Learning to Say Yes—Melissa →

Learning to Say Yes

Every once in a while, we have a post here on Maidservants of Christ that is rated PG-13 for adult situations.  This is one such post.  If you normally let your child read over your shoulder, you might want to save this one for a more private setting.

I was raised a “good girl.” Brought up in church, I got the yearly lessons about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Being a people pleaser and rule follower from the start, I generally followed the guidelines given to me (except the rock and roll part – I couldn’t stay away from Elvis!). Like many Christian girls with this background, I took a certain pride in my sexual purity.  I was a virgin until I was married, and I’ve only ever been with my husband. I may struggle with other sins, but sexual sin is not a problem! 

Or is it?

photo credit: via photopin (license)

While American Christian culture succeeded in keeping me and many girls from my generation pure until marriage, it failed in teaching us to enjoy (yes, I said enjoy!) sex with our husbands as God intended.  As a result, I carried a lot of inhibitions into my marriage.  I’ve often thought, “If it weren’t for sex, our relationship would be perfect.” There have been times since our wedding where my husband has felt rejected, and I have not always acted as if my body belongs to him. We’ve had “dry spells” that had nothing to do with sickness or childbirth, and they were not his choice.  I committed sexual sin! 

Although talking about sex is a big taboo in Christian culture, I know I’m not the only Christian woman to have faced this problem.  So when Jay Dee from sexwithinmarriage.com asked us to take a look at his online course “Becoming More Sexually Engaged – for Christian Wives,” I agreed eagerly. Through his website, Jay provides anonymous Christian marriage coaching (not counseling), and one theme he had noticed over and over from women who came to him with questions is that many wanted to know how to be more sexually engaged (that is, more receptive to sex and less inhibited).  In order to help more women at a time, he wrote this online course with input from his wife, Christina.  The course (composed of 30 lessons in 9 “modules”) is intended to let women see things from a man’s point of view, not a woman’s idea of a man’s point of view (more on that later).

Once I got past the discomfort of reading about sex, I found the content of the course to be impressive.  Wherever possible, the lessons are grounded in Scripture.  Not only does he use the expected verses from Song of Solomon, 1 Corinthians 7, and Genesis 1, but he also uses Scripture to encourage wives to make time for sex with their husbands or to be comfortable being naked in front of them.  He never used the Bible as a club, though. There was no sense of “guilting” women into being more sexually receptive to their husbands.

On the contrary, the more scientific sections helped me to understand some of the reasons that God would tell wives not to deny their husbands sex.  Remember what I said about “a woman’s idea of a man’s point of view?” I always assumed a man’s desire for sex was largely physical, but the course taught me that my husband wants intimacy because he wants to feel connected to me. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, is one that women produce fairly easily and have in abundance.  Men have much lower levels, but they peak at, well, a sexual peak.  They also go back down to a normal low level much more quickly in men then in women.  In other words, while women want to feel connected before having sex, men want to have sex in order to feel connected, and the more often sex happens, the more connected they feel. The up side for women is that when a man feels more connected, he is more likely to do those things for his wife that make her feel loved.

In addition to helping me understand my husband more, the course was useful in its wealth of practical suggestions. Er, not THAT kind of practical.  If you are looking for those kind of bedroom tips, you’ll have to look elsewhere!  But if you want to know, for instance, how to learn to communicate about sex or how to overcome fear/embarrassment in initiating sex with your husband, these lessons have a lot of good practical skills to teach.  My favorite tips were the ones for “switching gears and getting excited about sex” because after a long day with three children, physical intimacy is often the last thing I want.

Each module gives you a chance to put these suggestions into practice with a “challenge,” something you should do to be more sexually engaged in your marriage.  If you do the course as suggested, you wouldn’t move to the next subject until you have worked up to the completing the challenge.  The author has said that most women taking the course take 2-3 months to work through all the challenges.*

As a teenager, I hated the yearly “don’t have sex” lesson.  As a young married woman, I wish this course had been available to me much earlier. Wives need to hear “please have sex” as much or more than teenagers need to hear the negative lesson.  Sexual sin comes in many forms and can affect marriages drastically. If you are a wife struggling with being sexually engaged in your marriage, I would recommend this course.  Click HERE to access the course. For the next week (until November 11), if you use the coupon code MaidServantsofChrist, you can get the course at the reduced rate of $50.**  For the rest of November, it is on sale for $70. The regular cost is $100.  Now that may sound like a lot for an online course, but in terms of marriage help, it is cheaper than counseling.  If the sexual side of your marriage remains troubled for long, you may end up in the counselor’s office.  I think it is well worth the money to deal with the issue now.

Melissa

*When you finish the regular lessons, you will receive an email with a link for some downloadable bonus material.  Fair warning: the language in one and subject material in the other may be objectionable to many of our readers. 

**This is an affiliate link.  Maidservants of Christ will receive a small commission if you order from this link.  We would never endorse something we didn’t fully believe in for any amount of money.

Equal Partners—Helene →

Equal Partners

I have two girls, an elementary-aged homeschooler and a teen in public school.  I tell them both (ad nauseum) “Don’t even DATE anyone who doesn’t love Jesus more than you.”  You may believe I am an old stick in the mud, but it is actually the adventure of living with God that has convinced me more than anything else of the wisdom of this idea.

For every woman who follows God, two things should be true.  First, she is a soldier in the army of the Lord.  He calls, she goes.  Second, she must be faithful in the circumstances of her life. 1 Corinthians 7 speaks to this powerfully.

This leads us to two possible conclusions.  Young men and women can chose to be soldiers first and soldiers only.  They can live celibate single lives with the aim of being free from entanglement, so they can go and serve God at a moment’s notice in any situation. Paul recommends this lifestyle in part because of the crisis of persecution his readers were facing. (1 Corinthians 7:7)

The second possible conclusion is that young men and women of faith can pair up.  If they both long to be of service in God’s Kingdom, they can be partners in their work.

This partnership extends to every arena.   Each can take turns with things like child care so the other can teach a Bible class.  They can go together on mission trips.  She can provide the hospitality, and he can provide the lesson, and between them they can be amazingly effective evangelists.  Not only are they both blessed in their “external” work but they are partners at home as well.  From family devotionals to family mission trips, child-rearing with two parents wholly dedicated to God is an adventure of its own.  A couple like this can pray and walk through any door God opens.

Unfortunately what I see happen on a fairly regular basis is a mental disconnect.  The ideas of being available to God and mate selection simply aren’t connected.  When these young women date, fall in love with, and marry men who aren’t committed to the Lord, they soon find themselves not only unsupported as Christian mothers but hampered as Christian workers altogether. 

The other day at the Senior Center where I volunteer, I walked past a flyer looking for volunteers to teach a class.  I called the number, and I’ll be teaching a ladies Bible class there in November.  The class will take up (with travel time, visiting etc) about 2 hours a week.  The preparations will take another couple of hours.  To my husband it is no big deal.  He supports me in my work just like I support him in his.  We prayed for more opportunities in our community; God provided, and I get to teach.  This would have been more difficult without my husband’s wholehearted commitment to God. 

However, there was a time when the answer to our prayers wasn’t a class at the senior center but a house church in a developing country.  The adventure God had in mind was selling everything we owned and spending the better part of a decade abroad.  He blessed us in a more ways than we can count, financially, physically, and in a fruitful work and growing family. But can you imagine that adventure if only one of us really wanted to serve God?  Impossible. 

Today I am talking to mothers and young women.  Mothers because what you tell your daughter to look for in a mate matters.  Young women because one of the men you date will become your spouse.   (If, on the other hand, you are already married to a man who isn’t a Christian, please don’t imagine that God doesn’t have work for you to do.  He does.  And the first of it is to be faithful in the responsibilities right in front of you. See 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 for more information.)

There are other reasons and scriptures that we could look to talk about the wisdom of marrying a faithful believer (2 Corinthians 6:14-18).  Yet I think this one reason is enough.  More than anything I want to be right in the middle of the awesome work God is doing in the world. In my living room, down the street or around the world, I want to be ready.  I have been blessed beyond measure to have an equal partner-a husband who follows God with all his heart, and I hope the Kingdom has been blessed by our work in the Father's service.  If you urge your daughters to genuine wholehearted service to God, urge them to find mates who mean to do the same!

Helene

The Only Happy Wife—Helene →

The Only Happy Wife

This post dates from several years ago but seemed to be a perfect way to end our mini-series on marriage. I am thrilled to share with you that the dear daughter in this story is now our sister in Christ.  

Recently I sat at the kitchen table and had a belly-laugh with my husband.  The two of us are sometimes like conjoined twins.  Except backwards.  Two bodies, one brain with the same bizarre sense of humor.  I could try to explain the joke; it was all about prayer, confession and this book we've been reading, but I assure you it would fall flat. Snorting, I laid my head down on the kitchen table catching a glance of my eldest daughter rolling her eyes at her crazy parents. 

You might suspect us of irreverence, but it's actually pain transformed into humor.  These days our relationship has gained a lot from sharing a laugh at the hard times.  We've struggled together with our rebellious hearts.  We've laughed together so we didn't cry over how to discipline the 4 year old without losing our minds.  We've read books together and talked over the theology.  We've read the Bible together and learned from each other.  We've always been happy but our happiness is deeply grounded these days.

Why do I bring it up?  Because of another conversation, one that was devoid of all humor.  There's a girl in our lives.  A little too old to be one of our children and too young to be our little sister.  She's precious to us. Her own father died long ago; my husband was the first man of integrity, kindness, and grace in her life. She calls him "Captain" in memory of the Walt Whitman poem.   When she's having trouble with work, study, boys, or life, she'll call and ask for him, just like I call and talk to my Dad.  

She's visiting these days and we were out shopping together.  She took my arm, leaned on my shoulder and sighed, "You're the only happy wife I know."

She looked around at the important women in her life, family members, coworkers, a boss she's close to, and found that they are all miserable in their marriages. Each one of them has been a role model for her. Strong women one and all, they differ in other respects such as money, education and prestige.  Among them, I am the only happy wife.  I asked her, "Are they happy (in general)?" And the answer came back, "No".  Not only am I the only happy wife, I am the only happy girl. 

I'll be talking to her the next couple of days.  What to say?  She's not yet a Christian, so the advice I give my girls and my mom gave me, "Find a man who loves Jesus and loves you," doesn't quite ring true.

Her other female mentors had this advice. "Be careful in your marriage!"  I agree with them wholeheartedly; our marriage partner helps to determine our destiny.  I added, "Be careful with your marriage!"  Marriages are fragile and easily broken.  

I pointed out to her the need for mutual submission in marriage. There's a reason that Ephesians 5:21 begins the passage on love and respect with the admonition to submit to each other.  Or take Philippians 2 which bases unity in putting others ahead of ourselves in imitation of our Savior.   It's one of the keys to a happy marriage.   I said, "Sometimes I give in, sometimes Captain does."

"Compromise?" she asked.     

"Sometimes there's no compromise.  We just have to put the other person first."  I replied. "No one can have their way all the time."

"You give in to Captain!" she said with a glint in her eye.  She's observed my attempts at submission incredulously for years.  

"Nope, more often Captain sees what I want and gives in to me.  He loves me you know." Her eyes softened. 

I'm not sure what else to say.  I don't know how to explain that its the sharing that's the thing.  We've shared laughter and pain.  We've shared funerals, weddings, births and baptisms.  We've shared minuscule efficiency apartments, a house, and 3 different homes abroad.  We've shared showers, sleepless nights, and single-sized beds in ratty hotels!  We share communion.  We share our girls.  We share 15 years of memories. We share our love for the Lord.  We share.

I laughingly say we share one brain but it's very near the truth.  We are unified.  Two made one.  I respect the Captain and put his wisdom first.  The Captain adores me and wants to please me above almost everything.  Two become one. It's a great mystery. Consider this:

In the same way, a husband should love his wife as much as he loves himself. A husband who loves his wife shows that he loves himself. None of us hate our own bodies. We provide for them and take good care of them, just as Christ does for the church, because we are each part of his body.  As the Scriptures say, "A man leaves his father and mother to get married, and he becomes like one person with his wife."   This is a great mystery, but I understand it to mean Christ and his church. So each husband should love his wife as much as he loves himself, and each wife should respect her husband. (CEV)

 A mystery of sharing. 

What would you say?  What makes you a happy wife?  Are you the only happy wife you know?

Helene