"I am my Beloved's, and His Desire is for Me"
Most of the time, our posts here at Maidservants of Christ are perfectly appropriate for readers of all ages. But today in our series on marriage, we'll be speaking of the more intimate parts of the marriage relationship. If your child likes to read over your shoulder, today might be the day to read in your room. As a follow up to our review of the e-course "Becoming More Sexually Engaged - For Christian wives," here is a reprint of the Make a Difference Monday post on the same topic that first got us in contact with the author of the course.
When I was preparing to get married 13 years ago, one of the lessons that was pounded into my brain from many different sources is that love and marriage are hard work, and I couldn't expect the infatuation I'd enjoyed for our 2 years of courtship to last. That's all well and good, but somehow I got "infatuation" and "passion" all mixed up. So as the years went by and we had children, I thought it perfectly natural that sex was happening less often. It's to be expected, right? Girls, that's not okay.
The Bible has a lot to say about sex. Understandable, since God created and ordained it. The very first commandment given to Adam and Eve was to "be fruitful and multiply." That only happens one way, folks. Lest we think that God only created sex for reproduction, though, the Bible has other places that talk about the joys of marital activities. The Proverbs writer says this:
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Proverbs 5:18-19.
That doesn't sound like sex's only function is to make babies. That sounds like sex is supposed to be fun! Not only is it fun, but regular sex is a command for married couples. In 1 Corinthians, Paul states plainly that we are not to deprive one another except for prayer, and that our bodies don't even belong to ourselves but to our spouses (1 Corinthians 7:2-5).
And let's not forget that one book of the Bible actually centers around married sex. Even if you hold fast to the idea that Song of Solomon is an allegory of Christ and the Church, you can't deny that the plain words of the book are a graphic description of a human marriage in all its glory.
Recently I read a book about marriage (The Top 10 Most Outrageous Couples in the Bible, by David Clarke) that pointed out an example of sexual rejection and its consequences in Song of Solomon (5:2-9). The author went on to say that sexual rejection is a very painful thing. "When one spouse consistently says no to sex, the rejected spouse is deeply wounded. And the marriage is deeply wounded. The rejected spouse feels angry, terribly frustrated, hurt, humiliated, and betrayed." Ouch. Suddenly, a decrease in sexual passion is a very serious thing.
So how do we fix it? As busy moms who may not have the raging desire for sex that we once had, how can we bring the passion back to our marriages? I have done some reading, from the book mentioned above and other Christian sources, and I've found a few things that we can do to make sure that sex is not only more regular, but more fun.
- Schedule sex. I know it sounds terribly unromantic, but the reality is that spontaneous sex is not likely to happen for couples with busy schedules and multiple children. Your husband would rather have sex that is scheduled than not have it at all because you neglected to make time for it.
- Mentally prepare. Your husband is likely ready for sex all times, but we ladies need to be in the right mental and emotional state. We can't put all the responsibility for that on our husbands. Clarke mentions that Shulamith in the Song of Solomon thinks positive things about Solomon even when he's not around. She fantasizes about him to prepare herself for sex with him. We can do the same.
- Physically prepare. I don't know about you, but there are places on me that don't smell so good by the end of the day. Even if we don't have time to take a full shower, we can do a spot clean to make our bodies ready for our husbands.
- Start talking. Perhaps our husband need this message more than we do, but foreplay can begin before the clothes come off. Instead of going from TV to sex or parenting to sex, take some time to have deep conversation about your day. Include compliments and gratitude to your husband. Emotional connections make for better physical connections, especially for us ladies.
- Keep talking. Once the night's activities are underway, let him know what you like and listen to what he likes. I'm not suggesting a ton of chatter, just open communication about what feels good to you.
- Shake it up. Sex should never feel routine. If you are doing the same things every time, try something new next time. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
- Buy a bedroom lock. 'Nuff said.
- Be careful of your sources. I like resources, but if you are looking on the internet for ways to spice up your sex life, please be careful. It is very easy to stumble onto sites that are in no way holy. A few places I've found that are dedicated to married Christian sex are www.sexwithinmarriage.com and www.themarriagebed.com. They'll not link to anything pornographic, but the frank discussions are not prudish.
- You don't have to feel like it. One of the best gifts you can give your husband is the gift of sex when you aren't "in the mood." If it is scheduled and you aren't sick or exhausted, don't say no simply because you don't feel like it. Meh sex is better than no sex for your husband. It doesn't have to be spectacular for you every time. It's like lunch. Everyone NEEDS to eat. Nobody is necessarily like "OH! A peanut butter sandwich sounds so much better than lobster." But if you're hungry, a quick peanut butter sandwich every day for lunch beats starving with a fine dish of lobster once a week.
- Consider birth control other than the pill. Studies have shown that birth control pills can put a serious damper on a woman's libido. If you still need birth control, consider other methods.
- Know when you need help. We have only looked at relatively small sexual problems in a marriage, but we all know there are much bigger issues. Pornography addiction, adultery, and a history of sexual abuse are all things that Christian couples sometimes have to deal with. Start2finish.com has a long series of podcasts dealing with pornography. On happyhealthyholyhome.com, Chantelle has a series aimed at women who may have difficulty enjoying sex. Some problems though, will require professional help. Please be careful to choose a Christian counselor.
The Bible is clear that regular sex is not something that should stop in a marriage just because we have hit forty or have three kids. I'll not try to define "regular," but I will say that if you have said no to your husband more than you've said yes, that's a problem. If he's stopped asking, it's an even bigger problem. Keeping our husbands happy in bed is a command, but it shouldn't be an onerous one. We can enjoy it every bit as much as they do. I'm not saying we shouldn't do it if it isn't fun. I'm saying that if we do the things listed above, we can enjoy being the wife God created us to be.
Melissa