Enjoying your spouse.

BQ: I'm thinking about doing some more stuff on marriage since I'm SOOOOO close to getting married.  

We've often covered the importance of putting the spirituality first, so don't throw that to the wind. Still, when getting to know a lady, it's important for the man to ask, "Is this a relationship that I enjoy?" Sometimes, deep down, the answer is "no." Maybe it's too full of drama and turmoil, or maybe the personalities just don't match quite right so, while there is some attraction, there's not too much enjoyment. 

This really goes both ways, but God tells men to, "Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun." (Eccl 9:9) Before getting into a relationship for life, it's important to make sure that it will not only be edifying, but enjoyable.

Three Points for Healthy Relationships

Marriages depend on love, commitment, and discipline. Love these days, though, is often thrown about with little regard. It's come to mean, "yeah, I like you a lot," but it's often taken away in the blink of an eye for various reasons. Maybe something nicer looking comes along, or the person wants to do some damage as "punishment" for some wrong, real or not. 

With that in mind, I'd like to look at some verses and apply to them to marriage, dating, etc. Basically, this is a mini-study that I've for me to correct some of my own aberrant behavior. I hope it's helpful to you, too. Let's look at 3 points that I need to work on. 



1: Consistency is Key:


Starting off, let's look at Luke 7:24-27.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.  The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”

Apply this to a relationship. God is called the, "Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadows." In our relationship with God, there is an INCREDIBLY solid foundation. Unlike sand, there is NOTHING to shift around and cause us to sink or break apart, but everything to provide the firmest foundation.

When getting a relationship started (and continuing it), it's incredibly important to be consistent and without variation. People fear the unknown, and variation puts all sorts of unknown variables into the equation, which in turn makes the relationship one with an underlying miasma of fear.

Personally, I need to work on being more consistent. I've gotten better, but I can still be somewhat inconsistent. As a man, I need to be solid, strong, and courageous, with persistence and patience. A family and marriage will need a solid foundation, and I need to provide that.

Ladies are designed as "suitable helpmates" (Gen 2:18) for men.  I think of it like a puzzle. Some pieces will fit together, but not very well. In order for the puzzle to link together and really stay in place, the complementary pieces need to be hooked together. If one or both pieces are somehow changing shape and having variation, like shifting sand, it's going to be very hard for that puzzle to stay together. As suitable helpmates, women can offer great reassurance to man by being stable and consistent.





2: Tears Don't Mean Failure

It's tempting to look at a relationship and say, "Man, this is a lot of work."  Sometimes relationships drive us to cry, and our effort seems fruitless. However, tears coming from working to make a relationship work don't mean failure. In fact, in our relationship with Christ, we go out to others showing love for them, and it can be painful. Psalms 126:6 says,

"He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,

Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

Our society encourages a throwaway mentality, but if you're in a relationship, don't throw it away. Stick with it through the tears, all the way to the end. The loudest shouts of joy often come when we overcome the most!





3: Do You Love Like Christ?

I used to throw people away when stuff didn't work. "Well I'm not going to date you anymore, so kindly stay 100% out of my life," was pretty much my attitude. However, I'm a Christian, which means that I am like Christ. Indeed, I say that I have the mind of Christ, which means that I can't be like that. Why not?

I often use the "l" word, but not "love" like America sees it. These days, it's serious business to me. I love everyone, and in dating or relationships, it's the same. Sometimes things MIGHT not work out; sometimes for a little bit, and sometimes permanently. But that doesn't change how I'm going to act. 

Here's why:

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:38-39)

I want to be like Christ, and that means I want my love to be like Christ. Just because something goes wrong doesn't mean that I'll let it separate my love from the person. Love transcends my desires and is replaced by Christ's. If you really love someone, you won't give up on them. You might be forced into a different type of relationship with them emotionally, but spiritually you'll still love them, be there for them, and seek to help them maximize their potential in Christ. That's what love is. It doesn't stop just because it's hurt or upset. It sees damage and wants to heal, it seems pitfalls and wants to help avoid, and it endures forever. It is the greatest thing we can offer. 

The Heart, the Center of Life

This is a broad topic that I'll call, "At the Core, it's the Heart." It will answer the question, "What are characteristics of the heart?"  Can you name some?

1st, your heart should be carefully guarded:
 

Watch over your heart with all diligence,

For from it flow the springs of life. (Pr 4:23)

We have to be careful with our hearts, because having damage to them damages one's entire life. 

2nd, your heart determines your character: 

For as he thinks within himself, so he is.

He says to you, “Eat and drink!”

But his heart is not with you. (Pr 23:7)

Kind words don't matter if not backed up by action. In being careful with our hearts, we also have to observe the actions of others that proclaim to have desire for us. Especially in romance, people can get stuck in abusive cycles by listening to the words of the abuser and not the actions. 

3rd, it is the source of defilement when not cleaned:

"But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man."(Mt 15:18)

This is basically the same as the next one, but the heart is our character. If it's harboring some oily, dark problems, expect them to be manifested in our lives. But if it's pure and upright, expect to see it shining no matter what.

4th, it controls your speech: 

"The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart." (Lu 6:45)

Ever had someone hurt you with words on purpose? Evil words are just that: evil. They don't spring up out of nowhere, but rather flow from the heart. It's fine to be honest, but it's not fine to seek to do damage to someone else. Ever. Satan's the enemy here. 

5th, it is the source of belief:

"for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation." (Rom 10:10)

This one is important. We can go through every nice action in the world, but if our heart does not have conviction, there is no belief, and it's all for naught. It's the same in ANY relationship. If your heart isn't in it, it's going to be hollow; a facade filled with nothing. No happy memories, nothing. 

6th, it can be a deceitful thing:

“The heart is more deceitful than all else

And is desperately sick;

Who can understand it?" (Jer 17:9)

Man, this one always hits home. For me, it's in relationships. I used to be drawn to people that I knew weren't good, but I said, "Hey, that's love for you! Can't help what my heart loves." How wrong I was. The heart can be incredibly deceitful, and we need to rely instead on the mind of Christ. (1 Cor 2:16)

7th, it can be stricken by failing to obtain something desired:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But desire fulfilled is a tree of life." (Pro 13:12)

Here's a good quote to sum this up: "Delay in the accomplishment of some much-desired goal occasions sinking of the spirits and despondence; but, when the object of longing is obtained, it is a tree of life."  

This is the same in our love relationships with Christ and with our marriage partners. If we delay being immersed and receiving the Holy Spirit, we often encounter needless heartsickness, because we leave a hole in our lives. The same thing can be said of a man not going for his suitable helpmate. 

8th, a broken heart is a true form of illness that affects even the strongest person:

So the king said to me, “Why is your face sad though you are not sick? This is nothing but sadness of heart. Then I was very much afraid.” (Neh 2:2) 

A sad heart is the hardest wound to heal. 


9th, hearts can be broken, but they can also be healed and strengthened:

Reproach has broken my heart and I am so sick.

And I looked for sympathy, but there was none,

And for comforters, but I found none. (Psa 69:20) 

"For it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace." (Heb 13:9)


Luckily, God can heal any damage to us, including to our hearts, and he can strengthen us beyond our comprehension! :)

Characteristics of Married Love

BQ: Love in marriage is essential. This is kind of a one-off sort of BQ, but I was looking at some things that married love did in the Bible, or how it was described. It's kinda pleasant to share.

Married love brings comfort even after the death of a loved one: 
"Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her; thus Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death."  Gen 24:67 

Married love makes time seem to go by faster and better: 
"So Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her." (Ge 29:20)* (Or the sort of love that will lead to a marriage, in this case, but it remained the same, so I'm including it!)

Married love cannot be replaced by all the riches in the world: 
“Many waters cannot quench love,

Nor will rivers overflow it;

If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love,

It would be utterly despised.” (Song 8:7)

Things to appreciate in Christian dating.

BQ: Because I'm a youngish single man, I'm always fairly interested in finding an awesome, Christian wife. One thing I've noticed, though, is that often Christian girls are like, "Yep, Christian dude, yawn," whereas non-Christian girls appreciate me a ton. Why might this be?

I think that Daniel starts with part of the answer in 12:3, "Those who have insight will shine brightly like the brightness of the expanse of heaven, and those who lead the many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever." I'm not exactly full of insight, but I'm able to parrot what God says in the Bible, and I think that makes me shine a little brighter to some people in the world.

Luke 6:36-50 recounts a similar-ish thing, and in part it says, "“There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?43 Simon answered and said, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.”"

People who are the most in the dark at times appreciate the light far more than those who are wandering around in broad daylight. And I'm not saying that I'm the light, but I do at least try and have my lantern shining, so maybe people are at least attracted to that! It's certainly an odd position for a young, Christian guy to be in. :)

BQ: As a single Christian, there are opportunities to date people who are also Christian. I try and always be mindful of how God views me, since my marriage to Christ comes first. If you're a Christian, what vibe do you give off?
 

I've seen some Christians that I wouldn't date because they fit into the mold of the sons of Gad and Reuben in Num 32:6, which says, "But Moses said to the sons of Gad and to the sons of Reuben, “Shall your brothers go to war while you yourselves sit here?" Often people will realize that they're kind of lazy and try to cloak it with nice words as Jehu did when he said, " “Come with me and see my zeal for the Lord.” (2 Kings 10:16)

If you're a real Christian, you probably want to see some real Christian attributes, and not just words. Why? 1 Thess 3:7 nails it: "In all our distress and affliction we were comforted about you through your faith."  If your partner is faithful to God, you'll always have a reason for comfort! 
 

Playing games when you're dating.

BQ: In budding relationships, people sometimes try and pit one person against another to make themselves seem more valuable. What does God say about this?

A: "Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, But who can stand before jealousy?" (Pro 27:4) If you check it out, Proverbs 6 mentions jealousy in the same manner, except it's associated with adultery. 

Jealousy in relationships is very unhealthy when it's created to manipulate someone, and it's considered even worse than anger and wrath. Don't use it as a tool or try to "play the game." Why begin a relationship with someone that's associated with failed marriages? Be open, honest, and loving instead.
 

8 principles for healthy, Christian relationships

From the book, Extraordinary Mercy, I'd like to explore eight principles that will help Christians have healthy relationships.
 

1—Ephesians 4:1 says to "live a life worthy of the calling." Isaiah prophesied of a people who would submit to God all the time, not just on one day of the week. Our objective cannot be to straddle the fence with one foot in the heavenly places and one in the world. If we aim 100% to be like Christ, everything else will flow from that. We'll still explore those other principles, however. 
 

2—Ephesians 4:2-3 says to have, "all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." It's hard sometimes, but being open to other opinions is important.  It's important to be united in a relationship instead of divided, and tomorrow we'll explore some of the critical areas on which we must unite. 
 

3—There are seven core "ones" in Christianity on which we must unite.   "There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling;  one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all." (Eph 4:4-6) We must agree on the essential nature of all of these items, just as God does.
 

4—We must speak the truth in love. We cannot use this as a loophole to pull out the shotguns. People must know that we care before they care what we know.  "Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." (Eph 4:15) Without truth, "love" is nothing more than empty flattery of the flesh. Without love, truth is a crushing hammer. We must combine them.
 

5— "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." It is critical to resolve anger quickly, lest it master us. We must not try to simply "live with it."  We must not wait. While God acknowledges that not all anger is sin, anger which festers destroys. To have healthy relationships, we must resolve it. 
 

6. Learn to control your words if you want to be spiritually healthy. How often I've heard Christians tell perverted or cruel jokes and many other things. Instead, "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." (Eph 4:29) This is so often callously, carelessly violated. One of my Christian friends bragged, in a way similar to how I used to, that she was a "lady" who could be just as dirty as a sailor. Consider the verse above again.  How does it compare to your current style of speech? What do you need to change? 
 

7. Forgive as God forgives. What can draw people to Christ is if we act like Him, especially if we can forgive those who hurt us as He forgave. If a relationship features people holding grudges and being bitter, it is one which doesn't care about what Christ did. Instead, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Eph 4:32) The motivation to act like that will not come from what others have done, but rather for what God has done for us. We were enemies of God, yet He chose to love us, not hate us. We deserve no forgiveness, but have it. We should incorporate this type of forgiveness into our relationships. 
 

8. Give of yourself. This is actually from Ephesians 5:1. "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children;  and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." Christian means Christ-like. If we are to be true Christians, we must sacrifice personally out of love. There is no greater example than that of Jesus and the cross. Are you willing to sacrifice everything for your relationships, in order to show love and glorify God? Sacrifice your ego, your pride; the hurt you might sometimes feel? Sacrifice as God has sacrificed gives great glory to God, encourages others, and pleases Him.