imagine if just ONE instrument were playing to a totally different song. It would sound horrible. Now imagine that there were only two instruments, and each were playing something exactly the opposite of the other. It would be horrible.

When you're picking your partner for life, pick the one that's singing to the same spiritual tune. Don't pick something that will be discordant and unplanned. Pick harmony.






BQ:  God also likens relationships to house building, saying in Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." In James 3, we saw that we get to choose wisdom from above, or earthly wisdom. Earthly wisdom is easily observed, and often comes in gross packages like, "90% of women choose a man based on the first kiss," or, "flat chests are like flat tires: worthless." 

Instead of picking someone based off those criteria, we should look at criteria from verse two, which notes that those "who walk in uprightness fear the Lord."  How spiritually beautiful is someone? How upright are they? 





BQ: When planning a house, and a marriage, we get our choice of foundation. We can choose a worldly partner, or one who is spiritually grounded. Jesus outlined our choices and said,

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.

Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.” (Mt 7:24-27)

Which foundation do you choose? One that will crumble in the end, or one that stands strong? It is not enough to pick a man or woman who merely hears the word—we must pick the one that shows through their labor that they are acting on it, too.






BQ: Gen 2 says in part,

"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him...  For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

When planning our marriages, we should be doing it because it is best if we are not alone, and best if we have help in our lives. The fact is, we NEED spiritual help, yet we often think of being a "helper" as an un-noteworthy role. Is it really a poor part to play? 

Psalm 54:4 should make it clear that we should all seek to be helpers, because, "Behold, God is my helper; The Lord is the sustainer of my soul."  Find the person that you'll help, complete, and sustain. 






BQ: The Song of Hiawatha, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, illustrated his take on marriage. It said, 

""As unto the bow the cord is,

So unto the man is woman,

Though she bends him, she obeys him,

Though she draws him, yet she follows,

Useless each without the other!""

God noted a similar take on things long before Longfellow, saying in Eccl 4:9-12,

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

When we act together, we can accomplish great things, and resist powerful adversaries. In your marriage, will you have three strands? We all can, if we choose: husband, wife, and God. The strongest of all bonds on this earth.






BQ:  For now, this will be our final look at building houses and marriages. Ultimately, what can make your marriage a solid one? There is one goal, that which if agreed upon, utterly negates selfish ambition and jealousy. 2 Cor 5:9 sums it up, saying,

"Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."

I'll leave you with five very basic tips for now to get your marriage started. They're so simple that anyone can do them.

1.) Determine the purpose for your marriage. To be merely happy (Satan can give you that for a seaon)? To be holy and happy? What is it?
2.) Set goals to accomplish that purpose—maybe just three to start.
3.) Make a plan to accomplish those goals. 
4.) Do the work to accomplish the plan.
5.) Pray and fast about it together, because peace exists in abundance while doing that.

7 Ways to Destroy a Marriage

1.) Stop communicating. 

Ephesians 5:23-30 says,

"For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body....Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her...So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;  for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body."

In life, our bodies constantly communicate with our heads, and vice versa. What happens if suddenly that communication stops? Usually paralysis, and if it's bad enough, death. Communication both ways is needed for the the organism to survive, and in marriage we are considered "one flesh" and thus one organism.  If you want to kill any relationship, stop communicating. It'll be dead before you know it.








2.) Confide in a friend of the opposite sex. 

What routinely kills marriages is one partner developing strong emotional bonds with someone of the opposite sex. This is true of any romantic relationship. If you need emotional support, go to your spouse. Your spouse must be your best friend. 1 Cor 13:4 reminds us that, "love does not envy," and if you're making your spouse jealous for the bond he/she wants to have with you, you're introducing something which is certainly not love. 

If you let someone else take the place of your partner emotionally, sexually, or physically, you're making a choice to tear down everything that you've built.









3.) Demean or insult your spouse.

Eph 5:29 points out that in a marriage, "no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church." If you are belittling your spouse instead of encouraging him/her, there's no nourishment going on. The relationship will grow as well as a plant watered with paint thinner, because insults and belittling statements cause envy and are utterly toxic. 

It's worth noting that comparing your spouse or romantic interest negatively to someone else is the absolute most deadly thing to do. "Well Jerry is more manly," or, "Jessica's a lot more feminine" shows that not only do you not appreciate the one you claim to love, but that you're thinking about someone else, too...and viewing them as a more desirable mate.








4.) Stop having sex.

Sex is a great thing which God has provided, and is an intimate thing between only you and your spouse. It is a bond that has been committed to with words, and, at a physiological level, even with chemicals. It you stop seeing it as important, your relationship will almost certainly head downhill, unless there is mutual apathy, in which case it's already in trouble. Look at the importance that God places on it in 1 Cor 7:3-5,

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

If you stop making love, you give Satan another avenue to tempt and try to destroy a marriage.







5.) Start keeping secrets.

I once saw a post that discussed relationships which were budding, and it said:

 “The Detective Rule”. "The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately. Remember your Constant? Do you play detective with them? Do you cyberstalk their Facebook page and question their every intention? No, of course not. So you know the common denominator is external."

God speaks in Job about trust, and there are two types which play out. In Job 11:18, there is trust that is solid, "“Then you would trust, because there is hope; And you would look around and rest securely."  Notice the confidence and ability to rest well and be at peace. On the other hand, if our spouse keeps secrets, we start to have "confidence that is fragile, and trust that is a spider's web."  (Job 8:14)

Don't keep secrets. You'll both be able to sleep easily at night.








6.) Spend lots of time around people who don't like your spouse or loved one.

I have seen this one happen a LOT.  Every time I've seen it, it's been the mother or father (or both) who hate who their child has married or is in love with. This is a recipe for disaster because, as Matthew 6:24 notes, "No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."

Suddenly the spouse will be trying to maintain the relationship with the friends or family who dislike who he/she has married, and in doing so, they have to subtly ally themselves with these individuals.  

If that happens, we need to remember that, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." (Gen 2:24)  A new family has been made, and bitterness from an old family cannot be present. The husband and wife must be one flesh, and must both refuse to allow an emotional war to take place. 








7.) Quit trying.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'" —Mary Radmacher 

If your goal is success, you must keep striving toward it. If neither partner gives up, success will result, but if just one partner gives up, destruction is guaranteed.  "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up...Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD of hosts." ( Gal 6:9 & Zech 4:6)

Responsibilites of a wife.

I'm starting a study on husbands and wives and their responsibilities. I have a few topics that I'm briefly looking at (not really sure how much I'll post here), but here's how I'm going to approach it; for now we're just looking at the wife: 

Wife's responsibilities:

Excellence

Submission

Respect

Companionship

Maintenance of the home environment 

Husband's responsibilities: 

Leadership

Love

Nourishment 

Cherishment (this word was used as late as 1913)

Excellence:
 

BQ: For today, let's start to look at excellence for the wife.  Her responsibility is to bring glory and honor to her family, and if she does her duty well, she will be a crown to her husband. If she fails, she can really cause some damage! Proverbs 12:4 says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." 

Speaking of that, even outside of the marriage, the woman is charged with bringing glory to men, just as men are charged with bringing glory to God. "For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man." (I Corinthians 11:7)

While we'll continue on tomorrow, it's important to realize that good marriages really need the husband to see his wife as an incredible blessing from God, and one of the greatest gifts in his life, constantly amazed that he has even been allowed to marry a woman so great. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord." (Pro 18:22) 

We'll discuss more on this tomorrow. 





BQ: So we're looking at the responsibilities of a wife, and we're digging into why she needs to be excellent. :) Today we'll look at how to define that more by taking a look at what the opposite of it might be.

To see what "not excellent is," let's look at Pro 9:13-18 in part, where Solomon describes the foolish woman. The woman of folly is boisterous,

She is naive and knows nothing.

She sits at the doorway of her house,

On a seat by the high places of the city,

Calling to those who pass by,

Who are making their paths straight:

Obviously this isn't an excellent wife, but rather a very foolish one. Of note to me is that, lacking excellence, she tries to bring others in with her, and that seems to be pretty common for people who aim low. Talk about lacking discretion. And to REALLY talk about lacking discretion, we can go to Proverbs 11:22, which says, As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion."

Looks just don't define an excellent wife. Even if every kiss did begin with Kay, putting one of their rings on a pig wouldn't enhance the pig or make it a better wife.  Likewise, a lady without excellence of character is not going to be enhanced by her physical beauty.





BQ: In defining an excellent woman, we've also looked at what the opposite is. Today we'll see a couple of other quick verses about less-than-awesome wives (and don't worry, these exist for men, too!). 

“It is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (Proverbs 21:9)

“It is better to live in a desert land, than with a contentious and vexing woman.” (Proverbs 21:19)

A contentious person is someone who likes to argue. God designed men to be leaders, and for women to help the men be leaders. Men often rely upon women for support, and that's one reason that woman is "the glory of man." 

The natural differences between the sexes can cause issues if not managed wisely, though. A woman may want to return to a problem passively many times, mulling it over in her mind, when the man may have already put it behind him, thinking that decisions were made and that the issue was dealt with. When not expressed healthily, this can leave the husband thinking that his wife is argumentative or nagging, even if it's not truly the case. Instead of pestering, let the decision play out. Often men realized when they've failed and will learn better by having the freedom to fall flat on their faces.





BQ: Proverbs 31:10-31 describes an excellent woman, so go read it, as I'm not posting it all here. I'd like to note a couple of important passages that we sometimes gloss over. In part they are:

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her;

So he will have no lack of gain."

A great relationship is defined by trust, and it's not simply a stagnant one. Instead, it leads to great gain. 

"She considers a field and buys it;From her profits she plants a vineyard...."

Women are to be good stewards of money. Often women are more inclined to go couponing, and when they've found one good deal, to return even it if they find a better one somewhere else. Men are honestly lazy sometimes. We'll go in, grab it if it doesn't seem like highway robbery, and leave—NEVER returning a purchase or spending hours up hours shopping for better deals. Women really help out their husbands by being great with money and wisely making purchasing decisions. 

"Her husband also, and he praises her”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,

But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

The best definition of a great woman is one who submits to the Lord. In order for a marriage to be truly great, though, the husband needs to make sure he's praising her for all that she is. 

Submission:

BQ: Uh oh...continuing to look at the role of wives, we're coming up to the topic of submission! Sound the alarm! Misogyny! Chauvinism! Sexism! Oh my!  Let's start off with scripture:

"Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.” (Gen 3:16)

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." (Col 3:18)

"But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." (1 Cor 11:3)

Submission complements authority. In order for society to function, we rely on some submission to authority. In the military, I submit to my superiors. However, that does not mean that I can go around breaking laws based off of the requirement that I submit to them. 

The same is true for women and men. The family functions best with the man as the leader, but women are only to submit to them as is fitting in the Lord. If a man wants the wife to do something that God wouldn't do, then that's game over there. But if he is leading her in a Godly direction, it will be naturally fulfilling to submit to that direction, anyway! 





BQ: More on submission. Sometimes people think it's a forced thing, and it's not. We'll look at the negative state of it to pull out a more positive note:

"A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike; 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, And grasps oil with his right hand." (Pro 27:15-16) 

A husband cannot MAKE his wife submit, nor should he try to. Instead, his own Godly example should be appealing. His leadership should make her want to follow him, and he should pick a wife who will want to go where he's going—marching onward to Zion!



Respect:

BQ: Wives need to respect their husbands, and husbands need to love their wives. For an awesome lesson on this by Luke Wilson, listen here: http://www.newcreation.us/podcasts/Marriage-Family-Part05.mp3

 "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Eph 5:33)

Respect is something that we've studied before, and it boils down to valuing something. If you have something that you value highly, you'll think about it often, take care of it, and sing its praises. Imagine owning an Aston Martin (or a...some piece of fine jewelry; I'm not a lady so this is hard for me).  Would you find yourself pointing out its flaws all the time, or treating it like some old beater? Probably not. 

Remember to value and respect your husbands. And listen to that podcast, because Luke says it way better than I can! 



Companionship:

BQ: Wives need to give their husbands companionship. As much as we act tough (and are!), we also have a desire to have a companion. 

In Genesis 2:18-23, God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, and so He created a helper for him. Men are not meant to live lives of isolation, and wives are the solution.

In Titus 2:4-5, older women are told to teach younger women how to "phillio" their husbands, which is a form of love shown between best friends. You'd think that this would come naturally, but apparently sometimes ladies need to be taught this.  "Admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."

In Acts 20:35, we learn that it is "more blessed to give than to receive."  It is not just what you can get out of marriage that's important, but what you put into it. Giving reflects the Christian attitude of service to others. The husband should bring to the relationship his devotion to his wife, and his wife should give him fully the companionship that he needs.

 


Housekeeping:

BQ: In both Titus 2:4-5 and Proverbs 31, we saw that God appointed women as keepers of the house. This makes sense, as men are usually equipped to be our working and providing for the family. This command is sometimes looked at as being pretty demeaning today, but it isn't. In fact, it's something that women are usually better at. Anyway, read Proverbs 31 again. 

Just as the husband is responsible for the incoming funds on which the family operates, the wife is responsible for managing the outflow of those funds. We saw before that the wife is noted as using the money to buy wisely, and now I'd like to point out that she's also compared to a fleet of merchant ships (Proverbs 31:14). God puts a lot of association between the wife and the smart use of finances.  

  “She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness.” (Proverbs 31:27). Wives cook and manage the entire household, (Proverbs 31:15), monitor the finances, (Proverbs 31:18), and make sure that there is extra money to help those in need (Proverbs 31:20). They also make sure that their children are clothed and taught. (Proverbs 31:21-22, 26). 

Lastly, it is noted throughout that the wife has incredible power, as she can set the tone not just for herself, but for the entire household. This is an incredibly weighty assignment, and one that husbands should help in, just as the wives should help the husbands. 

Mini-devotionals on marriage.

Various Thoughts on Marriage

Submitting to a Husband

BQ: In a Bible study I was having with a girl recently (solicited at her request, which made me happy), she mentioned wanting to assemble with the saints, but not wanting to disrespect her husband, as he might not appreciate her doing it. It is true that God tells wives to submit to their husbands (and there is much more that can be said about that in the opposite direction), but should they skip assembly because a husband does not like it?

No. God commands that we submit first to Him in all things. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18)."  Ideally the wife will have married a man who is after God's own heart. Regardless of who she has married, she must submit to God over man. PN372

Spiritual Adultery

BQ: God is described as "jealous" at some points. Why is this?

Jealousy can be a vice (Gal 5:9), but it can also be godly (2 Cor 11:2). Throughout the Bible, God is presented as a compassionate spouse. He becomes full of incredibly sadness when His people leave him. "My heart is turned over within Me, all my compassions are kindled" (Hos 11:8).

When jealousy is used in regards to God, it is associated with people worshiping false gods. God has suffered the pain of his spouse repeatedly cheating, and explains in Eze 6:9, "How I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me, and by their eyes which play the harlot after their idols."  He explains that loving the world instead of Him is adultery. (Jms 4:4)

One interesting reason that God is torn hurt by an adulterous people is because He wants us to come to Him, where there is eternal life. As He says in Jer 2:13, "for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." God wants dearly for us to partake of living waters; it is incredibly painful when we cheat on Him and desiccate our souls. PN374

Apathy in Marriage?

BQ: If one spouse cheated on the other, and the other spouse was indifferent, would it suggest love? Of course not. Apathy doesn't care.

One aspect of God's desire to be in a covenant relationship with His people is that He does care. God's jealousy not only shows that He cares, but is also often longsuffering. His anger is reluctant. "Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? Why will you die, O house of Israel?  For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord God; so turn, and live.” (Eze 18:23;31-32) 

In the book of Amos, as well as many others, God repeatedly attempts to get His people to return to Him, yet the response is so often, "Yet you have not returned to Me." Sometimes people present God's anger as prideful and arrogant, yet we see that He shows great love, vulnerability, and reluctance to give up on anyone. God is the ultimate forgiver.  PN375

Bringing Happiness to a Wife

BQ: Marriages in America so often fail. What interesting command did God give newlywed Israelites, and how does it apply to marriages today?

"When a man has taken a wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5).

God recognized the importance of spouses devoting time to one another and building bonds that would last a lifetime, to the point that soldiers were released from duty to accomplish it. Today newly-married couples often don't devote extra time to their marriages, instead allocating it to the worries of the world just as they had before it was married. This leads to problems down the road. 

It's important to grow spiritually together and to bring each other great happiness. Grow deep roots while there is a chance. :) PN376

Had a Marriage Fail?

  BQ: Have you ever had a marriage fail? Has it made you feel like a failure or like you're not worth much? 

One thing I need to point out: if you've had this happen but you've been putting God first, great things can come of it, and it does NOT mean that you're a failure. God discusses the worst of hardships, and look at what He says:

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written,“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long; We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:31;35-37)

Look at that horrible list, and yet to God, that's a sign of an overwhelming conqueror. Being cheated on by the person you trust most in this physical life is certainly one of the worst tribulations, but it's no reason to think that you're a failure. In fact, it might be a sign that you're an overwhelming conqueror! 

 And to top it all off, "We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God." (Rom 8:28) Sing and be happy, overwhelming conqueror! We're in this together, and with the best ally ever on our side!  PN377

Preparing Children for Marriage

BQ: The rate at which marriages fail in America these days is quite saddening. One reason they fail is inadequate preparation and instruction of one or both of the spouses during their childhoods.  God thought it was important, saying, "The older women likewise...admonish the young women to love their husbands." (Titus 2:3)

This applies to men as well. Inadequately prepared children later on become adults and then fail to succeed in marriage. When two people grow up with parents who fall flat in regards to loving one another, this inadequate preparation tends to flow to the next generation. 

We need to make a concerted effort to educate our children on love. These days most people are too busy working to give much focus on teaching their kids. In Deut 6:6, God indicated that it's best to spend a great deal of time teaching children: "You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." PN378

Marriage and the Actions of Men

BQ: In a marriage, how should a husband treat a wife? Modern society has warped the inherent biologic differences of men and women, to the point that some consider it offensive that one would even say that there are differences at all. It's all about who a person "feels" they are.  Feelings are never a basis for truth, and this attitude can lead to the failure of relationships. 

Why can it lead to failure? When I worked in the oil field, none of our crews had any women on them. Recently, the Marines had to revise rules allowing women to serve, since more than half of the female marines couldn't do three pull-ups. Women and men are biologically different and serve different roles, yet they're both important. 

In regards to the above, God says this, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Pet 3:7) If we really want our relationships to succeed, we need to focus on fulfilling our respective roles, and men need to step up to the plate and be men. A large part of that is showing understand and honor to our wives and realizing how beautiful and valuable they are. Failing to do that damages not only our physical relationships, but our relationship with God. PN379

Loving Your Wife

BQ:  How much should a man love his wife, and how should a wife respond? Let's look at two aspects.

1.) Husbands should love and care for their wives as they do for their own bodies. Wives should respect their loving husbands: 

 "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph 5:28-29;33)"

2.) Beyond even the above, husbands need to love their wives sacrificially, being willing to give even their lives for them: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. (Eph 5:25)"

It's important that a potential husband will take his responsibility to love and care for his wife seriously, and it's important that brides make sure that their potential husband will model their marriage after Christ's relationship with the church.  That sort of love is ultimately respectable. PN380

Look But Don’t Touch?

BQ: My dad has long maintained that it's ok to "look as long as you don't touch," and even has a "three-second rule," where he says when you're taking your wife/girlfriend on a date, it's ok to stare at another woman for three straight seconds if she's attractive. A lot of husbands take this approach. Is it ok?

No, and Jesus clarified, saying, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Mt 5:27-28)

Marital infidelity does not spontaneously spring up physically. A husband doesn't walk down the street and suddenly find himself fornicating. Rather, it begins in the mind through mental conditioning. It's a slippery slope that leads to the physical, so it needs to be put away at all costs. If you play with fire, you'll get burned. (Pro 6:27) And of course the same goes for wives.  PN381

Rash Wedding Vows

BQ: "Until death do us part" has taken on the meaning of, "Until I find someone that tickles my fancy." Lots of people get divorced and then remarry because they "love the new person more."  I've heard one person say that the first woman he married just wasn't his soul mate, but he still considered himself a follower of Christ after divorcing her for someone he 'fell for.' What does God say about making vows?

"It is a snare for a man to devote rashly something as holy, And afterward to reconsider his vows; When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools." (Pro 20:25; Eccl 5:4-5)

God takes the vows we make with incredible seriousness. He considers those in Christ (the church) to be married to Christ.  Imagine if He took the same casual view of marriage and decided to dump us because we weren't interesting enough anymore! 

Marriage is very serious and should be taken that way. Although the world considers divorce a casual standard, we cannot. PN382

Suitable Helpmate

BQ: During creation, God said 7 times, "It is good." One time He said, "It is not good," and that was because man was alone without a companion. What is the companion for man described as?

There's so much meaning in this verse: "Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will for him a suitable helpmate.” (Gen 2:18)

When I think about who I want to marry, I realize that I'm looking for someone who completes the puzzle that is me. Ultimately, I'm looking for my mate to help me in my life's mission. Since my primary mission is spiritual, my "suitable helpmate" must also be spiritually focused if she's going to fit in to my puzzle. I want my completed puzzle to resemble a picture of Christ, not the world. 

We get to choose what our puzzle ends up looking like, and the spouse we choose helps complete that picture. What picture are you aiming for? What is a "suitable helpmate" to you? PN383

An Inadequate Puzzle

BQ: Yesterday we saw that woman was designed to be an suitable helpmate for man.  In many ways this is akin to matching two pieces of a puzzle together. In selecting the puzzle piece to fit with us, we need to choose wisely. Please consider the following: 

"Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it." (Psalms 127:1)

I have seen so many people, including myself, try and build a house by focusing on the worldly side of things and picking partners who aren't spiritually sound. There is the temptation to say, "He/she makes me emotionally happy, so it's good enough!" It's like building a house on the side of a volcano and saying, "But every day the view is just STUNNING!" 

Overcoming this tendency is hard. For some reason we look at the world, see the poor state of it, and think that we should re-prioritize and put "spiritual health" of the people we're considering being involved with as one of the less-vital things to consider. 

When you're dating, how high on the list is being a spiritual leader? Are you really putting God first? Tomorrow we'll consider the importance of good fathers and how it impacts children. PN384

Stats on the Importance of Strong Christian Men

  BQ:  Today I'd like to focus on if it's important for women to select strong, spiritual husbands.

I knew one girl who dated a guy who called himself a Christian but certainly made no attempts to be at all like Christ. When I asked her if she thought it was a wise choice, she replied, "I can handle it!" Maybe, but what about your kids? Below are some statistics from government studies which show how important it is to choose husbands who are strong, spiritual leaders: 

If mother and father attend assembly/"church" regularly:

33% of their children will end up attending church regularly

25% of their children will end up not attending at all

If mother attends church regularly. Father does not attend church at all:

2% of their children will end up attending church regularly

60% of their children will end up not attending at all

If father attends church regularly. Mother does not attend church at all:

44% of their children will end up attending church regularly

34% of their children will end up not attending at all

If the mother is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 17% probability that everyone in the household will follow. 

If the father is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 93% probability that everyone in the household will follow. 

As you can see, it's important to pick a strong husband. Often Christians pick poor mates because they're picking impatiently and with spirituality being one of the lowest-ranking criteria. This sets up a tough future for the family. As 1 Cor 15:33 says, "Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” PN385

The Nature of Men

BQ: Today I'd like to explore the differences between men and women. Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." Gender, we see, is at the spiritual level. 

If we look at the record of creation, we'll notice that man was somewhat wild at heart, and in fact, man was created OUTSIDE of the garden of Eden, and then placed into the garden by God. The good men throughout the Bible had a desire to fight a battle, to succeed spiritually, and starting with the first man, there was a desire to have a female companion.

When God created Eve, she was greatly desired by Adam, and in good relationships, that needs to be present. Husbands should not forget that their wives want to loved and desired, that in fact they were created to help complete man. Husbands should also remember that women want to feel that they are worth being sought after, defended, and importantly, that their lives are worth sharing in. 

Based on the desires that were latent in the creation of men and women, women need to know that they're beautiful and worth being sought after for their capabilities, and men need to know that they are strong, competent leaders for their families. PN386

Hidden Love

BQ: A lady once told me about the person she was courting, "I love him, but I just don't feel like he truly loves me in return." This is a common problem in many relationships, especially marriages that are past the honeymoon stage, and it can  be an absolute killer.  God knew the gravity of such a situation and said, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." (Proverbs 27:5)

It has been said that there are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Get to know what makes your spouse feel most loved and make certain to love as a verb every day. Don't keep your love hidden, lest it seem to fade away. PN387

Shall Become One

BQ: Gen 2:23-24 says, "She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

When marriages fail, it's because at least one spouse does not see him/herself as being part of one flesh. Marriage beings with a commitment and is sustained by discipline.  One of my friends once said, "If a relationship begins with just sparks, it might end with sparks." It's a lot more work to stay in love than to "fall in love," because one is feelings that change, and the others are consistent, persistent actions—otherwise known as a form of work. 

If you're married, focus on maintaining your marriage and building each other up spiritually. If something is valuable,  it's better to perform preventative maintenance along the way than to wait until it falls apart and then try to salvage it. Remember, it's not just the other spouse at risk—God sees you as one flesh. PN388

A Selfless Relationship

BQ: Luke 6:35 says, "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High."

One aspect missing from many marriages is that of selflessness. Relationships can't be 50/50—they need to be 100/100, with each partner giving it all they have. Watch your expectations, that you don't let them ruin your appreciation. 

My friend Luke Wilson told me that there are four important four minute periods: the first four minutes in the morning, the last four minutes before work, the first four minutes after work, and the last four minutes before sleep. Some of those moments can be tired and make you want to be grumpy, but try to uplift your spouse and keep him/her encouraged. Things run a lot smoother with a little oil.  And if your spouse is stressed or grumpy, be loving anyway, and remember Luke 6:35. PN389

You Can Change You

BQ: Often marriages encounter times where one spouse is unhappy for any of a multitude of reasons, and the reaction is negativity and bitterness. The following is not always applicable, but it can help at times:

"Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye." (Matthew 7:1-5 in part)

Often a way to engender kind feelings is to take the approach of, "The problem with us is me."  The thing is, you cannot force your spouse to change, but it's easy to change yourself. Regardless of the outcome, taking the selfless, introspective, approach will lead to spiritual growth and integrity, and there is nothing more satisfying and healing than that. It is the best possible outcome. PN390

Child of Wrath

BQ: In a marriage, selfishness leads to bitterness and resentment, and is utterly opposed to appreciation. Have you ever felt those feelings toward your spouse while knowing that they were not deserved? What is this a symptom of?

The answer is in Ephesians 2:3, "Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest."

The solution to being a child of wrath is to put on the new self, and to completely get rid of that old man who is struggling to come back. Instead,  follow Jesus' example, who washed the feet of even Judas, his betrayer. Remember that, "it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." (Gal 2:20) Whether or not someone changes is binary: yes or no. If we behave as Christ, we can always say confidently that we gave it our best effort.  For me, at least, I'm able to sleep soundly as long as I can say that. PN391

Communication in Marriage

 BQ: In marriages, communication is worth its weight in gold. Not only that, but it's one of the most highly emphasized things in the Bible. Look at God's example of the Tower of Babel: simply by creating poor communication, God was able to terminate itt. On the other hand, Christ began His church with precise communication on the day of Pentecost. 

When you're considering your marriage, consider how important it is to communicate with your spouse. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." We have the power to create beautiful, vibrant growth in our marriages simply through good, loving communication. Let's do it! PN392

Let Him Hear

BQ: In Matthew 11:15, Jesus said, ""He who has ears to hear, let him hear." Since our relationship as a church with Christ is a marriage relationship, consider the implications of those words as applied to your own marriage. According to Brecheen and Faulkner, couples spend only 27 minutes a week in focused conversation. Think about that. Roughly 3.8 minutes per day are spent in focus conversation.

It is no surprise that marriages that marriages can struggle in such environments. Consider again what Jesus said. It is well known that the best communicators are excellent listeners, and they listen to everything that someone else has to say, not just a tidbit here and there. If you don't spend much time in focused conversation with your spouse, you won't really know who they are. Prioritize learning about your spouse and becoming a solid team. PN393

Words Will Never Hurt Me?

 BQ: There is a popular saying that isn't true, though the intent is good. It goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  I talked to a man once after I heard him screaming at his fiance. "Yeah, he told me, I got a little miffed, but those were just words and they don't mean nuthin'."

The truth is, damaging words can be very hurtful. It can take far, far longer for emotional damage to heal than for our physical bodies. Remember that God says, "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." (Mt 12:37) Words aren't "nuthin'," they are the lifeblood that keeps relationships alive, and poison in them courses straight to the heart of a relationship and damages it. Not only that, but angry words damage our relationship with Jesus. PN394

Response to Those Who Caused Pain

BQ: Sometimes divorces happen when one spouse cheats on another. Sometimes the cheating spouse can be downright mean and villainous, often in an attempt to justify their evil behavior. It can be tempting for the (former) spouse who has been betrayed to feel anger and bitterness over lost time, deceit, and many other things, and sometimes he or she might express that through negative, angry, bitter language directed at the cheater. What does God say about such things? 

Ultimately, the bitter, angry attitude, when coupled with such words, is an attempt to take vengeance on the person who is demonstrably in the wrong, but God tells us, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)  God says this because He wants us to heal, and that's accomplished through the following set of actions found in Phil 3:14-16:

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Move on and start healing! PN395

Enjoying your spouse.

BQ: I'm thinking about doing some more stuff on marriage since I'm SOOOOO close to getting married.  

We've often covered the importance of putting the spirituality first, so don't throw that to the wind. Still, when getting to know a lady, it's important for the man to ask, "Is this a relationship that I enjoy?" Sometimes, deep down, the answer is "no." Maybe it's too full of drama and turmoil, or maybe the personalities just don't match quite right so, while there is some attraction, there's not too much enjoyment. 

This really goes both ways, but God tells men to, "Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun." (Eccl 9:9) Before getting into a relationship for life, it's important to make sure that it will not only be edifying, but enjoyable.

Three Points for Healthy Relationships

Marriages depend on love, commitment, and discipline. Love these days, though, is often thrown about with little regard. It's come to mean, "yeah, I like you a lot," but it's often taken away in the blink of an eye for various reasons. Maybe something nicer looking comes along, or the person wants to do some damage as "punishment" for some wrong, real or not. 

With that in mind, I'd like to look at some verses and apply to them to marriage, dating, etc. Basically, this is a mini-study that I've for me to correct some of my own aberrant behavior. I hope it's helpful to you, too. Let's look at 3 points that I need to work on. 



1: Consistency is Key:


Starting off, let's look at Luke 7:24-27.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.  The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”

Apply this to a relationship. God is called the, "Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadows." In our relationship with God, there is an INCREDIBLY solid foundation. Unlike sand, there is NOTHING to shift around and cause us to sink or break apart, but everything to provide the firmest foundation.

When getting a relationship started (and continuing it), it's incredibly important to be consistent and without variation. People fear the unknown, and variation puts all sorts of unknown variables into the equation, which in turn makes the relationship one with an underlying miasma of fear.

Personally, I need to work on being more consistent. I've gotten better, but I can still be somewhat inconsistent. As a man, I need to be solid, strong, and courageous, with persistence and patience. A family and marriage will need a solid foundation, and I need to provide that.

Ladies are designed as "suitable helpmates" (Gen 2:18) for men.  I think of it like a puzzle. Some pieces will fit together, but not very well. In order for the puzzle to link together and really stay in place, the complementary pieces need to be hooked together. If one or both pieces are somehow changing shape and having variation, like shifting sand, it's going to be very hard for that puzzle to stay together. As suitable helpmates, women can offer great reassurance to man by being stable and consistent.





2: Tears Don't Mean Failure

It's tempting to look at a relationship and say, "Man, this is a lot of work."  Sometimes relationships drive us to cry, and our effort seems fruitless. However, tears coming from working to make a relationship work don't mean failure. In fact, in our relationship with Christ, we go out to others showing love for them, and it can be painful. Psalms 126:6 says,

"He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,

Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

Our society encourages a throwaway mentality, but if you're in a relationship, don't throw it away. Stick with it through the tears, all the way to the end. The loudest shouts of joy often come when we overcome the most!





3: Do You Love Like Christ?

I used to throw people away when stuff didn't work. "Well I'm not going to date you anymore, so kindly stay 100% out of my life," was pretty much my attitude. However, I'm a Christian, which means that I am like Christ. Indeed, I say that I have the mind of Christ, which means that I can't be like that. Why not?

I often use the "l" word, but not "love" like America sees it. These days, it's serious business to me. I love everyone, and in dating or relationships, it's the same. Sometimes things MIGHT not work out; sometimes for a little bit, and sometimes permanently. But that doesn't change how I'm going to act. 

Here's why:

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:38-39)

I want to be like Christ, and that means I want my love to be like Christ. Just because something goes wrong doesn't mean that I'll let it separate my love from the person. Love transcends my desires and is replaced by Christ's. If you really love someone, you won't give up on them. You might be forced into a different type of relationship with them emotionally, but spiritually you'll still love them, be there for them, and seek to help them maximize their potential in Christ. That's what love is. It doesn't stop just because it's hurt or upset. It sees damage and wants to heal, it seems pitfalls and wants to help avoid, and it endures forever. It is the greatest thing we can offer. 

Characteristics of Married Love

BQ: Love in marriage is essential. This is kind of a one-off sort of BQ, but I was looking at some things that married love did in the Bible, or how it was described. It's kinda pleasant to share.

Married love brings comfort even after the death of a loved one: 
"Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her; thus Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death."  Gen 24:67 

Married love makes time seem to go by faster and better: 
"So Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her." (Ge 29:20)* (Or the sort of love that will lead to a marriage, in this case, but it remained the same, so I'm including it!)

Married love cannot be replaced by all the riches in the world: 
“Many waters cannot quench love,

Nor will rivers overflow it;

If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love,

It would be utterly despised.” (Song 8:7)

8 principles for healthy, Christian relationships

From the book, Extraordinary Mercy, I'd like to explore eight principles that will help Christians have healthy relationships.
 

1—Ephesians 4:1 says to "live a life worthy of the calling." Isaiah prophesied of a people who would submit to God all the time, not just on one day of the week. Our objective cannot be to straddle the fence with one foot in the heavenly places and one in the world. If we aim 100% to be like Christ, everything else will flow from that. We'll still explore those other principles, however. 
 

2—Ephesians 4:2-3 says to have, "all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." It's hard sometimes, but being open to other opinions is important.  It's important to be united in a relationship instead of divided, and tomorrow we'll explore some of the critical areas on which we must unite. 
 

3—There are seven core "ones" in Christianity on which we must unite.   "There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling;  one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all." (Eph 4:4-6) We must agree on the essential nature of all of these items, just as God does.
 

4—We must speak the truth in love. We cannot use this as a loophole to pull out the shotguns. People must know that we care before they care what we know.  "Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." (Eph 4:15) Without truth, "love" is nothing more than empty flattery of the flesh. Without love, truth is a crushing hammer. We must combine them.
 

5— "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." It is critical to resolve anger quickly, lest it master us. We must not try to simply "live with it."  We must not wait. While God acknowledges that not all anger is sin, anger which festers destroys. To have healthy relationships, we must resolve it. 
 

6. Learn to control your words if you want to be spiritually healthy. How often I've heard Christians tell perverted or cruel jokes and many other things. Instead, "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." (Eph 4:29) This is so often callously, carelessly violated. One of my Christian friends bragged, in a way similar to how I used to, that she was a "lady" who could be just as dirty as a sailor. Consider the verse above again.  How does it compare to your current style of speech? What do you need to change? 
 

7. Forgive as God forgives. What can draw people to Christ is if we act like Him, especially if we can forgive those who hurt us as He forgave. If a relationship features people holding grudges and being bitter, it is one which doesn't care about what Christ did. Instead, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Eph 4:32) The motivation to act like that will not come from what others have done, but rather for what God has done for us. We were enemies of God, yet He chose to love us, not hate us. We deserve no forgiveness, but have it. We should incorporate this type of forgiveness into our relationships. 
 

8. Give of yourself. This is actually from Ephesians 5:1. "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children;  and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." Christian means Christ-like. If we are to be true Christians, we must sacrifice personally out of love. There is no greater example than that of Jesus and the cross. Are you willing to sacrifice everything for your relationships, in order to show love and glorify God? Sacrifice your ego, your pride; the hurt you might sometimes feel? Sacrifice as God has sacrificed gives great glory to God, encourages others, and pleases Him.