Food for relationships.

 Starving to death has to be one of the worst ways to die. In relationships, starvation can also occur, and often because our relationships aren't being fed. That's why "Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work." (John 4:34)

Are you and your romantic partner eating?    Do you wake up every day and say, "The Lord has made this day for me, and I need to be about His business?" I love Paul's approach in Acts 22:10 where he said, "‘What shall I do, Lord?"  That's a great way to keep feeding any relationship! :)

Too Hard to Find a Christian?

I recently saw a preacher say that it's ok for Christians to marry non-Christians because, "It is very difficult to find a Christian, and God sanctifies the marriage, and wants you happy."  

It stuck me that something is wrong if we think it's "too hard to find a Christian." It's like saying, "look, Satan has a fine selection, and looking for something God offers takes too long and is tedious and might never happen.  Let Satan make you happy!" 





BQ: When you're surrounded by the world, it can be really tempting to date and/or marry the world, too. Much like a man of God living in Canaan, there can seem to be little in the way of Godly options. But Abraham was in that position, and when talking to a manager of his house, he put forth a good example for us, saying,

"I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."  (Genesis 24:2-4)

It is far better to spend time looking for a truly good helper for Christ, and to go great lengths to find him or her, than to settle for a knockoff that Satan puts out, even if the knockoffs outnumber the genuine 1,000,000 to 1.






BQ: Christians often put no emphasis on marrying/courting those who share the same faith, and at times it is pretty discouraging to me.  God describes the lost saying, "their flesh will rot while they stand on their feet, and their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongue will rot in their mouth." (Zech 14:12)

As Christians, we need, "put off [the] old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires," and joining ourselves to dead men walking doesn't accomplish that very well, but instead leads us back to the world.

Instead or dating spiritual zombies, we need to be saving them. Having a strong Christian helper is of incredible value, and that's why Genesis 2:18 says, "And Jehovah says, ' It is not good for the man to be alone, so I make for him a helper — as his counterpart.'"  Find your counterpart and heal the sick, but don't become one with them.







BQ: Lots of Christians are content giving their emotions to those who are spiritually dead, and it weakens their ability to be effective for Christ.  Beyond that, in marriage it leaves their children with mixed leadership. The non-Christian spouse leads toward Satan and being trapped by the world, while the other spouse leads toward God.

In Nehemiah 13:27, God said of His people marrying those who were not, "Must we hear now that you too are doing all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women?" 

God doesn't do this to restrict us, but rather to protect our spirits from life-ruining decisions.  Our effectiveness and happiness can be forever compromised if we take a partner that Satan happily hands us, rather than one who will be an effective teammate. Be effective, be faithful. :)






BQ: The truth is that there are a lot of zombies out there, and we need to avoid being unequally yoked with them. I don't know how to handle it exactly as well as I'd like, but I do refuse to give my emotional core to a person (fall in love with) someone who needs my spiritual help.

Instead, I put their eternity first and follow the advice of Matthew 28:19, which instructs us to, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."  In a world where most Christian ladies are taken, making new Christians isn't a bad deal, but putting "romance" before eternal life is just about the worst choice one can make.

Don't be unequally yoked. If push comes to shove, devote yourself to making a living stone which will be a great counterpart in your work for the Lord, and then do the yoking. Not before. :)

 

Building Houses and Marriages

BQ: When you're thinking about marriage, if you're single, how do you approach it?  Psalm 127:1 says, "Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it."

Many approach marriage with no particular plan. It's simply, "I think that I'll do this, because it will make me feel happy." Would any us think that a good house could be built if we never had a plan for how to build it?

Before we get married, we need to have plan for the purpose for our marriage, and what it should accomplish. If not, it'll tend to be a chaotic mess.






BQ: An upcoming marriage should be planned like a house: thought out before we start building, and with purpose.  Proverbs 24:3-4 gives us some instruction:

"By wisdom a house is built,

And by understanding it is established;

And by knowledge the rooms are filled

With all precious and pleasant riches."

If you're thinking about building a new life in marriage, what are you building it on? If you're building it simply on emotion, that's a shaky foundation that will change a ton over time. Instead, build it with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, and it will be a pleasant and rich one.






BQ: We saw that romantic emotions are insufficient for a good marriage in the long run, and that we need to plan. Just like building a house, we need a firm foundation. James 3:13-18 gives us some wisdom on how to plan our new life:

"Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. 

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Notice that again wisdom and understanding are mentioned. We'll look at this a bit at a time, but for now, plan your marriage to be full of gentleness. Too many relationships are filled with one partner yelling at the other, with harshness and not gentleness. Don't let that happen with yours.





BQ: We were looking at James 3, which gives perfect advice on how to manage our relationships. When planning on getting married, we have to look for some of the signs of spiritual illness that might be present, and fix them as soon as possible. 

"But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."

When people repeat something, it's to emphasize it. Notice that jealousy is repeated as something to avoid. That's an early warning sign that something isn't quite right, and we'll look more at it tomorrow.






BQ: In relationships, God warns against jealousy and selfish ambition. One early warning sign that something is sick in a relationship is if jealousy exists, and especially if it is purposefully precipitated.  

Watch out for those who seek to make you jealous while courting. It'll often take a very subtle form...maybe a subtle comment on a picture of someone of the opposite sex on facebook, maybe mentions of how pleasing past love interests were and how it's hard to find someone of their caliber. It'll often be plausibly deniable, and you might even doubt yourself—surely someone you have feelings for wouldn't make you feel insecure, right?

Avoid that. Ask yourself: do you feel like you have to be a detective to figure out if you're really the one your romantic interest is truly interested in? If you do, and if there is any jealousy, the relationship is sick, and is not yet solid ground to build a marriage on.







BQ: We've been looking at James 3 and applying it to planning a marriage. In part, it says, "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Notice all of the PEACE in that passage. It's all about being gentle. Not a pushover, but gentle, forgiving...yet unwavering. Look at you and your love interest. Do you seek to fight to be right?

Look for the warning signs. Does your interest purposefully use mean words to hurt you, to gain an upper hand. If so, don't pass it off as something normal. That's a sign of a deep, serious flaw in the very foundation of the character of a person, and like building a house, a cracked foundation will get worse if not addressed. 






BQ:  We saw that jealousy is horrible in a relationship, and so is strife. The opposite of those two things, really, is harmony. Often Christians will "fall" for someone of the world—someone captive to Satan. 

Have you ever been to a symphony? The harmony of the instruments is beautiful. They work together to accomplish a goal, which is pre-planned. But imagine if just ONE instrument were playing to a totally different song. It would sound horrible. Now imagine that there were only two instruments, and each were playing something exactly the opposite of the other. It would be horrible.

When you're picking your partner for life, pick the one that's singing to the same spiritual tune. Don't pick something that will be discordant and unplanned. Pick harmony.






BQ:  God also likens relationships to house building, saying in Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." In James 3, we saw that we get to choose wisdom from above, or earthly wisdom. Earthly wisdom is easily observed, and often comes in gross packages like, "90% of women choose a man based on the first kiss," or, "flat chests are like flat tires: worthless." 

Instead of picking someone based off those criteria, we should look at criteria from verse two, which notes that those "who walk in uprightness fear the Lord."  How spiritually beautiful is someone? How upright are they? 





BQ: When planning a house, and a marriage, we get our choice of foundation. We can choose a worldly partner, or one who is spiritually grounded. Jesus outlined our choices and said,

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.

Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.” (Mt 7:24-27)

Which foundation do you choose? One that will crumble in the end, or one that stands strong? It is not enough to pick a man or woman who merely hears the word—we must pick the one that shows through their labor that they are acting on it, too.






BQ: Gen 2 says in part,

"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him...  For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

When planning our marriages, we should be doing it because it is best if we are not alone, and best if we have help in our lives. The fact is, we NEED spiritual help, yet we often think of being a "helper" as an un-noteworthy role. Is it really a poor part to play? 

Psalm 54:4 should make it clear that we should all seek to be helpers, because, "Behold, God is my helper; The Lord is the sustainer of my soul."  Find the person that you'll help, complete, and sustain. 






BQ: The Song of Hiawatha, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, illustrated his take on marriage. It said, 

""As unto the bow the cord is,

So unto the man is woman,

Though she bends him, she obeys him,

Though she draws him, yet she follows,

Useless each without the other!""

God noted a similar take on things long before Longfellow, saying in Eccl 4:9-12,

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

When we act together, we can accomplish great things, and resist powerful adversaries. In your marriage, will you have three strands? We all can, if we choose: husband, wife, and God. The strongest of all bonds on this earth.






BQ:  For now, this will be our final look at building houses and marriages. Ultimately, what can make your marriage a solid one? There is one goal, that which if agreed upon, utterly negates selfish ambition and jealousy. 2 Cor 5:9 sums it up, saying,

"Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."

I'll leave you with five very basic tips for now to get your marriage started. They're so simple that anyone can do them.

1.) Determine the purpose for your marriage. To be merely happy (Satan can give you that for a seaon)? To be holy and happy? What is it?
2.) Set goals to accomplish that purpose—maybe just three to start.
3.) Make a plan to accomplish those goals. 
4.) Do the work to accomplish the plan.
5.) Pray and fast about it together, because peace exists in abundance while doing that.

Three Points for Healthy Relationships

Marriages depend on love, commitment, and discipline. Love these days, though, is often thrown about with little regard. It's come to mean, "yeah, I like you a lot," but it's often taken away in the blink of an eye for various reasons. Maybe something nicer looking comes along, or the person wants to do some damage as "punishment" for some wrong, real or not. 

With that in mind, I'd like to look at some verses and apply to them to marriage, dating, etc. Basically, this is a mini-study that I've for me to correct some of my own aberrant behavior. I hope it's helpful to you, too. Let's look at 3 points that I need to work on. 



1: Consistency is Key:


Starting off, let's look at Luke 7:24-27.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.  The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”

Apply this to a relationship. God is called the, "Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadows." In our relationship with God, there is an INCREDIBLY solid foundation. Unlike sand, there is NOTHING to shift around and cause us to sink or break apart, but everything to provide the firmest foundation.

When getting a relationship started (and continuing it), it's incredibly important to be consistent and without variation. People fear the unknown, and variation puts all sorts of unknown variables into the equation, which in turn makes the relationship one with an underlying miasma of fear.

Personally, I need to work on being more consistent. I've gotten better, but I can still be somewhat inconsistent. As a man, I need to be solid, strong, and courageous, with persistence and patience. A family and marriage will need a solid foundation, and I need to provide that.

Ladies are designed as "suitable helpmates" (Gen 2:18) for men.  I think of it like a puzzle. Some pieces will fit together, but not very well. In order for the puzzle to link together and really stay in place, the complementary pieces need to be hooked together. If one or both pieces are somehow changing shape and having variation, like shifting sand, it's going to be very hard for that puzzle to stay together. As suitable helpmates, women can offer great reassurance to man by being stable and consistent.





2: Tears Don't Mean Failure

It's tempting to look at a relationship and say, "Man, this is a lot of work."  Sometimes relationships drive us to cry, and our effort seems fruitless. However, tears coming from working to make a relationship work don't mean failure. In fact, in our relationship with Christ, we go out to others showing love for them, and it can be painful. Psalms 126:6 says,

"He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,

Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

Our society encourages a throwaway mentality, but if you're in a relationship, don't throw it away. Stick with it through the tears, all the way to the end. The loudest shouts of joy often come when we overcome the most!





3: Do You Love Like Christ?

I used to throw people away when stuff didn't work. "Well I'm not going to date you anymore, so kindly stay 100% out of my life," was pretty much my attitude. However, I'm a Christian, which means that I am like Christ. Indeed, I say that I have the mind of Christ, which means that I can't be like that. Why not?

I often use the "l" word, but not "love" like America sees it. These days, it's serious business to me. I love everyone, and in dating or relationships, it's the same. Sometimes things MIGHT not work out; sometimes for a little bit, and sometimes permanently. But that doesn't change how I'm going to act. 

Here's why:

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:38-39)

I want to be like Christ, and that means I want my love to be like Christ. Just because something goes wrong doesn't mean that I'll let it separate my love from the person. Love transcends my desires and is replaced by Christ's. If you really love someone, you won't give up on them. You might be forced into a different type of relationship with them emotionally, but spiritually you'll still love them, be there for them, and seek to help them maximize their potential in Christ. That's what love is. It doesn't stop just because it's hurt or upset. It sees damage and wants to heal, it seems pitfalls and wants to help avoid, and it endures forever. It is the greatest thing we can offer. 

Things to appreciate in Christian dating.

BQ: Because I'm a youngish single man, I'm always fairly interested in finding an awesome, Christian wife. One thing I've noticed, though, is that often Christian girls are like, "Yep, Christian dude, yawn," whereas non-Christian girls appreciate me a ton. Why might this be?

I think that Daniel starts with part of the answer in 12:3, "Those who have insight will shine brightly like the brightness of the expanse of heaven, and those who lead the many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever." I'm not exactly full of insight, but I'm able to parrot what God says in the Bible, and I think that makes me shine a little brighter to some people in the world.

Luke 6:36-50 recounts a similar-ish thing, and in part it says, "“There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?43 Simon answered and said, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.”"

People who are the most in the dark at times appreciate the light far more than those who are wandering around in broad daylight. And I'm not saying that I'm the light, but I do at least try and have my lantern shining, so maybe people are at least attracted to that! It's certainly an odd position for a young, Christian guy to be in. :)

BQ: As a single Christian, there are opportunities to date people who are also Christian. I try and always be mindful of how God views me, since my marriage to Christ comes first. If you're a Christian, what vibe do you give off?
 

I've seen some Christians that I wouldn't date because they fit into the mold of the sons of Gad and Reuben in Num 32:6, which says, "But Moses said to the sons of Gad and to the sons of Reuben, “Shall your brothers go to war while you yourselves sit here?" Often people will realize that they're kind of lazy and try to cloak it with nice words as Jehu did when he said, " “Come with me and see my zeal for the Lord.” (2 Kings 10:16)

If you're a real Christian, you probably want to see some real Christian attributes, and not just words. Why? 1 Thess 3:7 nails it: "In all our distress and affliction we were comforted about you through your faith."  If your partner is faithful to God, you'll always have a reason for comfort! 
 

8 principles for healthy, Christian relationships

From the book, Extraordinary Mercy, I'd like to explore eight principles that will help Christians have healthy relationships.
 

1—Ephesians 4:1 says to "live a life worthy of the calling." Isaiah prophesied of a people who would submit to God all the time, not just on one day of the week. Our objective cannot be to straddle the fence with one foot in the heavenly places and one in the world. If we aim 100% to be like Christ, everything else will flow from that. We'll still explore those other principles, however. 
 

2—Ephesians 4:2-3 says to have, "all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." It's hard sometimes, but being open to other opinions is important.  It's important to be united in a relationship instead of divided, and tomorrow we'll explore some of the critical areas on which we must unite. 
 

3—There are seven core "ones" in Christianity on which we must unite.   "There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling;  one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all." (Eph 4:4-6) We must agree on the essential nature of all of these items, just as God does.
 

4—We must speak the truth in love. We cannot use this as a loophole to pull out the shotguns. People must know that we care before they care what we know.  "Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." (Eph 4:15) Without truth, "love" is nothing more than empty flattery of the flesh. Without love, truth is a crushing hammer. We must combine them.
 

5— "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." It is critical to resolve anger quickly, lest it master us. We must not try to simply "live with it."  We must not wait. While God acknowledges that not all anger is sin, anger which festers destroys. To have healthy relationships, we must resolve it. 
 

6. Learn to control your words if you want to be spiritually healthy. How often I've heard Christians tell perverted or cruel jokes and many other things. Instead, "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." (Eph 4:29) This is so often callously, carelessly violated. One of my Christian friends bragged, in a way similar to how I used to, that she was a "lady" who could be just as dirty as a sailor. Consider the verse above again.  How does it compare to your current style of speech? What do you need to change? 
 

7. Forgive as God forgives. What can draw people to Christ is if we act like Him, especially if we can forgive those who hurt us as He forgave. If a relationship features people holding grudges and being bitter, it is one which doesn't care about what Christ did. Instead, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Eph 4:32) The motivation to act like that will not come from what others have done, but rather for what God has done for us. We were enemies of God, yet He chose to love us, not hate us. We deserve no forgiveness, but have it. We should incorporate this type of forgiveness into our relationships. 
 

8. Give of yourself. This is actually from Ephesians 5:1. "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children;  and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." Christian means Christ-like. If we are to be true Christians, we must sacrifice personally out of love. There is no greater example than that of Jesus and the cross. Are you willing to sacrifice everything for your relationships, in order to show love and glorify God? Sacrifice your ego, your pride; the hurt you might sometimes feel? Sacrifice as God has sacrificed gives great glory to God, encourages others, and pleases Him.