BQ: When you're thinking about marriage, if you're single, how do you approach it? Psalm 127:1 says, "Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it."
Many approach marriage with no particular plan. It's simply, "I think that I'll do this, because it will make me feel happy." Would any us think that a good house could be built if we never had a plan for how to build it?
Before we get married, we need to have plan for the purpose for our marriage, and what it should accomplish. If not, it'll tend to be a chaotic mess.
BQ: An upcoming marriage should be planned like a house: thought out before we start building, and with purpose. Proverbs 24:3-4 gives us some instruction:
"By wisdom a house is built,
And by understanding it is established;
And by knowledge the rooms are filled
With all precious and pleasant riches."
If you're thinking about building a new life in marriage, what are you building it on? If you're building it simply on emotion, that's a shaky foundation that will change a ton over time. Instead, build it with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, and it will be a pleasant and rich one.
BQ: We saw that romantic emotions are insufficient for a good marriage in the long run, and that we need to plan. Just like building a house, we need a firm foundation. James 3:13-18 gives us some wisdom on how to plan our new life:
"Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."
Notice that again wisdom and understanding are mentioned. We'll look at this a bit at a time, but for now, plan your marriage to be full of gentleness. Too many relationships are filled with one partner yelling at the other, with harshness and not gentleness. Don't let that happen with yours.
BQ: We were looking at James 3, which gives perfect advice on how to manage our relationships. When planning on getting married, we have to look for some of the signs of spiritual illness that might be present, and fix them as soon as possible.
"But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."
When people repeat something, it's to emphasize it. Notice that jealousy is repeated as something to avoid. That's an early warning sign that something isn't quite right, and we'll look more at it tomorrow.
BQ: In relationships, God warns against jealousy and selfish ambition. One early warning sign that something is sick in a relationship is if jealousy exists, and especially if it is purposefully precipitated.
Watch out for those who seek to make you jealous while courting. It'll often take a very subtle form...maybe a subtle comment on a picture of someone of the opposite sex on facebook, maybe mentions of how pleasing past love interests were and how it's hard to find someone of their caliber. It'll often be plausibly deniable, and you might even doubt yourself—surely someone you have feelings for wouldn't make you feel insecure, right?
Avoid that. Ask yourself: do you feel like you have to be a detective to figure out if you're really the one your romantic interest is truly interested in? If you do, and if there is any jealousy, the relationship is sick, and is not yet solid ground to build a marriage on.
BQ: We've been looking at James 3 and applying it to planning a marriage. In part, it says, "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."
Notice all of the PEACE in that passage. It's all about being gentle. Not a pushover, but gentle, forgiving...yet unwavering. Look at you and your love interest. Do you seek to fight to be right?
Look for the warning signs. Does your interest purposefully use mean words to hurt you, to gain an upper hand. If so, don't pass it off as something normal. That's a sign of a deep, serious flaw in the very foundation of the character of a person, and like building a house, a cracked foundation will get worse if not addressed.
BQ: We saw that jealousy is horrible in a relationship, and so is strife. The opposite of those two things, really, is harmony. Often Christians will "fall" for someone of the world—someone captive to Satan.
Have you ever been to a symphony? The harmony of the instruments is beautiful. They work together to accomplish a goal, which is pre-planned. But imagine if just ONE instrument were playing to a totally different song. It would sound horrible. Now imagine that there were only two instruments, and each were playing something exactly the opposite of the other. It would be horrible.
When you're picking your partner for life, pick the one that's singing to the same spiritual tune. Don't pick something that will be discordant and unplanned. Pick harmony.
BQ: God also likens relationships to house building, saying in Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." In James 3, we saw that we get to choose wisdom from above, or earthly wisdom. Earthly wisdom is easily observed, and often comes in gross packages like, "90% of women choose a man based on the first kiss," or, "flat chests are like flat tires: worthless."
Instead of picking someone based off those criteria, we should look at criteria from verse two, which notes that those "who walk in uprightness fear the Lord." How spiritually beautiful is someone? How upright are they?
BQ: When planning a house, and a marriage, we get our choice of foundation. We can choose a worldly partner, or one who is spiritually grounded. Jesus outlined our choices and said,
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.
Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.” (Mt 7:24-27)
Which foundation do you choose? One that will crumble in the end, or one that stands strong? It is not enough to pick a man or woman who merely hears the word—we must pick the one that shows through their labor that they are acting on it, too.
BQ: Gen 2 says in part,
"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him... For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."
When planning our marriages, we should be doing it because it is best if we are not alone, and best if we have help in our lives. The fact is, we NEED spiritual help, yet we often think of being a "helper" as an un-noteworthy role. Is it really a poor part to play?
Psalm 54:4 should make it clear that we should all seek to be helpers, because, "Behold, God is my helper; The Lord is the sustainer of my soul." Find the person that you'll help, complete, and sustain.
BQ: The Song of Hiawatha, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, illustrated his take on marriage. It said,
""As unto the bow the cord is,
So unto the man is woman,
Though she bends him, she obeys him,
Though she draws him, yet she follows,
Useless each without the other!""
God noted a similar take on things long before Longfellow, saying in Eccl 4:9-12,
"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."
When we act together, we can accomplish great things, and resist powerful adversaries. In your marriage, will you have three strands? We all can, if we choose: husband, wife, and God. The strongest of all bonds on this earth.
BQ: For now, this will be our final look at building houses and marriages. Ultimately, what can make your marriage a solid one? There is one goal, that which if agreed upon, utterly negates selfish ambition and jealousy. 2 Cor 5:9 sums it up, saying,
"Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."
I'll leave you with five very basic tips for now to get your marriage started. They're so simple that anyone can do them.
1.) Determine the purpose for your marriage. To be merely happy (Satan can give you that for a seaon)? To be holy and happy? What is it?
2.) Set goals to accomplish that purpose—maybe just three to start.
3.) Make a plan to accomplish those goals.
4.) Do the work to accomplish the plan.
5.) Pray and fast about it together, because peace exists in abundance while doing that.