Building Houses and Marriages

BQ: When you're thinking about marriage, if you're single, how do you approach it?  Psalm 127:1 says, "Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it."

Many approach marriage with no particular plan. It's simply, "I think that I'll do this, because it will make me feel happy." Would any us think that a good house could be built if we never had a plan for how to build it?

Before we get married, we need to have plan for the purpose for our marriage, and what it should accomplish. If not, it'll tend to be a chaotic mess.






BQ: An upcoming marriage should be planned like a house: thought out before we start building, and with purpose.  Proverbs 24:3-4 gives us some instruction:

"By wisdom a house is built,

And by understanding it is established;

And by knowledge the rooms are filled

With all precious and pleasant riches."

If you're thinking about building a new life in marriage, what are you building it on? If you're building it simply on emotion, that's a shaky foundation that will change a ton over time. Instead, build it with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, and it will be a pleasant and rich one.






BQ: We saw that romantic emotions are insufficient for a good marriage in the long run, and that we need to plan. Just like building a house, we need a firm foundation. James 3:13-18 gives us some wisdom on how to plan our new life:

"Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. 

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Notice that again wisdom and understanding are mentioned. We'll look at this a bit at a time, but for now, plan your marriage to be full of gentleness. Too many relationships are filled with one partner yelling at the other, with harshness and not gentleness. Don't let that happen with yours.





BQ: We were looking at James 3, which gives perfect advice on how to manage our relationships. When planning on getting married, we have to look for some of the signs of spiritual illness that might be present, and fix them as soon as possible. 

"But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."

When people repeat something, it's to emphasize it. Notice that jealousy is repeated as something to avoid. That's an early warning sign that something isn't quite right, and we'll look more at it tomorrow.






BQ: In relationships, God warns against jealousy and selfish ambition. One early warning sign that something is sick in a relationship is if jealousy exists, and especially if it is purposefully precipitated.  

Watch out for those who seek to make you jealous while courting. It'll often take a very subtle form...maybe a subtle comment on a picture of someone of the opposite sex on facebook, maybe mentions of how pleasing past love interests were and how it's hard to find someone of their caliber. It'll often be plausibly deniable, and you might even doubt yourself—surely someone you have feelings for wouldn't make you feel insecure, right?

Avoid that. Ask yourself: do you feel like you have to be a detective to figure out if you're really the one your romantic interest is truly interested in? If you do, and if there is any jealousy, the relationship is sick, and is not yet solid ground to build a marriage on.







BQ: We've been looking at James 3 and applying it to planning a marriage. In part, it says, "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Notice all of the PEACE in that passage. It's all about being gentle. Not a pushover, but gentle, forgiving...yet unwavering. Look at you and your love interest. Do you seek to fight to be right?

Look for the warning signs. Does your interest purposefully use mean words to hurt you, to gain an upper hand. If so, don't pass it off as something normal. That's a sign of a deep, serious flaw in the very foundation of the character of a person, and like building a house, a cracked foundation will get worse if not addressed. 






BQ:  We saw that jealousy is horrible in a relationship, and so is strife. The opposite of those two things, really, is harmony. Often Christians will "fall" for someone of the world—someone captive to Satan. 

Have you ever been to a symphony? The harmony of the instruments is beautiful. They work together to accomplish a goal, which is pre-planned. But imagine if just ONE instrument were playing to a totally different song. It would sound horrible. Now imagine that there were only two instruments, and each were playing something exactly the opposite of the other. It would be horrible.

When you're picking your partner for life, pick the one that's singing to the same spiritual tune. Don't pick something that will be discordant and unplanned. Pick harmony.






BQ:  God also likens relationships to house building, saying in Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." In James 3, we saw that we get to choose wisdom from above, or earthly wisdom. Earthly wisdom is easily observed, and often comes in gross packages like, "90% of women choose a man based on the first kiss," or, "flat chests are like flat tires: worthless." 

Instead of picking someone based off those criteria, we should look at criteria from verse two, which notes that those "who walk in uprightness fear the Lord."  How spiritually beautiful is someone? How upright are they? 





BQ: When planning a house, and a marriage, we get our choice of foundation. We can choose a worldly partner, or one who is spiritually grounded. Jesus outlined our choices and said,

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.

Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.” (Mt 7:24-27)

Which foundation do you choose? One that will crumble in the end, or one that stands strong? It is not enough to pick a man or woman who merely hears the word—we must pick the one that shows through their labor that they are acting on it, too.






BQ: Gen 2 says in part,

"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him...  For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

When planning our marriages, we should be doing it because it is best if we are not alone, and best if we have help in our lives. The fact is, we NEED spiritual help, yet we often think of being a "helper" as an un-noteworthy role. Is it really a poor part to play? 

Psalm 54:4 should make it clear that we should all seek to be helpers, because, "Behold, God is my helper; The Lord is the sustainer of my soul."  Find the person that you'll help, complete, and sustain. 






BQ: The Song of Hiawatha, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, illustrated his take on marriage. It said, 

""As unto the bow the cord is,

So unto the man is woman,

Though she bends him, she obeys him,

Though she draws him, yet she follows,

Useless each without the other!""

God noted a similar take on things long before Longfellow, saying in Eccl 4:9-12,

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

When we act together, we can accomplish great things, and resist powerful adversaries. In your marriage, will you have three strands? We all can, if we choose: husband, wife, and God. The strongest of all bonds on this earth.






BQ:  For now, this will be our final look at building houses and marriages. Ultimately, what can make your marriage a solid one? There is one goal, that which if agreed upon, utterly negates selfish ambition and jealousy. 2 Cor 5:9 sums it up, saying,

"Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."

I'll leave you with five very basic tips for now to get your marriage started. They're so simple that anyone can do them.

1.) Determine the purpose for your marriage. To be merely happy (Satan can give you that for a seaon)? To be holy and happy? What is it?
2.) Set goals to accomplish that purpose—maybe just three to start.
3.) Make a plan to accomplish those goals. 
4.) Do the work to accomplish the plan.
5.) Pray and fast about it together, because peace exists in abundance while doing that.

Responsibilites of a wife.

I'm starting a study on husbands and wives and their responsibilities. I have a few topics that I'm briefly looking at (not really sure how much I'll post here), but here's how I'm going to approach it; for now we're just looking at the wife: 

Wife's responsibilities:

Excellence

Submission

Respect

Companionship

Maintenance of the home environment 

Husband's responsibilities: 

Leadership

Love

Nourishment 

Cherishment (this word was used as late as 1913)

Excellence:
 

BQ: For today, let's start to look at excellence for the wife.  Her responsibility is to bring glory and honor to her family, and if she does her duty well, she will be a crown to her husband. If she fails, she can really cause some damage! Proverbs 12:4 says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." 

Speaking of that, even outside of the marriage, the woman is charged with bringing glory to men, just as men are charged with bringing glory to God. "For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man." (I Corinthians 11:7)

While we'll continue on tomorrow, it's important to realize that good marriages really need the husband to see his wife as an incredible blessing from God, and one of the greatest gifts in his life, constantly amazed that he has even been allowed to marry a woman so great. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord." (Pro 18:22) 

We'll discuss more on this tomorrow. 





BQ: So we're looking at the responsibilities of a wife, and we're digging into why she needs to be excellent. :) Today we'll look at how to define that more by taking a look at what the opposite of it might be.

To see what "not excellent is," let's look at Pro 9:13-18 in part, where Solomon describes the foolish woman. The woman of folly is boisterous,

She is naive and knows nothing.

She sits at the doorway of her house,

On a seat by the high places of the city,

Calling to those who pass by,

Who are making their paths straight:

Obviously this isn't an excellent wife, but rather a very foolish one. Of note to me is that, lacking excellence, she tries to bring others in with her, and that seems to be pretty common for people who aim low. Talk about lacking discretion. And to REALLY talk about lacking discretion, we can go to Proverbs 11:22, which says, As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion."

Looks just don't define an excellent wife. Even if every kiss did begin with Kay, putting one of their rings on a pig wouldn't enhance the pig or make it a better wife.  Likewise, a lady without excellence of character is not going to be enhanced by her physical beauty.





BQ: In defining an excellent woman, we've also looked at what the opposite is. Today we'll see a couple of other quick verses about less-than-awesome wives (and don't worry, these exist for men, too!). 

“It is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (Proverbs 21:9)

“It is better to live in a desert land, than with a contentious and vexing woman.” (Proverbs 21:19)

A contentious person is someone who likes to argue. God designed men to be leaders, and for women to help the men be leaders. Men often rely upon women for support, and that's one reason that woman is "the glory of man." 

The natural differences between the sexes can cause issues if not managed wisely, though. A woman may want to return to a problem passively many times, mulling it over in her mind, when the man may have already put it behind him, thinking that decisions were made and that the issue was dealt with. When not expressed healthily, this can leave the husband thinking that his wife is argumentative or nagging, even if it's not truly the case. Instead of pestering, let the decision play out. Often men realized when they've failed and will learn better by having the freedom to fall flat on their faces.





BQ: Proverbs 31:10-31 describes an excellent woman, so go read it, as I'm not posting it all here. I'd like to note a couple of important passages that we sometimes gloss over. In part they are:

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her;

So he will have no lack of gain."

A great relationship is defined by trust, and it's not simply a stagnant one. Instead, it leads to great gain. 

"She considers a field and buys it;From her profits she plants a vineyard...."

Women are to be good stewards of money. Often women are more inclined to go couponing, and when they've found one good deal, to return even it if they find a better one somewhere else. Men are honestly lazy sometimes. We'll go in, grab it if it doesn't seem like highway robbery, and leave—NEVER returning a purchase or spending hours up hours shopping for better deals. Women really help out their husbands by being great with money and wisely making purchasing decisions. 

"Her husband also, and he praises her”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,

But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

The best definition of a great woman is one who submits to the Lord. In order for a marriage to be truly great, though, the husband needs to make sure he's praising her for all that she is. 

Submission:

BQ: Uh oh...continuing to look at the role of wives, we're coming up to the topic of submission! Sound the alarm! Misogyny! Chauvinism! Sexism! Oh my!  Let's start off with scripture:

"Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.” (Gen 3:16)

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." (Col 3:18)

"But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." (1 Cor 11:3)

Submission complements authority. In order for society to function, we rely on some submission to authority. In the military, I submit to my superiors. However, that does not mean that I can go around breaking laws based off of the requirement that I submit to them. 

The same is true for women and men. The family functions best with the man as the leader, but women are only to submit to them as is fitting in the Lord. If a man wants the wife to do something that God wouldn't do, then that's game over there. But if he is leading her in a Godly direction, it will be naturally fulfilling to submit to that direction, anyway! 





BQ: More on submission. Sometimes people think it's a forced thing, and it's not. We'll look at the negative state of it to pull out a more positive note:

"A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike; 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, And grasps oil with his right hand." (Pro 27:15-16) 

A husband cannot MAKE his wife submit, nor should he try to. Instead, his own Godly example should be appealing. His leadership should make her want to follow him, and he should pick a wife who will want to go where he's going—marching onward to Zion!



Respect:

BQ: Wives need to respect their husbands, and husbands need to love their wives. For an awesome lesson on this by Luke Wilson, listen here: http://www.newcreation.us/podcasts/Marriage-Family-Part05.mp3

 "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Eph 5:33)

Respect is something that we've studied before, and it boils down to valuing something. If you have something that you value highly, you'll think about it often, take care of it, and sing its praises. Imagine owning an Aston Martin (or a...some piece of fine jewelry; I'm not a lady so this is hard for me).  Would you find yourself pointing out its flaws all the time, or treating it like some old beater? Probably not. 

Remember to value and respect your husbands. And listen to that podcast, because Luke says it way better than I can! 



Companionship:

BQ: Wives need to give their husbands companionship. As much as we act tough (and are!), we also have a desire to have a companion. 

In Genesis 2:18-23, God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, and so He created a helper for him. Men are not meant to live lives of isolation, and wives are the solution.

In Titus 2:4-5, older women are told to teach younger women how to "phillio" their husbands, which is a form of love shown between best friends. You'd think that this would come naturally, but apparently sometimes ladies need to be taught this.  "Admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."

In Acts 20:35, we learn that it is "more blessed to give than to receive."  It is not just what you can get out of marriage that's important, but what you put into it. Giving reflects the Christian attitude of service to others. The husband should bring to the relationship his devotion to his wife, and his wife should give him fully the companionship that he needs.

 


Housekeeping:

BQ: In both Titus 2:4-5 and Proverbs 31, we saw that God appointed women as keepers of the house. This makes sense, as men are usually equipped to be our working and providing for the family. This command is sometimes looked at as being pretty demeaning today, but it isn't. In fact, it's something that women are usually better at. Anyway, read Proverbs 31 again. 

Just as the husband is responsible for the incoming funds on which the family operates, the wife is responsible for managing the outflow of those funds. We saw before that the wife is noted as using the money to buy wisely, and now I'd like to point out that she's also compared to a fleet of merchant ships (Proverbs 31:14). God puts a lot of association between the wife and the smart use of finances.  

  “She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness.” (Proverbs 31:27). Wives cook and manage the entire household, (Proverbs 31:15), monitor the finances, (Proverbs 31:18), and make sure that there is extra money to help those in need (Proverbs 31:20). They also make sure that their children are clothed and taught. (Proverbs 31:21-22, 26). 

Lastly, it is noted throughout that the wife has incredible power, as she can set the tone not just for herself, but for the entire household. This is an incredibly weighty assignment, and one that husbands should help in, just as the wives should help the husbands. 

Enjoying your spouse.

BQ: I'm thinking about doing some more stuff on marriage since I'm SOOOOO close to getting married.  

We've often covered the importance of putting the spirituality first, so don't throw that to the wind. Still, when getting to know a lady, it's important for the man to ask, "Is this a relationship that I enjoy?" Sometimes, deep down, the answer is "no." Maybe it's too full of drama and turmoil, or maybe the personalities just don't match quite right so, while there is some attraction, there's not too much enjoyment. 

This really goes both ways, but God tells men to, "Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun." (Eccl 9:9) Before getting into a relationship for life, it's important to make sure that it will not only be edifying, but enjoyable.