Various Thoughts on Marriage

Submitting to a Husband

 

BQ: In a Bible study I was having with a girl recently (solicited at her request, which made me happy), she mentioned wanting to assemble with the saints, but not wanting to disrespect her husband, as he might not appreciate her doing it. It is true that God tells wives to submit to their husbands (and there is much more that can be said about that in the opposite direction), but should they skip assembly because a husband does not like it?

 

No. God commands that we submit first to Him in all things. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18)."  Ideally the wife will have married a man who is after God's own heart. Regardless of who she has married, she must submit to God over man. PN372

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiritual Adultery

 

BQ: God is described as "jealous" at some points. Why is this?

 

Jealousy can be a vice (Gal 5:9), but it can also be godly (2 Cor 11:2). Throughout the Bible, God is presented as a compassionate spouse. He becomes full of incredibly sadness when His people leave him. "My heart is turned over within Me, all my compassions are kindled" (Hos 11:8).

 

When jealousy is used in regards to God, it is associated with people worshiping false gods. God has suffered the pain of his spouse repeatedly cheating, and explains in Eze 6:9, "How I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me, and by their eyes which play the harlot after their idols."  He explains that loving the world instead of Him is adultery. (Jms 4:4)

 

One interesting reason that God is torn hurt by an adulterous people is because He wants us to come to Him, where there is eternal life. As He says in Jer 2:13, "for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." God wants dearly for us to partake of living waters; it is incredibly painful when we cheat on Him and desiccate our souls. PN374

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apathy in Marriage?

 

 

 

BQ: If one spouse cheated on the other, and the other spouse was indifferent, would it suggest love? Of course not. Apathy doesn't care.

 

One aspect of God's desire to be in a covenant relationship with His people is that He does care. God's jealousy not only shows that He cares, but is also often longsuffering. His anger is reluctant. "Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? Why will you die, O house of Israel?  For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord God; so turn, and live.” (Eze 18:23;31-32) 

 

In the book of Amos, as well as many others, God repeatedly attempts to get His people to return to Him, yet the response is so often, "Yet you have not returned to Me." Sometimes people present God's anger as prideful and arrogant, yet we see that He shows great love, vulnerability, and reluctance to give up on anyone. God is the ultimate forgiver.  PN375

 

 

 

 

 

Bringing Happiness to a Wife

 

 

 

BQ: Marriages in America so often fail. What interesting command did God give newlywed Israelites, and how does it apply to marriages today?

 

"When a man has taken a wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5).

 

God recognized the importance of spouses devoting time to one another and building bonds that would last a lifetime, to the point that soldiers were released from duty to accomplish it. Today newly-married couples often don't devote extra time to their marriages, instead allocating it to the worries of the world just as they had before it was married. This leads to problems down the road. 

 

It's important to grow spiritually together and to bring each other great happiness. Grow deep roots while there is a chance. :) PN376

 

 

 

Had a Marriage Fail?

 

  BQ: Have you ever had a marriage fail? Has it made you feel like a failure or like you're not worth much? 

 

One thing I need to point out: if you've had this happen but you've been putting God first, great things can come of it, and it does NOT mean that you're a failure. God discusses the worst of hardships, and look at what He says:

 

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written,“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long; We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:31;35-37)

 

Look at that horrible list, and yet to God, that's a sign of an overwhelming conqueror. Being cheated on by the person you trust most in this physical life is certainly one of the worst tribulations, but it's no reason to think that you're a failure. In fact, it might be a sign that you're an overwhelming conqueror! 

 

 And to top it all off, "We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God." (Rom 8:28) Sing and be happy, overwhelming conqueror! We're in this together, and with the best ally ever on our side!  PN377

 

 

 

 

 

Preparing Children for Marriage

 

BQ: The rate at which marriages fail in America these days is quite saddening. One reason they fail is inadequate preparation and instruction of one or both of the spouses during their childhoods.  God thought it was important, saying, "The older women likewise...admonish the young women to love their husbands." (Titus 2:3)

 

This applies to men as well. Inadequately prepared children later on become adults and then fail to succeed in marriage. When two people grow up with parents who fall flat in regards to loving one another, this inadequate preparation tends to flow to the next generation. 

 

We need to make a concerted effort to educate our children on love. These days most people are too busy working to give much focus on teaching their kids. In Deut 6:6, God indicated that it's best to spend a great deal of time teaching children: "You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." PN378

 

 

 

 

 

Marriage and the Actions of Men

 

BQ: In a marriage, how should a husband treat a wife? Modern society has warped the inherent biologic differences of men and women, to the point that some consider it offensive that one would even say that there are differences at all. It's all about who a person "feels" they are.  Feelings are never a basis for truth, and this attitude can lead to the failure of relationships. 

 

Why can it lead to failure? When I worked in the oil field, none of our crews had any women on them. Recently, the Marines had to revise rules allowing women to serve, since more than half of the female marines couldn't do three pull-ups. Women and men are biologically different and serve different roles, yet they're both important. 

 

In regards to the above, God says this, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Pet 3:7) If we really want our relationships to succeed, we need to focus on fulfilling our respective roles, and men need to step up to the plate and be men. A large part of that is showing understand and honor to our wives and realizing how beautiful and valuable they are. Failing to do that damages not only our physical relationships, but our relationship with God. PN379

 

 

 

 

 

Loving Your Wife

 

BQ:  How much should a man love his wife, and how should a wife respond? Let's look at two aspects.

 

1.) Husbands should love and care for their wives as they do for their own bodies. Wives should respect their loving husbands: 

 

 "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph 5:28-29;33)"

 

2.) Beyond even the above, husbands need to love their wives sacrificially, being willing to give even their lives for them: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. (Eph 5:25)"

 

It's important that a potential husband will take his responsibility to love and care for his wife seriously, and it's important that brides make sure that their potential husband will model their marriage after Christ's relationship with the church.  That sort of love is ultimately respectable. PN380

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look But Don’t Touch?

 

BQ: My dad has long maintained that it's ok to "look as long as you don't touch," and even has a "three-second rule," where he says when you're taking your wife/girlfriend on a date, it's ok to stare at another woman for three straight seconds if she's attractive. A lot of husbands take this approach. Is it ok?

 

No, and Jesus clarified, saying, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Mt 5:27-28)

 

Marital infidelity does not spontaneously spring up physically. A husband doesn't walk down the street and suddenly find himself fornicating. Rather, it begins in the mind through mental conditioning. It's a slippery slope that leads to the physical, so it needs to be put away at all costs. If you play with fire, you'll get burned. (Pro 6:27) And of course the same goes for wives.  PN381

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rash Wedding Vows

 

BQ: "Until death do us part" has taken on the meaning of, "Until I find someone that tickles my fancy." Lots of people get divorced and then remarry because they "love the new person more."  I've heard one person say that the first woman he married just wasn't his soul mate, but he still considered himself a follower of Christ after divorcing her for someone he 'fell for.' What does God say about making vows?

 

"It is a snare for a man to devote rashly something as holy, And afterward to reconsider his vows; When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools." (Pro 20:25; Eccl 5:4-5)

 

God takes the vows we make with incredible seriousness. He considers those in Christ (the church) to be married to Christ.  Imagine if He took the same casual view of marriage and decided to dump us because we weren't interesting enough anymore! 

 

Marriage is very serious and should be taken that way. Although the world considers divorce a casual standard, we cannot. PN382

 

 

 

 

 

Suitable Helpmate

 

BQ: During creation, God said 7 times, "It is good." One time He said, "It is not good," and that was because man was alone without a companion. What is the companion for man described as?

 

There's so much meaning in this verse: "Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will for him a suitable helpmate.” (Gen 2:18)

 

When I think about who I want to marry, I realize that I'm looking for someone who completes the puzzle that is me. Ultimately, I'm looking for my mate to help me in my life's mission. Since my primary mission is spiritual, my "suitable helpmate" must also be spiritually focused if she's going to fit in to my puzzle. I want my completed puzzle to resemble a picture of Christ, not the world. 

 

We get to choose what our puzzle ends up looking like, and the spouse we choose helps complete that picture. What picture are you aiming for? What is a "suitable helpmate" to you? PN383

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Inadequate Puzzle

 

BQ: Yesterday we saw that woman was designed to be an suitable helpmate for man.  In many ways this is akin to matching two pieces of a puzzle together. In selecting the puzzle piece to fit with us, we need to choose wisely. Please consider the following: 

 

"Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it." (Psalms 127:1)

 

I have seen so many people, including myself, try and build a house by focusing on the worldly side of things and picking partners who aren't spiritually sound. There is the temptation to say, "He/she makes me emotionally happy, so it's good enough!" It's like building a house on the side of a volcano and saying, "But every day the view is just STUNNING!" 

 

Overcoming this tendency is hard. For some reason we look at the world, see the poor state of it, and think that we should re-prioritize and put "spiritual health" of the people we're considering being involved with as one of the less-vital things to consider. 

 

When you're dating, how high on the list is being a spiritual leader? Are you really putting God first? Tomorrow we'll consider the importance of good fathers and how it impacts children. PN384

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stats on the Importance of Strong Christian Men

 

  BQ:  Today I'd like to focus on if it's important for women to select strong, spiritual husbands.

 

 

 

I knew one girl who dated a guy who called himself a Christian but certainly made no attempts to be at all like Christ. When I asked her if she thought it was a wise choice, she replied, "I can handle it!" Maybe, but what about your kids? Below are some statistics from government studies which show how important it is to choose husbands who are strong, spiritual leaders: 

 

 

 

If mother and father attend assembly/"church" regularly:

 

33% of their children will end up attending church regularly

 

25% of their children will end up not attending at all

 

 

 

If mother attends church regularly. Father does not attend church at all:

 

2% of their children will end up attending church regularly

 

60% of their children will end up not attending at all

 

 

 

If father attends church regularly. Mother does not attend church at all:

 

44% of their children will end up attending church regularly

 

34% of their children will end up not attending at all

 

If the mother is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 17% probability that everyone in the household will follow. 

 

 

 

If the father is the first to become a Christian in a household, there is a 93% probability that everyone in the household will follow. 

 

 

 

As you can see, it's important to pick a strong husband. Often Christians pick poor mates because they're picking impatiently and with spirituality being one of the lowest-ranking criteria. This sets up a tough future for the family. As 1 Cor 15:33 says, "Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” PN385

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Nature of Men

 

BQ: Today I'd like to explore the differences between men and women. Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." Gender, we see, is at the spiritual level. 

 

If we look at the record of creation, we'll notice that man was somewhat wild at heart, and in fact, man was created OUTSIDE of the garden of Eden, and then placed into the garden by God. The good men throughout the Bible had a desire to fight a battle, to succeed spiritually, and starting with the first man, there was a desire to have a female companion.

 

When God created Eve, she was greatly desired by Adam, and in good relationships, that needs to be present. Husbands should not forget that their wives want to loved and desired, that in fact they were created to help complete man. Husbands should also remember that women want to feel that they are worth being sought after, defended, and importantly, that their lives are worth sharing in. 

 

Based on the desires that were latent in the creation of men and women, women need to know that they're beautiful and worth being sought after for their capabilities, and men need to know that they are strong, competent leaders for their families. PN386

 

 

 

 

 

Hidden Love

 

BQ: A lady once told me about the person she was courting, "I love him, but I just don't feel like he truly loves me in return." This is a common problem in many relationships, especially marriages that are past the honeymoon stage, and it can  be an absolute killer.  God knew the gravity of such a situation and said, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." (Proverbs 27:5)

 

It has been said that there are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Get to know what makes your spouse feel most loved and make certain to love as a verb every day. Don't keep your love hidden, lest it seem to fade away. PN387

 

 

 

 

 

Shall Become One

 

BQ: Gen 2:23-24 says, "She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

 

When marriages fail, it's because at least one spouse does not see him/herself as being part of one flesh. Marriage beings with a commitment and is sustained by discipline.  One of my friends once said, "If a relationship begins with just sparks, it might end with sparks." It's a lot more work to stay in love than to "fall in love," because one is feelings that change, and the others are consistent, persistent actions—otherwise known as a form of work. 

 

If you're married, focus on maintaining your marriage and building each other up spiritually. If something is valuable,  it's better to perform preventative maintenance along the way than to wait until it falls apart and then try to salvage it. Remember, it's not just the other spouse at risk—God sees you as one flesh. PN388

 

 

 

 

 

A Selfless Relationship

 

BQ: Luke 6:35 says, "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High."

 

One aspect missing from many marriages is that of selflessness. Relationships can't be 50/50—they need to be 100/100, with each partner giving it all they have. Watch your expectations, that you don't let them ruin your appreciation. 

 

My friend Luke Wilson told me that there are four important four minute periods: the first four minutes in the morning, the last four minutes before work, the first four minutes after work, and the last four minutes before sleep. Some of those moments can be tired and make you want to be grumpy, but try to uplift your spouse and keep him/her encouraged. Things run a lot smoother with a little oil.  And if your spouse is stressed or grumpy, be loving anyway, and remember Luke 6:35. PN389

 

 

 

 

 

You Can Change You

 

BQ: Often marriages encounter times where one spouse is unhappy for any of a multitude of reasons, and the reaction is negativity and bitterness. The following is not always applicable, but it can help at times:

 

"Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye." (Matthew 7:1-5 in part)

 

Often a way to engender kind feelings is to take the approach of, "The problem with us is me."  The thing is, you cannot force your spouse to change, but it's easy to change yourself. Regardless of the outcome, taking the selfless, introspective, approach will lead to spiritual growth and integrity, and there is nothing more satisfying and healing than that. It is the best possible outcome. PN390

 

 

 

Child of Wrath

 

BQ: In a marriage, selfishness leads to bitterness and resentment, and is utterly opposed to appreciation. Have you ever felt those feelings toward your spouse while knowing that they were not deserved? What is this a symptom of?

 

The answer is in Ephesians 2:3, "Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest."

 

The solution to being a child of wrath is to put on the new self, and to completely get rid of that old man who is struggling to come back. Instead,  follow Jesus' example, who washed the feet of even Judas, his betrayer. Remember that, "it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." (Gal 2:20) Whether or not someone changes is binary: yes or no. If we behave as Christ, we can always say confidently that we gave it our best effort.  For me, at least, I'm able to sleep soundly as long as I can say that. PN391

 

 

 

 

 

Communication in Marriage

 

 BQ: In marriages, communication is worth its weight in gold. Not only that, but it's one of the most highly emphasized things in the Bible. Look at God's example of the Tower of Babel: simply by creating poor communication, God was able to terminate itt. On the other hand, Christ began His church with precise communication on the day of Pentecost. 

 

When you're considering your marriage, consider how important it is to communicate with your spouse. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." We have the power to create beautiful, vibrant growth in our marriages simply through good, loving communication. Let's do it! PN392

 

 

 

 

 

Let Him Hear

 

BQ: In Matthew 11:15, Jesus said, ""He who has ears to hear, let him hear." Since our relationship as a church with Christ is a marriage relationship, consider the implications of those words as applied to your own marriage. According to Brecheen and Faulkner, couples spend only 27 minutes a week in focused conversation. Think about that. Roughly 3.8 minutes per day are spent in focus conversation.

 

It is no surprise that marriages that marriages can struggle in such environments. Consider again what Jesus said. It is well known that the best communicators are excellent listeners, and they listen to everything that someone else has to say, not just a tidbit here and there. If you don't spend much time in focused conversation with your spouse, you won't really know who they are. Prioritize learning about your spouse and becoming a solid team. PN393

 

 

 

 

 

Words Will Never Hurt Me?

 

 BQ: There is a popular saying that isn't true, though the intent is good. It goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  I talked to a man once after I heard him screaming at his fiance. "Yeah, he told me, I got a little miffed, but those were just words and they don't mean nuthin'."

 

The truth is, damaging words can be very hurtful. It can take far, far longer for emotional damage to heal than for our physical bodies. Remember that God says, "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." (Mt 12:37) Words aren't "nuthin'," they are the lifeblood that keeps relationships alive, and poison in them courses straight to the heart of a relationship and damages it. Not only that, but angry words damage our relationship with Jesus. PN394

 

 

 

 

 

Response to Those Who Caused Pain

 

BQ: Sometimes divorces happen when one spouse cheats on another. Sometimes the cheating spouse can be downright mean and villainous, often in an attempt to justify their evil behavior. It can be tempting for the (former) spouse who has been betrayed to feel anger and bitterness over lost time, deceit, and many other things, and sometimes he or she might express that through negative, angry, bitter language directed at the cheater. What does God say about such things? 

 

Ultimately, the bitter, angry attitude, when coupled with such words, is an attempt to take vengeance on the person who is demonstrably in the wrong, but God tells us, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)  God says this because He wants us to heal, and that's accomplished through the following set of actions found in Phil 3:14-16:

 

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Move on and start healing! PN395