Who should Christians marry?

-----------A Variety of Options-----------

For THEIR work:  As I've grown as a young Christian man, the joy has been great, but there has also been a mix of creeping horror and sadness growing inside me. When I was less like Christ, who I dated didn't matter to me—atheist, lukewarm, whatever.  All I cared about was how much spark there was. And now that I want to date a Christian, I see that many are taken by non-Christians, as I used to be, and it is scary.

God says, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for THEIR labor." (Eccl 4:9)  Notice that this is a mutual labor toward a common goal—both working for God. When we pick non-Christian mates, Satan knows that Ecclesiastes 4:9 is no longer such a threat to him. Don't pick a non-Christian mate and deprive another Christian of the blessing that you are in Christ. Don't let Satan fracture the church at our most intimate level. 

Marriage most closely resembles the relationship between Christ and the church. Let your marriage here be resemble that, too. Pick a Christian. 




Things that settle drift to the bottom: I used to be happy dating non-Christians because God says, "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17) Iron which is sharpened is having itself changed at a fundamental level, and I was a Christian with bad habits that I didn't want to give up. Picking people of the world, I knew that I didn't have to worry about being sharpened and changed.

Pick solid, Christian partners, and embrace the change that we make in one another. Let yourself be sharpened, the rust of the world shaved off. Become a better weapon for Christ in the fight against Satan.

(Things that settle tend to slowly drift downward toward the bottom. Don't settle for anything less than excelling still more.)

Satan’s offer that you can refuse: Satan offers us boyfriends and girlfriends that fulfill all of our fleshly desires.  I once knew this girl who meant the world to me; my heart beat faster every time we talked, and I wanted nothing more than to feel the comfort of holding her in my arms. She wanted to marry me, too.  I studied the Bible with her for three years, and she never believed.  I always said no to dating her, and it was always painful.

I knew that this girl would make me happy—Satan knew that, too. But she would not make me happy and holy. We would never build the Kingdom together, and I'd not get to spend eternity with her. I said no to something which would make me happy, but hobble me spiritually, because God promises,

"House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD." (Pro 19:14) Satan offers us something eternally and infinitely inferior to what God can give. Will you wait and trust God, or go for Satan's tempting offer? 

What’s more beneficial? God challenges the church not to simply ask, "Is it okay?" but instead to ask, "Is it beneficial?" (1 Cor. 10:23). What is more beneficial to His Kingdom and the souls that are lost in need of saving: marrying a Christian, and giving him or her the benefit of all that you have to offer in Christ, or marrying a non-Christian, and having your talent wasted?

What is more beneficial: a spouse who will help you raise your children to believe in God, or one who won't? One who will bring people into your home and study the Bible with them, or one who won't? The knowledge that you'll spend eternity together, or knowing that one of you will forever be with Satan?

-----------New Testament Instruction-----------

It’s about marriage and more: 2 Cor 6:14 says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." Some will say, "God doesn't care about who you marry, because this doesn't say, 'don't marry unbelievers!'"  It's true that it doesn't say "marry," but that's because it's broader and more inclusive. Being yoked can happen emotionally before we know it—look at all the unmarried, live-in Christians. It includes marriage and more, and can be read as:

-Do not enter into inconsistent relations with those who reject the faith

-Avoid unsuitable connections with unbelievers

-Stop forming intimate and inconsistent relations with non-Christians

It's not about only marriage; it's about marriage and more.

But I love this person: As Christians, we're totally down with a lot of what God says.  "Don't murder, yep, I avoid that pretty well!" Other things, though, we try to ignore. One of them is 2 Cor 6, which says, "DO NOT be unequally yoked with unbelievers...what fellowship has light with darkness?"

We look at the non-Christian that we're falling for and say, "But I love this person," while ignoring God saying, "Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals." (1 Cor 15:33) Can you imagine Christ being bound to Satan? We have Christ in us, so why would we make that choice? Don't let your feelings overpower your love of God. Binding yourself to a non-Christian doesn't show love, it shows a disregard for God, and a casual disregard for that person's eternity.

Spend your time making new Christians and put the romantic feelings on the back burner. It'll let you experience true romance with someone in Christ in the future.

Take all the couples: Take all the Christian couples you know, and imagine life if only one from each couple were a Christian. What would the church look like?  God sent the animals into the ark two-by-two, male and female (Gen 7:9).  Jesus sent out the first disciples in twos (Mark 6:7).  

Satan offers us non-Christians so that we will never be "two-by-two." He is a master at dividing and conquering. Don't let him, because it's an offer you CAN refuse.

Don’t! "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers," covers a lot more ground than just marriage. Consider some other ‘do not' passages found in the New Testament:

Matt 4:7 - Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'

Matt 6:2 - "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets..."

Rom 6:11-13 - "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness..."

Let's answer a few questions. Is it OK to put the Lord to the test? Is it OK to announce our giving with trumpets? Is it OK to let sin reign in our mortal body? The unequivocal answer to all of these questions is a resounding NO! Why then would we believe it is OK to be unequally yoked to an unbeliever? It is not. We do ourselves a grave disservice when we kick against the goads, when we contravene a direct command of the scriptures. And in doing so, we harm ourselves and those around us.

Do you agree? In 1 Cor 6:14, Paul gives the example of a believer having sexual relations with a prostitute. The resulting union joins Christ to a prostitute. Likewise, the joining of a Christian and a non-Christian joins Christ to an unbeliever.

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be!"

God says, "May it never be!" Do you agree with Him?

Run the race. Hebrews 12:1 says, "let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."

Christianity is a race, and we are blessed with the opportunity to run it with a partner. It's very important to pick it with a partner that's running toward the same finish line. If we choose a partner who is not Christian, we ignore God who said in Eph 5:7, "Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord." 

Pick your partner in this race wisely, that you may be united in Christ, and that there "be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment." (1 Cor 1:10)

But what if… Since God says for Christians to stay married to non-Christians (1 Cor 7:12-16), does that mean He doesn't mind if we marry them?*  As it turns out, that section of 1 Cor 7 is fundamentally unable, by itself, to answer the above question. Why?

-The QUESTION addresses an unmarried Christian who is single and has the option to marry; 

-Whereas 1 Cor 7:12-16 discusses the recently-converted Christian whose spouse has not yet obeyed God, in which case God says, "Wait, don't divorce and remarry. You believed, so give your spouse a reason to believe, too, and try and win them. They may soon follow you to Christ!" 

*Note: If the non-Christians leaves, we're told to move on since we're, "not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace."

Be holy! Over and over in the New Testament, we are enjoined to "be holy."  Holiness in this context means separation from the world. We have a different standard that governs all of our relationships, but especially that of marriage. Consider Paul's direction to widows:

"A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." (1 Cor 7:39)

This is neither encouragement nor suggestion, but an easily understood command. "...he must belong to the Lord."  Disciples marry disciples. Also, since the purpose of dating is to find a lifelong soul mate (it shouldn't be just to avoid boredom or have a face to suck on), it only follows that Christians date Christians only.

This right we have. "Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?" (1 Cor 9:5)

Who did God give Paul and others the right to marry—other believers. Can you imagine an apostle preaching great messages, and then going to a pagan celebration and picking a pagan wife? How about us? What if I taught at family camp, and then went to a bar and picked up a hot bartender(ess?)? As God says, "May it never be!"

-----------Spiritually Destroying Families and Children-----------

A shared goal. Why would you want to date someone where it could lead to marriage—the closest human relationship you could ever have, when Jesus, who is closest to you personally, they don’t share with you? If your goal was to travel to New York, would you get on a train going to Chicago? It's much the same with dating: why get on a relationship not traveling toward God?

God said believers would be divided from those who didn't even in families, and it is the same for romance: "For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Mt 10:35-37)

Helping your children. Where do you want your kids to end up? This is an incredibly important aspect in dating, which leads to marriage. In Mark 9, God says that if we cause little children to stumble in their belief, that it would be better for us to be drowned in the ocean. With that in mind, what do you think that picking a spouse who does believe in God does to a kid? Consider these government statistics:

-If the mother is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 17% probability that everyone in the household will follow.

-If the father is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 93% probability that everyone in the household will follow.

Would you want your boyfriend of girlfriend to cause a child who believes to stumble? How much less so your spouse?

Some other stats:

If mother and father attend assembly/"church" regularly:

33% of their children will end up attending church regularly

25% of their children will end up not attending at all

If mother attends church regularly. Father does not attend church at all:

2% of their children will end up attending church regularly

60% of their children will end up not attending at all

If father attends church regularly. Mother does not attend church at all:

44% of their children will end up attending church regularly

34% of their children will end up not attending at all

Don’t cause people to stumble! We're told not to make little kids or those new in Christ stumble. We're also told to not be partnered with unbelievers. That's easy to understand. Consider the following:

-If a little kid sees me preaching on Sunday, but drunk with friends in a facebook post, could that cause him to stumble?

-If a youngin' sees me as a leader in Christ, but also sees that I've got a girlfriend who isn't a Christian, could that cause him to stumble? What if he sees that I give in to her worldly proclivities and get drunk with her and stuff?

How can we give our children the best shot they can hope for at eternal life?

-----------Understanding the Threat Using the Old Testament-----------

Better than Ezra? Since the Old Testament contains a shadow of the spiritual reality for us today, it provides us a pattern to help us understand marriage between those in Christ and those not; in fact, it is actually pretty direct about marrying unbelievers. Ezra 10 specifically forbids God's people from marrying "foreign wives," and considered it unfaithfulness to God:

"Then Ezra the priest stood up and said to them, "You have been unfaithful; you have married foreign women, adding to Israel's guilt. Now make confession to the LORD, the God of your fathers, and do his will. Separate yourselves from the peoples around you and from your foreign wives."  (v10-11)

Wisdom of Nehemiah.  Among Nehemiah's various reforms, the Israelites set this down as a binding agreement:  "We promise not to give our daughters in marriage to the peoples around us or take their daughters for our sons."  Later in the rebuilding, when Nehemiah became aware of specific cases of intermarriage, he had this to say:

"Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel sinned? Among the many nations there was no king like him. He was loved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel, but even he was led into sin by foreign women. Must we hear now that you too are doing all this terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women?"  (Nehemiah 13:23-27)

God considered it unfaithfulness and wickedness to take those who were not part of His people as spouses. Would it be wise to do it today? Would it be beneficial to the Kingdom?

God has always been serious. Numbers 25 tells us that Israel caused great damage by taking on companions who weren't of God. In part it says, 

"The Lord was angry against Israel. The Lord said to Moses, “Take all the leaders of the people and execute them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the fierce anger of the Lord may turn away from Israel.”  So Moses said to the judges of Israel, “Each of you slay his men who have joined themselves to Baal of Peor.”

In the end, 24,000 of God's people died for partnering with unbelievers. This issue can destroy the church in one generation, yet it is socially acceptable and goes unnoticed.  Do you understand why God has always treated it seriously?

Close to our hearts. Satan wants to be as close to our heart as he can, so that he can corrupt it so it.  What is closer to your heart than your romantic partner? And that's why  the general tone of scripture from Genesis to Revelation has been against those of God marrying or otherwise partnering with those not of Him (OT examples: Genesis 6:2; 24:3; 26:34-35; 28:1; Exodus 34:11-16; Deuteronomy 7:1-5; Judges 14:1-3; 1 Kings 11, etc.).

Physical Israel had a pattern of taking non-believers as companions and, afterward, suffering death, exile, and destruction. Even Solomon, the wisest of men, was led astray and fell due to picking spouses not of God. Don't make that mistake.

-----------Will You Be Wise Or Foolish?-----------

The Kingdom Proton. In the sermon on the mount, Jesus admonished his disciples to put the kingdom of Christ “first” (proton) in their lives. The adverb suggests that the interests of the Lord should be “above all” else. Can anyone honestly contend that the child of God who unites himself with the unbeliever in the most intimate of all human relationships is granting the reign of Christ the most exalted place in his or her life?

If you are still blessed enough to have the option to get out of a dating relationship with a non-Christian, would you take it? What would please God? What puts the Kingdom first? And lastly, don't you have enough faith to trust that He will give you a companion who makes you just as happy as your non-Christian one, but with great spiritual blessings? If you aren't married yet, find yourself a person who will bring you closer to God, who will help you please God.

Jesus said, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." There is so much work to be done. Pray for a helper in it, just like Jesus did.

As for me and my house. In Joshua 24:15 there is a beautiful message:

"And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served [in other places]...But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”

Imagine how much less powerful that verse would be if it said, "But as for me, and....no one else in my house, I am the only one will serve the Lord." So many Christian families these days cannot say that their house will serve the Lord, and it's very often a deliberate choice they make to marry those who will not, which later on ends up with kids who do not believe.  Choose to build the strongest family you can!

Emotions over all?  Being in love is an insane feeling—your heart is head-over-heels for someone. But God warns, ""Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) Have you ever met that non-Christian that you just fall for—he or she is just ALL that, emotionally, physically...not a Christian, but EVERYTHING else is perfect?

I have. I don't think there is ANY greater temptation. To me, that person has SO MUCH potential! I want to start the relationship NOW so that I don't miss any time feeling that love. But God tells me not to, and it isn't a big shocker that Satan wants us to fall for those who SEEM like they can be the best ever to us, "and no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light." (2 Cor 11:14)

Work ceaselessly to make those who aren't in Christ a part of the Kingdom, but don't be tricked by your emotions. Guard your heart (emotions). Give if to other Christians, not to someone who you hope will maybe, one day, become one.

Getting out of a relationship. Sometimes Christians recognize that they're in spiritually poisonous relationships, and they think "I need to get out!" But often, it drags out over months with lots of tears and confusion. They've become emotionally attached, so it's hard to leave. They get guilt-tripped to stay. Let's look at how Jesus handled a poisonous relationship with Judas:

"As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him, "What you are about to do, do quickly." (John 13:27)

Jesus saw that the relationship would not improve, so He pushed to have it end quickly. We should do the same. Like setting a broken bone, it shouldn't be dragged out over months, but rather done quickly and decisively. Only then can the healing process begin.

Sleeping around. I need to say something about sleeping around.  Take two pieces of duct tape and press the sticky faces together. Trying to pull them back apart is nearly impossible, and causes damage to the pieces. However, if you take another two pieces of tape and stick them to a chair, the floor, etc., the glued side will soon be covered with junk.  If you press those pieces together, they might stick, but it will be easy to separate them again.

The same thing happens when a person has lots of sex outside of marriage. He makes bonds physically, emotionally, and spiritually with another person, but the relationship doesn’t last and the two are torn apart. The first time is often incredibly painful (lots of tears and bad feelings). This process repeats, maybe with a "rebound." They break up. The pain is there, but it is not as bad as the first time. With each succeeding relationship, the bond becomes weaker and weaker. When the person  finally doe does attempt to bond in marriage, there is so much baggage—so much junk—that it's difficult for the relationship to stick, but easy for the two partners to be torn apart.

Ideally, a man or a woman should only bond with his or her spouse. God expressed it like this: "Drink water from your own cistern and fresh water from your own well...Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love." (Proverbs 5:15-19)

Food for relationships.

 Starving to death has to be one of the worst ways to die. In relationships, starvation can also occur, and often because our relationships aren't being fed. That's why "Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work." (John 4:34)

Are you and your romantic partner eating?    Do you wake up every day and say, "The Lord has made this day for me, and I need to be about His business?" I love Paul's approach in Acts 22:10 where he said, "‘What shall I do, Lord?"  That's a great way to keep feeding any relationship! :)

Building Houses and Marriages

BQ: When you're thinking about marriage, if you're single, how do you approach it?  Psalm 127:1 says, "Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it."

Many approach marriage with no particular plan. It's simply, "I think that I'll do this, because it will make me feel happy." Would any us think that a good house could be built if we never had a plan for how to build it?

Before we get married, we need to have plan for the purpose for our marriage, and what it should accomplish. If not, it'll tend to be a chaotic mess.






BQ: An upcoming marriage should be planned like a house: thought out before we start building, and with purpose.  Proverbs 24:3-4 gives us some instruction:

"By wisdom a house is built,

And by understanding it is established;

And by knowledge the rooms are filled

With all precious and pleasant riches."

If you're thinking about building a new life in marriage, what are you building it on? If you're building it simply on emotion, that's a shaky foundation that will change a ton over time. Instead, build it with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, and it will be a pleasant and rich one.






BQ: We saw that romantic emotions are insufficient for a good marriage in the long run, and that we need to plan. Just like building a house, we need a firm foundation. James 3:13-18 gives us some wisdom on how to plan our new life:

"Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. 

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Notice that again wisdom and understanding are mentioned. We'll look at this a bit at a time, but for now, plan your marriage to be full of gentleness. Too many relationships are filled with one partner yelling at the other, with harshness and not gentleness. Don't let that happen with yours.





BQ: We were looking at James 3, which gives perfect advice on how to manage our relationships. When planning on getting married, we have to look for some of the signs of spiritual illness that might be present, and fix them as soon as possible. 

"But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."

When people repeat something, it's to emphasize it. Notice that jealousy is repeated as something to avoid. That's an early warning sign that something isn't quite right, and we'll look more at it tomorrow.






BQ: In relationships, God warns against jealousy and selfish ambition. One early warning sign that something is sick in a relationship is if jealousy exists, and especially if it is purposefully precipitated.  

Watch out for those who seek to make you jealous while courting. It'll often take a very subtle form...maybe a subtle comment on a picture of someone of the opposite sex on facebook, maybe mentions of how pleasing past love interests were and how it's hard to find someone of their caliber. It'll often be plausibly deniable, and you might even doubt yourself—surely someone you have feelings for wouldn't make you feel insecure, right?

Avoid that. Ask yourself: do you feel like you have to be a detective to figure out if you're really the one your romantic interest is truly interested in? If you do, and if there is any jealousy, the relationship is sick, and is not yet solid ground to build a marriage on.







BQ: We've been looking at James 3 and applying it to planning a marriage. In part, it says, "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Notice all of the PEACE in that passage. It's all about being gentle. Not a pushover, but gentle, forgiving...yet unwavering. Look at you and your love interest. Do you seek to fight to be right?

Look for the warning signs. Does your interest purposefully use mean words to hurt you, to gain an upper hand. If so, don't pass it off as something normal. That's a sign of a deep, serious flaw in the very foundation of the character of a person, and like building a house, a cracked foundation will get worse if not addressed. 






BQ:  We saw that jealousy is horrible in a relationship, and so is strife. The opposite of those two things, really, is harmony. Often Christians will "fall" for someone of the world—someone captive to Satan. 

Have you ever been to a symphony? The harmony of the instruments is beautiful. They work together to accomplish a goal, which is pre-planned. But imagine if just ONE instrument were playing to a totally different song. It would sound horrible. Now imagine that there were only two instruments, and each were playing something exactly the opposite of the other. It would be horrible.

When you're picking your partner for life, pick the one that's singing to the same spiritual tune. Don't pick something that will be discordant and unplanned. Pick harmony.






BQ:  God also likens relationships to house building, saying in Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." In James 3, we saw that we get to choose wisdom from above, or earthly wisdom. Earthly wisdom is easily observed, and often comes in gross packages like, "90% of women choose a man based on the first kiss," or, "flat chests are like flat tires: worthless." 

Instead of picking someone based off those criteria, we should look at criteria from verse two, which notes that those "who walk in uprightness fear the Lord."  How spiritually beautiful is someone? How upright are they? 





BQ: When planning a house, and a marriage, we get our choice of foundation. We can choose a worldly partner, or one who is spiritually grounded. Jesus outlined our choices and said,

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.

Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.” (Mt 7:24-27)

Which foundation do you choose? One that will crumble in the end, or one that stands strong? It is not enough to pick a man or woman who merely hears the word—we must pick the one that shows through their labor that they are acting on it, too.






BQ: Gen 2 says in part,

"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him...  For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

When planning our marriages, we should be doing it because it is best if we are not alone, and best if we have help in our lives. The fact is, we NEED spiritual help, yet we often think of being a "helper" as an un-noteworthy role. Is it really a poor part to play? 

Psalm 54:4 should make it clear that we should all seek to be helpers, because, "Behold, God is my helper; The Lord is the sustainer of my soul."  Find the person that you'll help, complete, and sustain. 






BQ: The Song of Hiawatha, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, illustrated his take on marriage. It said, 

""As unto the bow the cord is,

So unto the man is woman,

Though she bends him, she obeys him,

Though she draws him, yet she follows,

Useless each without the other!""

God noted a similar take on things long before Longfellow, saying in Eccl 4:9-12,

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

When we act together, we can accomplish great things, and resist powerful adversaries. In your marriage, will you have three strands? We all can, if we choose: husband, wife, and God. The strongest of all bonds on this earth.






BQ:  For now, this will be our final look at building houses and marriages. Ultimately, what can make your marriage a solid one? There is one goal, that which if agreed upon, utterly negates selfish ambition and jealousy. 2 Cor 5:9 sums it up, saying,

"Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."

I'll leave you with five very basic tips for now to get your marriage started. They're so simple that anyone can do them.

1.) Determine the purpose for your marriage. To be merely happy (Satan can give you that for a seaon)? To be holy and happy? What is it?
2.) Set goals to accomplish that purpose—maybe just three to start.
3.) Make a plan to accomplish those goals. 
4.) Do the work to accomplish the plan.
5.) Pray and fast about it together, because peace exists in abundance while doing that.

Three Points for Healthy Relationships

Marriages depend on love, commitment, and discipline. Love these days, though, is often thrown about with little regard. It's come to mean, "yeah, I like you a lot," but it's often taken away in the blink of an eye for various reasons. Maybe something nicer looking comes along, or the person wants to do some damage as "punishment" for some wrong, real or not. 

With that in mind, I'd like to look at some verses and apply to them to marriage, dating, etc. Basically, this is a mini-study that I've for me to correct some of my own aberrant behavior. I hope it's helpful to you, too. Let's look at 3 points that I need to work on. 



1: Consistency is Key:


Starting off, let's look at Luke 7:24-27.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.  The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”

Apply this to a relationship. God is called the, "Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadows." In our relationship with God, there is an INCREDIBLY solid foundation. Unlike sand, there is NOTHING to shift around and cause us to sink or break apart, but everything to provide the firmest foundation.

When getting a relationship started (and continuing it), it's incredibly important to be consistent and without variation. People fear the unknown, and variation puts all sorts of unknown variables into the equation, which in turn makes the relationship one with an underlying miasma of fear.

Personally, I need to work on being more consistent. I've gotten better, but I can still be somewhat inconsistent. As a man, I need to be solid, strong, and courageous, with persistence and patience. A family and marriage will need a solid foundation, and I need to provide that.

Ladies are designed as "suitable helpmates" (Gen 2:18) for men.  I think of it like a puzzle. Some pieces will fit together, but not very well. In order for the puzzle to link together and really stay in place, the complementary pieces need to be hooked together. If one or both pieces are somehow changing shape and having variation, like shifting sand, it's going to be very hard for that puzzle to stay together. As suitable helpmates, women can offer great reassurance to man by being stable and consistent.





2: Tears Don't Mean Failure

It's tempting to look at a relationship and say, "Man, this is a lot of work."  Sometimes relationships drive us to cry, and our effort seems fruitless. However, tears coming from working to make a relationship work don't mean failure. In fact, in our relationship with Christ, we go out to others showing love for them, and it can be painful. Psalms 126:6 says,

"He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,

Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

Our society encourages a throwaway mentality, but if you're in a relationship, don't throw it away. Stick with it through the tears, all the way to the end. The loudest shouts of joy often come when we overcome the most!





3: Do You Love Like Christ?

I used to throw people away when stuff didn't work. "Well I'm not going to date you anymore, so kindly stay 100% out of my life," was pretty much my attitude. However, I'm a Christian, which means that I am like Christ. Indeed, I say that I have the mind of Christ, which means that I can't be like that. Why not?

I often use the "l" word, but not "love" like America sees it. These days, it's serious business to me. I love everyone, and in dating or relationships, it's the same. Sometimes things MIGHT not work out; sometimes for a little bit, and sometimes permanently. But that doesn't change how I'm going to act. 

Here's why:

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:38-39)

I want to be like Christ, and that means I want my love to be like Christ. Just because something goes wrong doesn't mean that I'll let it separate my love from the person. Love transcends my desires and is replaced by Christ's. If you really love someone, you won't give up on them. You might be forced into a different type of relationship with them emotionally, but spiritually you'll still love them, be there for them, and seek to help them maximize their potential in Christ. That's what love is. It doesn't stop just because it's hurt or upset. It sees damage and wants to heal, it seems pitfalls and wants to help avoid, and it endures forever. It is the greatest thing we can offer. 

8 principles for healthy, Christian relationships

From the book, Extraordinary Mercy, I'd like to explore eight principles that will help Christians have healthy relationships.
 

1—Ephesians 4:1 says to "live a life worthy of the calling." Isaiah prophesied of a people who would submit to God all the time, not just on one day of the week. Our objective cannot be to straddle the fence with one foot in the heavenly places and one in the world. If we aim 100% to be like Christ, everything else will flow from that. We'll still explore those other principles, however. 
 

2—Ephesians 4:2-3 says to have, "all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." It's hard sometimes, but being open to other opinions is important.  It's important to be united in a relationship instead of divided, and tomorrow we'll explore some of the critical areas on which we must unite. 
 

3—There are seven core "ones" in Christianity on which we must unite.   "There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling;  one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all." (Eph 4:4-6) We must agree on the essential nature of all of these items, just as God does.
 

4—We must speak the truth in love. We cannot use this as a loophole to pull out the shotguns. People must know that we care before they care what we know.  "Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." (Eph 4:15) Without truth, "love" is nothing more than empty flattery of the flesh. Without love, truth is a crushing hammer. We must combine them.
 

5— "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." It is critical to resolve anger quickly, lest it master us. We must not try to simply "live with it."  We must not wait. While God acknowledges that not all anger is sin, anger which festers destroys. To have healthy relationships, we must resolve it. 
 

6. Learn to control your words if you want to be spiritually healthy. How often I've heard Christians tell perverted or cruel jokes and many other things. Instead, "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." (Eph 4:29) This is so often callously, carelessly violated. One of my Christian friends bragged, in a way similar to how I used to, that she was a "lady" who could be just as dirty as a sailor. Consider the verse above again.  How does it compare to your current style of speech? What do you need to change? 
 

7. Forgive as God forgives. What can draw people to Christ is if we act like Him, especially if we can forgive those who hurt us as He forgave. If a relationship features people holding grudges and being bitter, it is one which doesn't care about what Christ did. Instead, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Eph 4:32) The motivation to act like that will not come from what others have done, but rather for what God has done for us. We were enemies of God, yet He chose to love us, not hate us. We deserve no forgiveness, but have it. We should incorporate this type of forgiveness into our relationships. 
 

8. Give of yourself. This is actually from Ephesians 5:1. "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children;  and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." Christian means Christ-like. If we are to be true Christians, we must sacrifice personally out of love. There is no greater example than that of Jesus and the cross. Are you willing to sacrifice everything for your relationships, in order to show love and glorify God? Sacrifice your ego, your pride; the hurt you might sometimes feel? Sacrifice as God has sacrificed gives great glory to God, encourages others, and pleases Him.